The Caterpillar Wish

You're listening to 86.9 Coolum FM,

and remember folks,

there's nothing lovelier than a well-trimmed bush.

At least that's what the judges of the Tidy Town competition say,

and it's only two days till they arrive in Coolum,

so keep those gardens gleaming and keep on rockin'.

So you're a junkie too, huh?

Pardon me?

Pocket Petz.

Hooked on 'em for years.

What, something funny about my life?

No.

You know what? I'll, ah, I'll finish these transfers.

- You take off. - Cheers, Kurt.

- Hello, I need your help! - My books are reading themselves.

My truck's stolen itself!

The costume shop comes alive at night.

My glasses don't make me see.

I swear to you it's there.

You heard the clip clop!

I heard someone clip clop.

Jeez, you get angry quick.

What do you expect? I've just spent seven hours lost

in a storm water drain

looking for a sewer horse!

Quarter pony!

As if a horse could fit in a sewer.

Oh, that's going to stain.

Bears.

Sarge?

What are you doing?

Toilet time is private time, Banks.

More to the point, what have you been doing?

It's a long story.

- Involving a horse. - Quarter pony.

This is a police caravan.

Get out.

Right out!

I thought I made it pretty crystal clear, Banks.

Your job is to sit here and answer the phone,

not run around town all night with that lunatic.

They said Charles Manson was a lunatic.

Get out.

But since you've chosen to neglect your duties,

it's my phone that's been ringing off the hook.

Sarge, I'm sorry. What's happened?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe someone trashed the park with a ride-on mower,

right before Tidy Town finals.

Tidy Town is political bullshit.

Shut up, Gregor!

Sarge, I'm really sorry.

If there's anything I can do...

Well you can start by cleaning up last night's mess.

And I don't even know why I'm doing this,

but I'm putting you in charge of keeping

this town vandal-free until after judging.

If there's so much of a shrub out of place it's your arse.

You got it?

Got it!

Talk to me.

Where?

Kurt Graywater.

Say cheese!

Always knew he was trouble.

Well, I figure he drove the mower off that cliff,

prevailing tides brought it back around, washed up on the beach.

Right.

Sorry, Sarge, but why would he drive his mower off the cliff?

- It was drugs. - Uh-uh!

There's no drugs in Coolum.

That's not what the paper says.

Madge, you can't believe the Noosa Times.

They've slandered us before and they're doing it again,

oh, right on the eve of Tidy Town.

It's ice all right.

Why don't you look at his eyes?

Clem, grow up!

Act your age. It's not ice.

Glass? Tina?

Biker's coffee?

Ah, Sarge, maybe we could check it out?

- Okay. - Yeah, check it out.

Let me say it loud and clear.

There's no ice in Coolum.

There's no drugs here at all.

This is a Tidy Town.

Now why don't you all just go home, the police have important work to do.

Speaka da English.

Go home!

Right, okay everyone.

If we could all just move along please.

Not you, Banks.

You've got a garden to clean.

Choppy-chop.

Gregor, what are you even doing here?

This is a crime scene!

How'd you even get in here?

It's a crime scene.

You're not a policeman.

Dig a broad, shallow planting hole.

Two, identify the trunk flare.

Is this the trunk flare?

Gregor!

We've got work to do!

Hey, Gregor, you old dickbag!

Woo!

Piss off!

Hey, Mr. Waters, you old dickbag!

What was all that about?

Oh, bloody internet troll.

No, who was the kid you were talking to?

Oh, that was Tom.

He used to work at the radio station with Kurt Graywater.

In fact, Tom was the last person to see Kurt alive.

- Was it drugs? - Oh no, no, no, no.

Tom said the hardest thing that Kurt was ever on was herbal tea.

But he was on the hard stuff.

Stuff like white pomegranate and bronze fennel,

Chinese tea

Why don't you go and talk to her?

What? No.

No, I wouldn't know what to say.

Tell you what, let's have a bit of a practice, all right? You and me.

Ah, you be Banks and I'll be Kath.

- No! - All right.

Okay.

Hi, Banks.

I'm getting a drink.

- Would you get me a lemonade? - Oh, no. No.

You can't have fizz.

Hello again, Mrs. Merrylease.

Yes, I did see the paper and I have been assured there is no ice in Coolum.

How do I know? Well, I'm a police officer.

Yes, I don't...

Yep, okay.

Can you turn that down, please?

What, no, Mrs. Merrylease, that was not an ice rage.

I'm not on ice.

Hello, Mrs. Walls.

Have you been speaking to Mrs. Johnson?

I know you've seen the article

and I'm going to tell you the same thing that I told...

Mrs. Sheehan, it wouldn't be the first time

a newspaper has lied though, would it?

I mean, remember that article about the person who was tying a bird

to the front of their windscreen wipers, then driving around filming it?

Well, that didn't happen either, did it?

Oh, it did?

I'm sorry, Mrs. Key.

He sounds like a lovely bird.

If there are any drugs in Coolum,

Mrs. Merrylease, you will be the first person I call.

Yes, I realize that that didn't come out right.

Okay, well I've gotta go now.

Bye-bye.

You know, Banks, you've really got to learn how to talk to old people.

What I do, I imagine how it would be to be old.

You are old.

I'm 47.

Yes, you're 47. I know.

Mrs. Merrylease thinks I'm on ice.

- Well, are you? - No!

Well, I don't know what you get up to when I'm not here.

You're always here.

Well, not in the mornings.

Oh, most mornings.

Hello, Coolum Beach Police, protecting an ice-free community.

Sorry?

Sorry, can you speak up, please? I can't hear you over the...

Mower.

Right, this is Gwen Bell's house.

Do you know her?

Well, I took her on a few sympathy dates after her husband died, you know,

but she started to get all, like, clingy and weird.

Oh, no, what happened here?

Oh!

Hello, Gwen, this is Banks, my new partner.

"Partner"?

Yeah, look, why don't we all just sit down,

have some Milo,

and you can tell us everything that happened, Gwen, huh?

You do have Milo?

You know I do, pet.

Sorry.

Mr. Kerfuffle was a fourth generation gnome.

Right.

- No Milo for Banks. - And extra Milo for Gregor.

Let's do this quick!

What biscuits do you have?

Everyone will look at my yard tomorrow

and say that I lost the Tidy Town Award for Coolum.

Oh, heaven's above!

- What? - My Milo has popped to the top.

Here, have mine.

Gwen.

Can you tell us what happened?

Can you tell us what happened, Cookie Face?

I heard someone in the shed.

And then the mower started up.