Melissa & Joey

Okay, guys, let's see which one of you can spot what's wrong with this.

It's fine, right?

- I don't-- I don't know if that's fine, dude. - Really-- so-- but--

You don't want long sleeves and cuffs tripping you up.

Besides, people are gonna be watching my moves.

Yeah, so they know what not to do.

Yo, I'm-- I'm gonna say this to you as constructively as I can.

You look like an organ-grinder's monkey, man.

Okay, look, here's the thing--

- You and I are gonna go-- - no. Please don't make me go shopping with you.

- Well, I won't tell anyone I'm your aunt. - They'll know, okay?

they'll know.

Ryder, you want to go to the dance right?

You want your girl to think you look hot, right?

- Yeah. - What you're wearing right now, that is--

That is a girl repellant.

Yeah, and you've already kind of got that naturally.

Okay. Okay, fine.

You know what? I'll get a suit.

But more importantly, stella still needs a sitter for the baby

And the dance is this Saturday, so--

Oh. Well, I'm happy to...

Help you find someone.

- Lennox, you do it. - No way.

- I'll pay you a hundred dollars. - Sold.

For one night?! That's more than I got paid when I was working here!

Well, she's a better negotiator.

Okay, great, so it's figured out.

- Lennox is babysitting. - Except I don't do peek-a-boo,

Funny faces or tummy farts,

'cause you know, that's just degrading.

You're gonna make a great mom.

Not for years and years.

I like the sound of that.

So, joe, I was thinking--

Saturday night, ryder has his dance,

And lennox is gonna be babysitting isabel.

I thought maybe the two of us could get out of the house.

- Ooh! Maybe a little dress-up, huh? - Mmm.

- We go dancing a little bit? - Yeah, and I know just the place.

- Yeah? - ( sweetly ) ryder's high school gymnasium.

I'm sorry. What did you say?

Yeah, they needed chaperones,

- And I volunteered. - ( snorts ) that's awesome.

No no no. We're chaperoning.

Hey. Mel, I-I-- I don't wanna chaperone some lame high school dance.

Well, it won't be lame if we're there

Getting all funky and crunky

And making sure the kids don't get drunky.

Keeping a bunch of pimply 17-year-old kids

From groping each other all night is like torture.

It's like waterboarding set to... Dubstep.

All right, here's the deal: Every household has to volunteer

A certain number of hours, and I've kinda

Not been doing that for the last few-- ever.

I see, so now you're feeling remorseful.

No. The school started a new policy,

And if you don't do your hours,

They post your photo on their web site,

"meet the deadbeat parents."

Public shaming-- the world's greatest motivator.

Look, the dance is from 8:00 until midnight,

So we say we got there at 4:00 and we left at 1:00.

That's nine hours each. It's exactly what I need.

Otherwise, they're gonna post this photo of me.

Oh my god, how did that happen?

I was in the middle of sneezing.

Come on, chaperone with me.

- I'll owe you one. - One what?

You know... That.

Done.

- You're easy. - Hey, hey.

Only 'cause my birthday's a long way off.

Hi. Oh, excuse me. Stella, stella.

- Oh! - Sorry. Did you-- did you get my last couple of texts?

Uh, yeah yeah. I don't think I read 'em.

Oh. Okay. Well, spoiler alert:

Lennox can babysit the night of the dance,

So your daughter will be in relatively good hands.

great. I'm really looking forward to it. Uh-huh.

- Great. This will be great. - Yeah.

Hey, I got a new suit for you,

So I'm gonna be looking very jay-z.

And I'm talking to your butt.

She tells me she needs a sitter, so I find her one.

Then I tell her that I'm getting a new suit for the dance,

I don't know. It's like everything I say puts her in a bad mood.

Why don't you stop... Saying stuff?

And she never responds to my texts.

She literally runs away when I'm talking to her.

It's like-- I don't know.

I still like her, but...

I don't think she likes me anymore.

Hey, man, if she doesn't like you anymore, maybe--

- Maybe it's over. - Over?

She's my girlfriend.

I mean, I really care about her.

She's my stella bella

And I'm her stella fella.

Listen, man.

You know, staying in a miserable relationship

And just slogging through it is--

There's plenty of time for that when you get married.

I mean, if you really care about her, maybe you should just break up with her.

- Doesn't that make me the jerk? - No no, you'd actually be doing her a favor.

Come on, that's what's so great about being

In a serious relationship when you're in high school--

You get to break up with the person without losing your house.

You gotta-- you gotta cherish this time.

Okay, what would I say?

Oh, I can give you the words for that.

You've gotta start off by saying...

"no one is to blame here.

All right? What we had...

Honey, it was beautiful.

Okay? But like--

Like a flower,

It bloomed...

And then it died."

Wow.

- I thought you were good at making eggs. - Mmm.

you know, I should really be writing this down.

Absolutely. You don't wanna miss out on one nugget of that gold.

Hello there, ladies. Hey, what do you think about this, huh?

Do you like that chaperone outfit there? Does that say fun killer or what?

Mmm, super hot fun killer.

Whoa, wait. You guys are chaperoning ryder's dance?

- Does he know about this? - No.

What? Dude, you'd better tell him, give him time to prepare.

His popularity is marginal as it is.

I don't think it's gonna matter that much.

He's having some serious problems with his girl,

So I told him to... Cut bait.

What? No no, I-I-- I didn't say it like that.

- I'm a very sensitive guy. - No, you're not.

Yes, I am. I gave him some very thoughtful phrases--

Time-tested by me-- that right now he is upstairs

Weaving into a very...

Thoughtful, caring break-up speech,

No, you don't break up with a girl 48 hours before a dance!

Yeah, I mean, she already bought her dress...

And shoes, and no doubt she's planned her hair...

And make-up. I mean, this is a huge dating taboo.

Women talk... And hold grudges. Trust me.

Hey, joe, I finished that break-up speech.

- Wanna take a look? - No no, it's-- it's--

"what we had was like a dead flower.

It bloomed and then it died, like a rock."

This guy.

The king of break-up advice.

- Ryder, stop. ( chuckles ) - what do you mean? I'm just telling it--

No no, seriously, dude, stop.

So look, man, when I told you to break up with stella,

What I forgot to mention was that there were certain blackout dates

When break-ups are not permitted, okay? Like...

- Valentine's day. - A girl's birthday.

- New year's eve. - Oh, that's a good one,

Oh, or Halloween if you're doing a couples costume.

Yeah, 'cause you can't have green eggs without ham.

Are we done, kim and khloe?

Or back to my point,

Two days before a very important dance.

So... You're telling me to hold off.

Against my better judgment, yes.

But won't it be like I'm leading her on

If I take her to the dance, when I'm really just gonna break up with her later?

Wh-- yeah, mel, won't it?

Okay, let me explain this to your both

So that you understand.

She has a dress, you're going to the dance.

Case closed. Oh, and by the way,

Okay, well, this just gets better and better.

- You'll thank me someday. - Yeah, I don't think I will.

So here's a second pair of pants in case she needs it,

Why? We're not going out.

Yeah, but some stuff inside her might.

- Eww. ( scoffs ) - hey, stella,

Did I tell you how nice your dress looks?

Uh-huh. Anyway, so there's pureed bananas,

Some oatmeal

And two bottles of breast milk.

- They're still warm. - Yeah, you can just set those on the table.

So if I have to pick her up,

Are there gloves or tongs or something?

don't worry, okay?

If she gets fussy, turn on the twinkle light.

She loves them. So press this button for lights only,

Press this one for music only

And hold them both down for lights and music.

Is there a tech support number?

Stell, don't you look adorable in your dress?

If there was an "unwed teen mom" magazine--

We would regret bringing that up.

All right, let's go everybody.

- All right, shall we? - Sure, why not?

Oh, hang on a second.

I don't know much about babies,

But she kinda feels like a baked potato.

Oh no. I thought she was over this ear thing.

Look, I-- I can't leave her if she's sick.