Big Driver

Okay, so, a murderer drowns his victim with a mouthful of snow.

You get it? It melts. No evidence.

- Uh... well, it's different. - Hello?

You know, could expand your Eskimo readership.

- What do you think? - Yes, I love that outfit.

- I'd kill for that. - Thank you.

All right. So, here's the other one.

The girls find a dead Siamese twin holding a fired gun, all right?

They have to try to figure out which twin killed the other.

Like that?

Oh. Here's a thought...

...maybe it wasn't murder. Maybe it was suicide.

Yeah, personally, I'd go with the Siamese twins.

They're enemies, sharing the same organs. That's twisted.

Yeah, "The Willow Grove Knitting Society Goes to Siam."

Girls use the needles as chopsticks, total classic.

Can't go to Siam. It was renamed Thailand in 1948. Did you know that?

And Doreen hates to fly.

I'm really glad you liked it, though.

I'm gonna leave myself a message later with more details, but...

Okay. What am I forgetting?

Did you put paint on your arm?

- Ah. - Okay, what am I forgetting?

- Earrings. - Yes, earrings.

You know what? They should make your novels into movies...

...get like some big actress with lots of Oscars...

...to play the enigmatic painter friend...

...who could very easily be added to the plot.

I will tell Hollywood about your feelings. Look. Thinking?

- Ah, yes. Definitely. - I am so late.

I think it's great you get a chance to meet your fans.

Ouch!

You okay?

I'm fine.

By the way, Fritz... totally pissed I'm going.

He'll get over it. Far more importantly, can I borrow some DVDs?

You must have like every movie ever made.

I have movies that haven't even been thought of yet.

Uh, chapstick, chapstick, chapstick.

No chapstick.

All right.

Why do I get myself into these things? Can you just tell me?

Uh, hard, cold cash. Take it. Do something fun.

I put all of my speakers fees in the bank. That's fun, right?

Hey, you. I'm gonna miss you.

You be nice to Patsy while I'm gone. I got to get on the road. Bye, Fritz.

Give me a call when you get back tonight. We'll have a glass of wine.

Okay.

I just set the alarm. You know the code. Thanks.

- You're welcome. - Chapstick.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- Okay. See you later. - Okay. Knock 'em dead.

- Bye. - Right, hopefully. Bye.

See you soon, girls.

In two miles, take the onramp towards the I-84 north.

You always know the best way, Tom.

Now make a right turn.

You have reached your destination.

Thanks, Tom. I should let you out of there sometime. It must get cramped.

Hello.

- You take the 84? - I did.

Ramona Norvell, president of the Three Bees.

Finally we meet after all the phone yak.

Yes, Ramona. Tess. It's so nice to put a face to the voice.

Oh, ditto.

- Ooh! Nice GPS. - Oh, actually it's...

Imagine the way it just sucks the information down...

...from some whirling metal ball of technology high above.

Right? What are they gonna think of next?

- Uh, excuse me. I'm a bit of a mess. - Well, as I mentioned in my e-mail...

...we are all rabid fans of the knitting society gals.

I'll be writing your check from our Books & Brown Baggers account...

...just soon as you're done today. I even have my own pen.

'Course you do. You're the president.

Yes.

- How was the drive? - Ugh. Endless.

84 is the worst highway in America.

- Truly. - Walk here faster.

I can save you an hour easy heading back a different way.

- Oh. - Scenic drive, singing squirrels...

...whole bit.

- I love me a shortcut. Thank you. - As your most finely-realized character...

...Doreen Marquis, says in "The Willow Grove Knitting Society Goes to Dallas."

"The two best things in life are warm croissants...

...and a quick way home."

The Three Bee high rollers paid extra to meet you before your speech.

Gonna love 'em.

And where do you get your marvelous ideas from, Tess?

Uh, believe it or not, they find me. They always seem to know where I am.

"My life," written by Tess Thorne, would be a best seller.

Is that right?

"Erotic Potboiler." "51st Shade of Grey."

How can I get an agent?

Well, people ask me that all the time, and I say, "just keep writing letters...

...until one of the hungrier ones reads your stuff."

I have a fully detailed outline if you'd like to see it.

Tess, could I get a photo with you?

- Say, "homicide." - Homicide.

Let's talk about murder and mayhem...

...as they are the flip side of the American dream.

I'm often asked if I draw my characters from real life.

The truth is, my strange and diabolical aunts...

...who live for awful gossip...

...are the inspiration for the Willow Grove Knitting Society.

As to my other characters, I'm a little embarrassed to say this...

Um, ever since I was a little kid...

...I had these voices in my head...

...all kinds... men, women, old, young...

...this mysterious corral of people I've never met.

So I was either gonna end up in a padded cell or published...

...one or the other.

I think the most important thing about writing...

...is that an author knows about human nature...

...the contradictions we all have...

...the lies we pretend are truths...

...the fears that we pretend are strengths...

...the greed and revenge that we have that we don't admit to ourselves.

In my books...

...like in my life, I guess...

...logic is king.

Or I guess, in my case, the queen.

You were wonderful, Tess. Worth every penny.

Thank you. They were all so great, and I sold some books.

Oh, I saw.

"Kiss of Death", That is such a classic, huh?

Richard Widmark was in that.

He's my favorite actor. I fell in love with him...

...when I was a girl, after seeing "Kiss of Death."

He was so powerful, so intense.

I got him to sign this for me... in person.

He was very old then, but that's a real signature, not a stamp.

Wow. He was very handsome.

I'll make sure you get all the photos that were taken today.

- Now let's get that route for you. - Thanks.

Better a straight shot through Robin Hood's Forest than all the way around it.

We'll input Stag Road...

...and U.S. 47.

Oh, by the way, Stag Road is very scenic...

...arched asphalt and all that, but not too bumpy the last time I took it...

...and that was in the spring, when the worst bumps show up.

And I hate bumps. Then when you get to 47...

...you will spot a sign that points to I-84.

And you're only gonna have to spend 12 miles on the turnpike.

And that's the beauty part.

You'll save lots of time and aggravation, you'll put hours on your life...

...and you'll thank me and the Three Bees later.

Stag Road is approaching. In one mile, turn right.

You got it, Tom.

Where the hell am I?

It's four miles from the intersection of Stag Road and U.S. 47 in Colewich.

Geez.

What...

Recalculating. Make a legal U-turn.

Thanks, Tom.

I don't like it out here.

Hey!

Hey!

"Zombie Bakers." That's a stupid name, anyway!

Figures.

Hey! Hey!

Amazing. Hello.

Hey, there.

Thank you so much for stopping. I appreciate it.

You pick that happy crappy up off the road?

Yeah, all but the piece that got my front-right tire.

- Some luck. - I tried to call AAA, but...

I know. No cellphone service out here.

Welcome to nowhere.

Tell you what, if you got a spare tire, I'll change it for you.

Thank you so much! I really appreciate it.

You are a godsend.

- Wow. - Yep. I know.

Didn't think you were gonna be meeting the jolly green giant here in Willywags, did you?

No, I was actually thinking that you don't ride in that truck of yours...

...you wear it.

I've never heard it put that way before.

But when I win the lottery, I'm gonna buy myself a big old VA 350.

- Or you can buy two and weld them together. - I like the way you think.

Anyway, thank you for doing this. I'm happy to give you some money...

Are you kidding me? Charging a damsel in distress? That's un-American.

- That's very gentlemanly. - Yeah.

You saved me a mess of trouble myself when you picked that crap up off the road.

Us good Samaritans got to stick together.

You want to hear about a good Samaritan? Some truck with a skeleton on the side...

...just drove past here and kept going.

So someone just drove by and didn't even offer to help you out?

No, I don't... I don't think he saw me.

Just went on his way. Some people.

Yep. Pretty much.

Spare tire under the cargo compartment I assume?

- You just do the pick up the thingy. - Yep. Pull the lever. Been there, done that.

Let's see.

- You some kind of book writer? - I am... mystery novels.

I love a good mystery. Should get one of those made into a movie.

I hope.

I have no idea what to do with that.

Well, lucky for you, I know exactly what to do.

How's the tire?

Round.

With lots of little... tiny words on the side of it.