Dawg

Stand tall, enemy approaching!

Krissy Tate requesting entry to King Dawg's castle, please.

lt's gonna cost you.

You have to kiss me for five seconds.

One Mississippi, two Mississippi...

three Mississippi...

four Mississippi...

five Mississippi...

Entry denied!

l hate you, Douglas Menford.

l can't believe it! He said no!

Why did you do that?

l've kissed better.

Can l get one of those plastic divider things?

Sure.

Between the goal post, baby!

Oh, hallelujah!

What're you doing here?

What do you mean? What's wrong with me being here?

How did you know where l worked?

Mr. Langley, how are you? Excuse me a moment. Sorry.

This broad, l sleep with her once, and she thinks she can follow me to work.

But l'll take care of it. Don't worry.

That broad is my wife, and you're fired.

Stupid twit!

-They can all kiss my ass, Joe. -Easy, Dawg.

No, ''easy'' this.

Screw them. Screw R.P. Langley.

-You already screwed his wife. -l didn't know it was his wife.

l wish l had known it was his wife. Would have made it more exciting.

You know what? He can lick me. Crack to sack, okay?

R.P. Langley can lick me, crack to fucking sack.

Hey, not in front of the lady.

Sorry, tough week.

That's no excuse for cursing like that.

lt's important for decent people to control their language.

Motherfucking son of a bitch, you're hot!

So are you. lncredible.

-Take your panties off. -No, not yet.

Come on, l'm depressed.

Sex is like medication. lt'll help ease the pain.

Why are you depressed? You'll find another job.

lt's not really about my job. lt's about my grandmother, actually.

She just died.

What's wrong?

You're using your grandmother's death to get yourself a piece of ass.

That is so demented.

l'm someone who can channel depression through sexual energy.

-l'm in real mourning. -You're sick.

l only need four hours of sleep.

lt's a funeral. How awake do you have to be? Where're you going?

l know l'm not scheduled to speak here today...

on behalf of my beloved grandmother, but l would like to add...

she was a woman of incredible character.

She was a great woman of incredible character.

Shit!

The woman who taught me the valuable lessons of life.

Just don't make them like her anymore.

ls this where the Kate Menford funeral is going to be?

This is where the Kate Menford funeral was.

No, it was supposed to be at 9:30.

No, 8:30. Sorry, pal.

Come on, get these....

You got to put these on the truck.

Sorry, Gram.

l'm gonna miss you.

lf you think about it...

it's a lot like sex, missionary style, with the lights turned off.

lt can only last so long, you know?

lf you screw too many times on the top of the coffee table...

flip it over, and tie your partner to the legs. Trust me, that's hot.

-That's disgusting. -lt's great.

lt's got to be one of those big wood jobs.

The square kind, solid oak.

Wow.

Coffee table.

l'm sorry. How do you know my grandmother again?

l'm your cousin, Denise.

Cousin Denise.

Hi, how are you?

-Fine. -How're you doing?

You look great since you got the braces off. You really do.

One door closes and another one opens.

-Hi, l'm Anna Lockheart. -Doug Menford, how are you?

-Nice to meet you. -You're not related to me, are you?

Hardly, no.

l'm your grandmother's attorney and the executor of her estate.

l wanna make this really brief. This isn't the time or place to conduct business.

l imagine you must be pretty....

l am. But my strategy is to lay low and hang out by the food table.

Because usually when you're eating, people don't bother you.

-l'm sorry. l didn't mean to-- -Relax, l'm just messing with you.

The truth is every good-looking woman will end up at the food table...

because women like to eat when they're sad.

Really? And what do men do?

We look for sad women.

-Are you free on Monday afternoon? -Yes.

Here's my card.

Be at this address at 1 :00.

Why?

Let me put it this way.

Your grandmother was worth a lot more than you think.

ln fact, she was worth more than anybody thought.

And out of all her immediate family...

distant relatives, second and third cousins included...

and all money-hungry hopefuls gathered here today...

for some reason...

yours is the only name that appears on the will.

Mr. Menford?

How much exactly is she worth?

1 :00, Monday.

l'm here about the coffee table. Solid oak.

-Are those-- -Strawberries.

Kinky!

This isn't even in kinky's parking lot.

l always wanted to do it Dawg style.

Come on in, gentlemen.

ls that what l think it is?

lt certainly is.

Share the wealth, baby!

More!

-You must be Mr. Menford. -That's right.

Douglas Menford is here to see you.

Thank you, Harris. Send him in.

-Go right through that door. -Great, thank you.

Good morning.

lt could be.

What's that supposed to mean?

Do you want me to do community service or take a physical?

You name the time and the place, l'll pee in the cup.

Did your grandmother's death affect you at all, Mr. Menford?

Let's cut to the chase. What're we talking about here?

$20,000? Her Lincoln Town Car, what?

We're talking about $1 million.

We are?

You sure you have the right will?

Holy shit!

Where'd she get that kind of money?

You weren't the only one to dabble in the stock market.

l don't dabble. l help people with money decide where to put it.

As luck would have it, my career...

happens to be....

Where the fuck did she get $1 million?

lt seems that your grandmother was some kind of financial genius.

Great. Where do l sign?

l'm afraid it's not quite that easy, Mr. Menford.

''l, Kathryn J. Menford...

''hereby declare my grandson...

''Douglas Lawrence Menford...

''the sole beneficiary of all my monetary savings...

''if...

''and only if...

''he successfully completes the following mission.''

Mission?

What mission? Let me take a look.

How many serious girlfriends have you had?

-Girlfriends? How many serious? -What does that have to do with the will?

Everything, actually.

None, after a while, they start hearing wedding bells.

How many girls have you...

used for sex?

Used for sex?

-One-night stands, saying ''l love you''-- -l know what you mean.

-Do l have to answer that question? -Yes, you do.

Let me think about it.

-l get the message. Thank you. -l'm interested to find out now.

No, please stop.

You read from the second paragraph...

you'll get the gist of what we're talking about.

''ln order to receive your $1 million...

''you must track down a significant number of these women...

''and get them to say the words 'l forgive you.'''

What's a significant number?

A nice, round dozen.

l shall shadow you every second of every day to check that you don't cheat.

lf l even get the slightest whiff of any fraudulence...

the whole deal is off, and her entire estate goes to the local dog shelter.

So, are we on?

l get to pick the girls.

Don't be ridiculous.

You'd find some silly little girls that would collude with you.

Your grandmother loved you, Mr. Menford.

But she thought you behaved like an absolute jerk when it came to women.

Now then, how would a man like you record his conquests?

-Have you got a little black book? -No.

-Do you make notches on the bedpost? -No.

Then, how are we going to do this?

These are disgusting!

l am going to sort these out.

Play poker, Mr. Menford?

Not really.

Well, let's hope you draw a lucky hand.

-That's a good one. -Right.

Very good.

Not good.

Some of these girls are gonna be hard.

And 1 2.

Okay, 1 2 it is.

What?

-Good morning. -Hello.