8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown

Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,

Sean Lock,

Jon Richardson,

David Mitchell,

Roisin Conaty,

Phill Jupitus,

Susie Dent,

and Rachel Riley.

Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!

Hello and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown

a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.

Did you know for example...

In Tarot cards, the number ten is called The Wheel Of Fortune.

And if you've never had a Tarot reading,

it's a surprisingly accurate way

to hand money to a charlatan.

In Roman numerals, putting a bar above a number

multiplies it by one thousand.

Whereas in Scotland, putting a bar above something means it now

also has an upstairs bar.

And the term "duckface",

refers to the pouting expression, often displayed in selfies.

"Duckface" is also what autocorrect changes my name to,

when I get a text off Sean.

Right, let's get started.

OK, let's meet tonight's players.

First up, it's Jon Richardson!

When it comes to Countdown, Jon's a real winner.

Though I doubt that makes up for the rest of his life.

Aw!

And Jon's team-mate, David Mitchell!

David describes himself as a worrier.

That means there are two worriers on Jon's team.

Which, I imagine, they find a bit worrying.

So, Jon, this is David's first time playing Countdown.

Any tips?

Er...

Yeah. Just enjoy it.

You only get one life, just...

It's not about winning. Just as long as you enjoy the experience.

How can I make sure I enjoy the experience?

By winning and being good. Ah.

David, are you as good at Countdown as you look?

I think you know that it's hard to take that as a compliment, Jimmy.

I'm not very good at anagrams. Do anagrams help at all?

You're good with words, but specifically anagrams...

I'm great with words! Just not letters.

Words, I see a word as a thing. I don't care what it's made of.

If you sort of think, a letter is arbitrary.

A word, it's a thing, whatever, Floor...

Can't think of any others.

That's the main one. And it's supposedly made up of letters,

but it's not made up of letters. It's made up of lines.

Some of them are curly, some of them join up, some of them cross each other, it's just lines.

And then, arbitrarily somebody says, "That selection of lines, that's a P.

"And that selection of lines, that's an R." I don't accept that.

It's just... It's all some lines... Is that why your books haven't sold?

I've had some worrying people on my team before.

I've never had someone come on and deconstruct the idea of a letter.

So, are you better at the numbers or the letters? I don't know.

Can I tell you afterwards when it's become clear which?

I think I'll be better at the numbers.

OK. So maths, you're good at maths? Yeah.

Well, I mean, there's only really one number, isn't there? And that's one.

Because in effect, every other number is just made up of lots of ones.

People say, "That's nine." I say, "That's not nine, that's nine ones."

I have feeling it's going to be a very long night for John.

This is what it must be like being sat next to me.

And up against them this evening, it's Sean Lock.

Sean's like a Countdown hustler.

He lures you into thinking he's rubbish and then,

when it really matters, he turns on the brilliance.

He's played the first part to absolute perfection.

And on Sean's team this evening, it's Roisin Conaty.

Roisin comes from an Irish family and has over 80 cousins.

Life with them is a real roller coaster

because they run a fairground.

You're as Irish as me, Jimmy. I know. But, you know...

I was brought up properly.

Roisin, when you look across at Jon and David,

do you think this is a fair match, a fair fight this evening?

You and Sean vs these two?

Yes, I do. I reckon we can take them.

Go Suarez on 'em.

Roisin, last time you were on the show,

you only got five-letter words. All right, Jimmy!

Do you think you'll do better this evening? Have you been practising?

Um, well, I've dyed my hair brunette... In the hope that...

I'm blaming the blonde hair for that night. It's still blonde, isn't it?

No.

It's not blonde. Are you... Because it's blonde colour. It's not blonde!

It looks as if you've let the roots go, but, I mean, that is blonde.

It's not blonde.

I'm a lot darker and, basically, if I do as bad as I did last time,

at least no-one will recognise me when I go blonde again.

That's my plan. Very good. Didn't we win last time? No, Sean.

I was terrible.

Thanks for having me back though!

To be honest, I don't have a lot of choice.

Sean, a lot of celebrities have riders before a big show

that have stuff they need backstage before they do a show.

Do have anything before Countdown that you request?

I tell you what I ask for, it's a very simple thing.

I ask for it every time but they never do it.

I say, "Can I have a sea view?"

It's not a lot to ask for, can I just have a sea view?

But there's apparently no television studios near the sea.

Which is interesting when you think about it.

It's quite discriminatory, isn't it?

To people who live by the seaside who want

to make a career on television. They've got to move.

Which I think is unfair. It's very unfair, it's discriminatory.

There's very little work for trawlermen inland.

To be honest, David,

there's very little work for trawlermen at sea either.

Thanks to the bloody EU. But that's... Their fishing quotas.

Who thought we'd get on fishing quotas this quick?

Sean, have you got a mascot today to bring you good luck?

Yes, I do. I always have a mascot. What have you got?

I've got this, Jimmy. What is this? THIS...

I felt like I needed a bit of coaching,

a bit of confidence, so I got one of those confidence tapes.

And I've just been listening to that.

It really puts my in the... mood.

It convinces me that I can do it, that I can win.

That I am a winner, deep down and I think, you know... Yes!

Can we hear a little bit of this confidence tape? Yeah.

Come on! Go on, Sean!

Go on. Come on, Sean, come on, Sean!

Go on, Sean...

Roisin, have you got a mascot of some description? Yes, I do.

Last time I was on the show, I got a four-letter word.

Which is embarrassing,

but not as embarrassing as when I realised the letter W

wasn't even on there, so I'd got a four-letter word with no W,

so now I've brought binoculars to make sure

that I can see the letters.

What was your four-letter word? News.

Never forget it.

And there was no W? No W...

Am I right that you have to make the words

out of the letters that appear there?

Sick! It's bloody sick!

I always assumed that people came up with the word

and then they edited in the letters afterwards.

It would be a lot easier. You'd think.

Put GIRAFFE or whatever and then you'd put R, F, G...

Up there afterwards. That's not how you spell giraffe...

David, have you got a mascot? Yes, I do. What have you got?

I've got a Pointless mug.

What are you playing at?

Well, it's a great show, isn't it, Pointless?

I mean, it's a really good show.

It's bigger than the Countdown mug.

Something's happened to Roisin's arm.

What's happened to your arm? I don't know.

It's the dirt from the binoculars...

It's not...

Not many guests that we have on

that are just covered in shit immediately.

You're a real talent.

How did you manage to get that on you?

I leaned down and I got covered in stuff, God...

I think we can probably get someone in to clean your arm.

I've got fake tan on though.

I mean, this is a disaster!

Can you rub the dirt in? Just blend it.

Rub the dirt in?

You just carry on, I'll just rub this dirt in for a bit.

Bet you're glad you've got me now, aren't you, Sean?

Jon, have you got a mascot?

Yeah, I've hidden shit under everyone's desks.

Well, I did a bit of maths in my spare time recently, Jimmy.

We've done a lot of these shows now and I added up.

I've spent nearly two hours just listening to the clock.

So I decided that today I would use my time better.

And I've brought - I've started it already -

a little model to be getting on with.

And I've got all my little bits.

And in my down time, I'm going to build the Leaning Tower Of Pisa.

But I always considered the Leaning Tower Of Pisa to be a success

because it's a failure.

So what I've done is, not done the bottom layer,

so it'll just go nice and straight.

I'm not only going to build the Tower Of Pisa,

I'm going to correct it as well.

And then I'm going to send a picture of it to Italy

and see if they can buck their ideas up.

Seems fair. OK, over in Dictionary Corner, we've got Phill Jupitus.

Hello.

Phill, it's your first time on Countdown. Are you good at the game?

I'm a fan. I can't imagine that I'd be that good at it

because um... What screws me up is the pressure element.

The time consideration thing.

If I'd about half an hour for the word,

I reckon I could really nail it.

And as for the sums, you can forget it.

I used to work in a bar, so if we did the sums in terms of lagers

I think I'd be better at the sums.

And with the word puzzle...