Anger Management

- Hey. - Hey there.

Those magazines are pretty old, huh?

Well, not according to "Sexiest Man Alive" Nick Nolte.

- Bye. - Bye-bye.

Hey, Doc.

Who was the skirt?

Why are you talking like it's 1952?

Well, according to your "Life" magazine out there,

that's current lingo.

Her name is Erica. She owns the little gift shop downstairs.

She's the reason why I asked you to stop by.

I want to bounce an idea off you.

Erica's situation is kinda interesting.

She's a virgin.

First time in therapy, huh?

- No. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- You don't mean that... - Yes.

- No! - Yes!

- How old? - 32.

- Childhood trauma? - No.

- Religious guilt? - No.

She's been, like, really busy?

It's the classic scenario.

She was waiting to fall in love,

never did, and past a certain point

it became embarrassing, so she just never dealt with it.

Good God. A virgin at 22.

- She's 32. - Good God!

So I've been seeing Erica for over a year

and she's anxious to sleep with someone.

Really?

The idea is causing her so much stress

that I talked about arranging a surrogate.

Interesting.

But I'm afraid that paying someone

for her first sexual experience

might feel kind of clinical.

I agree.

Especially if he makes her wear that little paper gown.

So then I thought... and I know it's unorthodox...

maybe I should hook her up with a friend.

I agree with that, too.

Someone who's sexually experienced,

generous in bed, someone I can trust, sensitive.

Well, if you got a friend like that, then you should use him.

The problem is, ethically,

I can't just come out and ask him to do this for me.

So you shouldn't.

- Thanks for hearing me out. - Always there for you.

It's Erica. I should go over this with her.

Yeah. Gotcha.

Hi, Erica.

Thanks for calling.

I just conferred with a colleague,

and hearing it out loud made me realize

we should definitely go with a professional sex surrogate.

I don't know.

It's not something they list on the resume.

Though, clearly, he's making a living with it.

Anger Management 2x30 - Charlie and the Virgin - Original air date August 1, 2013

Have a great day.

- Erica? - Hey, I know you.

Hi, I'm Charlie. Dr. Wales sent me.

She told me a bit about you and your situation

and I thought it'd be a good time to stop by and say hi.

Wow, that was really fast.

I just got off the phone with her.

Well, Kate doesn't mess around.

But I do, that's why she sent me.

Okay.

So you're the guy?

Yup, I'm the guy.

This is really happening.

It's so strange to me,

but I guess you do this all the time.

Oh, hey, I have dry spells like everybody else.

I'm just curious, when did you first realize

you had a talent for this?

Becky Johnson, I guess.

She told all her friends

and I've been pretty busy ever since.

Referrals, huh?

Okay.

Well, I don't know if my shop is really the right place for this.

There's not a lot of space on the counter.

Yeah, this wouldn't work.

Mostly 'cause I'm only validated for another 27 minutes.

Anyway, I thought I'd just come by and introduce myself

and just make sure that you're comfortable with all this.

Honestly, I'm a little nervous.

But that's why I want to do this,

so I won't be nervous anymore.

Good for you.

So how about tonight?

Tonight? Isn't that kind of quick?

You're 32.

You're right. Tonight's good.

Great. Great. I'll just need your address and we're good to go.

So, was this your major in college?

Pretty much.

This and Frisbee.

- Hi. - Hey, baby.

How was Venice Beach?

Did you get that wax for your surfboard?

No, they turned the surf shop into a pot dispensary.

Turns out they've been selling pot the whole time.

So they just got rid of the surfboards.

But Canvas did get a tattoo. Want to show her?

It says "free spirit" in Chinese.

Oh, my God. That's so beautiful.

I'm glad you like it, Mom,

because I got one, too.

Oh, my God, that's horrible.

But you just said that you thought it was beautiful.

That's different.

He's a grown-up. He's not my daughter.

And I don't think he's ever going to apply for a real job.

How could you let her do this?

Free spirit.

You know what? I need a minute.

I have to figure out how I'm gonna handle this with your father.

You're both grounded. You, go to your room.

You, go to your van.

Wow, she was really bummed.

Maybe we should tell her these are fake.

No way. She's always bugging me to loosen up and take chances.

Now that she thinks I did this, we've got to let her live with it.

Please, just one more day.

I get it. I pulled a prank on my parents one time.

I told them I was dropping out of school

and I was gonna live in my car.

Oh, my God. My whole life's been a prank.

That's awesome.

I understand you're looking for an intimacy specialist

for a 32-year-old virgin.

Yes, and you come highly recommended.

You know, I was wavering between going with you

and a layperson, which ironically sounds

a lot like what you do.

Let's move on.

Thank God you didn't choose a layperson.

Because that could be disastrous.

Someone who hasn't been trained properly

might cause a sexually repressed woman

to form unhealthy attachments

by being, say, overly romantic.

Wow. Erica, you look beautiful.

Oh, my God. This is so romantic.

Well, then I am doing everything right.

I am not a racist. I just made a joke.

How did we even end up on guns?

We were talking about the weather.

You give Ed any topic and he can get to guns in six moves.

It's cloudy outside. Clouds make rain.

Dustin Hoffman played Rain Man.

Dustin Hoffman's a Jew.

All Jews are liberals.

Liberals want to take away my guns.

Ha, I did it in five.

Now do cotton candy.

Cotton candy? I love cotton candy.

Anybody who tries to take away my cotton candy

gets shot with my gun. One.

Hey, guys.

Patrick, can I talk to you for a second?

Look, I have a big problem. Sam came home with a tattoo.

I've got to get it removed before Charlie's head explodes.

It's not a tattoo of Charlie's head exploding, is it?

'Cause that would be a real coincidence.

Look, you told me once you had a tattoo removed.

I need a referral. Who did it?

Oh, my God. Don't do it. It is too painful

and it never comes out right.

Doesn't it just disappear?

Kind of.

Oh, look, it left a mark.

- Hey. - Hey.

You know that feeling where you've done something good for somebody

and you just know it's going to change their life?

And you got a little something good out of it, too?

Yeah, I did something really good for Erica.

Yeah, you did.

Oh, did I tell you I met with Dr. Higgins

and he's gonna be her sex surrogate?

Dr. Who-gins?

- Higgins. - What happened with just going with a friend?

Yeah, I was thinking of asking my friend Miguel.

Who?

Thank God I didn't.

I realized you have to go with a professional

or else it could be a real disaster.

Disaster? I'm sure the guy would have been very romantic.

Yeah, that's exactly the problem.

A professional sex surrogate knows just what to do

to keep the client from getting emotionally attached.

Obviously.

An amateur might have brought her flowers and wine

and carried her into the bedroom.

Ugh, can you imagine?

Pretty clearly.