Malcolm in the Middle

'< I can't believe you, Dewey!' When is she going to stop?

I'm starving. Go get us some food.

I'm not going out there.

'Sorry doesn't cut it, young man.'

This was a good idea, just wish you had told me earlier.

I was hiding outside for 45 minutes before I came in. I saw you.

# Yes, no, maybe

# I don't know

# Can you repeat the question

# You're not the boss of me now

# You're not the boss of me now

# You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big

# You're not the boss of me now

# You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big

# Life is unfair #

You know how you've been hounding us for years for your own computer?

We've arranged a deal with Ed to get you one.

I'm giving you my old laptop.

Is it inside that? No, that's it.

In exchange you'll help Ed set up his new computer.

Shouldn't be hard for you to install sound and graphics cards

and set up a network for my broadband connection!

You're gonna help him re-sod his lawn and build a gazebo. What? No!

C'mon, boys, nothing in this life comes free.

Oh, here are those Foreigner albums.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Oh, just be glad you're getting a computer.

I should get a dog or a rat,

some dumb animal that knows how to work for a living. Yes, ma'am.

Damn idiots, never learned how to do one damn thing right in your lives.

Yes, ma'am.

The blood from my knees was tracking behind where I'd already scrubbed,

so I had to keep going around until she let me put towels on my knees.

So, how was your day? I don't care about that.

My husband was disrespected by a woman unfit to eat the crap between your toes.

Somebody ought to cut her open and strangle her with her own entrails.

I love you, too.

If you want me, I'll be under my bed. It wasn't that bad.

It was terrible. I hate soccer.

I stink. My team stinks.

27-0 doesn't reflect how close the first five minutes of the game were.

Hey, you guys won the coin toss.

I wanna quit. People don't just quit cos they lose a couple of games.

The coach quit. He had an emotional breakdown,

that's not the same thing. The point is you're not quitting.

In fact, you know what? I'm gonna coach you.

What?! This will be great.

It'll give us a chance to hang out together, kick the ball around.

Some day you might look back and say,

"Boy, I sure had some fun with my old man."

What do you say? No! You're not quitting.

I am going to coach you and we are going to create

treasured memories whether you want to or not.

So, what's... on the...

..hard drive? Nothing, he erased everything.

No, he deleted the programmes but he didn't format the drive.

They never... do!

There it is. Let's check out what he's got in here.

Let's go through his e-mails. Why? It's Ed, what's he gonna...

Oh, my God!

"Eddie, last night was amazing. You touched me places my husband never knew existed."

T. Goodwin. That's Mrs Goodwin from down the block. That's horrible!

They're both married... and fat!

Look at this one. "Edward, just saying your name turns me to jelly."

That's... Mrs Fisher.

Mrs Carmen, Mrs Wilson, Mrs Belt!

He's sleeping with half the neighbourhood.

Here's one from old Mrs Swanback. Open... the picture... attachment.

Alright, kids, let's huddle up. Hello, there.

My name is Hal. I'm the new coach.

I don't know a lot about soccer

but I do know about being a young boy and growing up can be tough!

I know what it's like to be the fat kid, the nose-picker -

just wipe it on the grass, son.

But together we are more than that.

Today we're gonna be a team!

Can we just forfeit and get a burger before the line gets too long? No.

We're going out on that field to have fun.

You kids make me sick!

If you're not puking from exhaustion, you're not playing hard enough!

It's a beautiful day. Let's go out and enjoy the sunshine

and play some soccer! You will rip their heads off!

Do you hear me? Stop crying. Stop crying, you little baby!

Hey, why don't you just ease up? They're just kids.

Hear that, men? That's what a loser sounds like.

What do you say we go out and give it our best and have some fun?

It was 48-0 before the half,

I had to call it. Of course.

Two, four, six, eight, who did we annihilate?

The Tigers, The Tigers, we had The Tigers.

Yeah!

Hey, Stevie.

You were supposed... to meet me... at the library.

Oh, yeah, sorry. I actually found something decent on Ed's computer.

The Virts? You create a virtual family,

put them in different situations and the computer plays out their lives.

Is that... your mom?

Not yet.

Reese.

Make sure... you capture...

..the blackness... of his soul.

Aggressiveness - ten.

Hygiene - zero. OK, now me.

Appearance - nine... No, ten.

A ten for intelligence. And social skills,... ten.

Too bad... it doesn't go... higher(!)

I have social skills, jackass!

OK, it's dinner time.

Where's Malcolm? Looking at... himself... in the mirror.

How you doing? I'm hot and I'm bored.

What is this stuff? It smells awful.

What are you doing? There's bare patches all over the place.

Are you paying attention to what you're doing?

I get grounded plenty, Ed, I know grunt work.

Why don't you go fix Mrs Collins's garage door and get off my back?!

What did you say? You heard me. Oh, my God, what do you know?

Formulate your megabytes next time you get rid of your computer.

Oh, and by the way,... Mrs Swanback?! You are sick!

Keep your voice down. Look, it's not my fault.

I try to be faithful

but the women on this block are just so desperate and lonely.

It's like I cast some kind of spell.

I try to tell 'em no, but it always leads to a back rub.

I know, Ed, I read all about it. Is that you, Ed?

Ah, I'm a little busy right now, Martha.

Look, you can't tell my wife. You can't tell anyone, please.

I'll do anything. I'll do anything you ask.

I can work with that.

Damn, don't they know someone's got to clean up their caribou carcases?

These antlers won't fit down the disposal.

Francis, come away from there. You don't have to do that.

You're much too valuable to mess with that.

Yesterday you said you'd seen tumours with hair smarter than me.

Can't you tell good-natured ribbing? I've got an important job for you.

Sit there and check the reception on the TV - it's been spotty lately.

Oh, and make sure these sodas haven't gone flat.

That sounds do-able. We've got other people to do the grunt work.

A newlywed shouldn't be tiring himself out before he even gets home.

Your lovely, young wife wouldn't like that, would she?

What did you do?! I don't know what you're talking about, honey.

Lavernia is treating me like a human being.

What did you do to her? Maybe she turned over a new leaf.

Sometimes really big crappy jerks just realise they've got to change.

She was terrified. I don't know how you did it

but you must have said something. I wouldn't do that, Francis.

I'm not gonna fight your battles for you.

Obviously that's not true. Now, damn it, tell me what you did.

You know what, I don't have to do anything you tell me to do,

and you might want to reconsider your tone of voice.

Sometimes you make me so mad!

Alright, look, today's practise was...

Well, let's focus on the positive.

I think it's encouraging that so many of you found the right field.

Special congratulations go to Billy for using the sidestep

to run away from the butterfly that almost landed near him.

But we do need to work on

your general unwillingness to kick the ball.

It hurts! Boys, if we are going to get better,

we have to work together.