Brickleberry

- Here's to having nothing to celebrate.

- Actually, today's my birthday.

- Like I said, nothing to celebrate!

Hey, where's malloy?

- Eh, he couldn't be here. He got tied up.

- I'm going to get woody for this.

Oh, god!

Why are you looking at me like that?

That is an odd place to keep your lipstick.

What's the matter, buddy?

Are you still bummed

About your episode of intervention?

- Steve, we're here because we all love you,

But you've got to stop jizzing inside us.

- I'm sorry. It just feels so good.

Feels good?

I'm stiff as a board, you freaky bastard!

Nah, it's ethel.

You know how much I like her,

But she won't give me the time of day.

Now she's dating the ceo of skymall.

What does he have that I don't? - Telephone shoes?

- You're right. I don't stand a chance.

- Steve, you got to get women when they're down.

That's what I do, literally.

I get life alert calls forwarded to my phone.

- I've fallen, and I can't get up!

- See if you can slip your panties off.

I'll be there in a minute.

- It may look like an ordinary fan-cooled solar safari hat,

But it's also a litter box.

skymall!

That's amazing.

I was just telling a friend that I wish I had a hat

That a cat could shit in. - Skymall!

- Listen, I know we've only been on a couple of dates,

But I see a real future for us.

- I thought you might say that. That's why I got you this.

- oh, my god! The answer is ye--

- It's the world's smallest white noise machine.

- What? But what about us?

- We're done. I'm not ready to settle down.

But you can set this to heavy rain

To mask the sound of your tears.

You're breaking up with me?

Skymall!

- Give me that. - Steve, now's your chance.

Ethel's lower than abe vigoda's left nut.

Her next bottle's on me.

- No, I'll call you, I promise.

We just in the bathroom. I'm out!

- Are you sure you're okay to drive?

- Are you sure you're okay to mind your own goddamn business?

I'm fine.

You're doing good, johnson.

Just keep it between the lines.

Oh, crap. Malloy, quick! Get behind the wheel!

Malloy!

Ah! I thought red meant stop!

What did I do last night?

- I was inside of you.

Oh, god! Okay, ethel, don't panic.

You know what to do.

Listen, steve, you can't tell anyone about this.

- Why not? It was the best night of our lives.

No, it was not.

I had too much to drink, and I made a mistake.

So keep your mouth shut.

- What kind of guy do you think I am?

Why did I pay to see this?

I don't subscribe to psoriasis weekly.

Hey, love bagel.

Where should I put my viggo mortensen

Up-skirt-shot coffee-table book?

- Steve, are you trying to move in?

We had sex, didn't we?

It's only a matter of time

Before we have our marvel heroes wedding.

Steve, wake up!

Just because we had drunken mistake sex

Doesn't mean we're in a relationship.

- Really? Then why did I buy us those his-and-her tombstones?

We die by murder-suicide in 2016.

I'm so excited!

- I can't believe that dui judge gave me community service.

You drove to court drunk.

I drink when I'm nervous

And sad and mad and happy.

No, really, I have a problem.

- Yeah. You left me tied to a post all night.

Now this rottweiler won't stop leaving me creepy voice mails.

let me suck it.

I don't get it, denzel.

I thought once ethel had some steve in the beav,

She'd never leave. - Hey, at least you got some.

Think about how connie feels.

She's been in love with ethel for years.

Oh, I'm totally over it.

Off topic, if you guys had to get murdered in the workplace,

Would you prefer an ar-15 or being hacked up with a machete?

I think they want both.

I'm still inside you.

Don't go in there.

I, uh... Made a fat, smelly shit.

So embarrassing.

- Not as embarrassing as the fact

That you made love to a fat, smelly shit.

- Mmm, this fun dip tastes like piss.

- That's a pregnancy test, you dumb son of a bitch.

- Oh, my god! Ethel's gonna have my baby!

- Congrats, buddy! Way to trap that bitch!

- Yeah, I'm really happy for you.

- Actually, steve, I thought a lot about this

In the last 30 seconds,

And I don't think I'm ready to have a kid.

But don't I get a say?

I'd never abort a baby, especially ours.

- Sorry, steve. It's just not your decision.

- Why not? I'm the father.

- That doesn't matter. My body, my choice.

- But, ethel, if there's no baby, there's no us.

- Exactly-- I've already made an appointment

At the best clinic in town.

- An abortionmobile/taco truck is the best clinic in town?

- Yes. This town sucks.

- Abortion is a sin against god!

- No! It's a civil right!

- I'm just here for the chimichangas.

This is murder!

I'll tell you what's murder.

The price they charge for a side of chipot-le.

Ah, ethel, welcome to my abortionmobile/taqueria.

Or as the local yokels call it, the die-eria.

uh, this is safe, right?

- Perfectly safe... For the woman, not the baby.

- Wait. You're not going to use dirty cooking utensils?

No, of course not, ethel.

I'm going to sanitize them first.

Okay, ready to go.

Before you go through with this,

I must ask, are you sure about this decision?

- This is the hardest choice a woman can make, but--

- Sorry. I was talking to a customer.

Okay, carne asada it is.

But fair warning, the picante sauce is muy caliente.

- That's okay, as long as it ain't hot.

You don't know.

You don't know. You don't know. -

- Rackin' frackin' community service.

Working around a bunch of goddamn nut jobs

Who sit around and mumble to themselves.

Is everything all right, sir?

- Oh, never better! I love these wacky bastards.

Oh, you're a dad, huh?

Yeah, my son yelled at me

'cause I tied him up outside of a bar.

You did what?

- Oh, don't worry. My son's a talking bear.

Why don't you have a seat?

This talking bear--does he ever tell you to do things

That would hurt yourself or others?

- Are you shitting me? That's all he does!

One time he turned me into a fish!

I see.

- Yeah, he can be a sarcastic little asshole,

But I know he loves me, 'cause one time I was gonna get

On a spaceship with my girlfriend,

And he saved me with a jet pack.

We got a nut job.

- Let me tell you about the time he directed my porno.

Aah! Are you crazy?

I'm not crazy! You're crazy!

- And punchito! Congratulations, ethel.

15 abortions gets you a free chalupa.

- Thanks, but I'll never get over how traumatic

That experience was.

- Would you like to start a new card?

Yeah, might as well.

Steve, what are you doing here?

- Just sealing the deal I made with the doc.

Uh, what kind of a deal?

- It's not exactly ethical, but he paid cash,

And, well, I'm a whore.

See, after dr. Kuzniak

Sucked the embryo out of your body,

He put it in mine.

I'm pregnant! - What?

Now you're inside me!

- Nobody eat the salsa. There's been a terrible mix-up.