Manny Lewis

Do you ever pretend you're dead at home, just practise?

Do you ever pretend you're dead in the bath...

just hold your nose and float around like a bloated corpse?

Have you ever contemplated suicide

just because you're in a convenient spot to do it?

You're not particularly unhappy...

'Yeah, that'd work, if I was going to do it.'

Like, I was bushwalking the other day with some friends.

It was a beautiful day. We were all connecting and chatting.

We went on this big ridge, we looked at the horizon.

There's a huge drop. I looked over, and the voice in my head went, 'Jump.'

'What?' 'You heard me.'

'Why?' 'You know why.'

I was making some toast the other morning.

Had the knife in my hand, looking at the toaster, waiting for it to come up.

The voice said, 'Stick it in.'

'Why?' 'You know why.'

I blame my father.

People always say to me, 'Where do you get your sense of humour from?'

I say, 'My old man,'

'cause I figured out early on that there was something really wrong with him.

She goes, 'You're better looking in real life.'

Sounds like a compliment.

What it means is, 'Because on TV, you look like shit.'

You know, my whole life, I've tried to improve myself,

ever since I was a young kid. I used to read a lot, try and make myself better.

You know what I've realised now that I'm older? You can't. It's hopeless.

You'll never be anything different than what you are.

It's a happy story!

When I was a kid...

For a long time, I thought my mother was dead, when I was a kid.

I walked in the lounge room... 'Dad?' He goes, 'What?'

'Where's Mum?' 'Your mother?

She went mad and shot herself.'

I was eight.

I recently went to an old girlfriend's wedding. I don't recommend it.

I thought it'd be cool, going to an old girlfriend's wedding.

It's all a bit French and everything... 'Cool. We're all happy now.'

Shit.

The predominant feeling at an old girlfriend's wedding is, failure.

Look at the happy couple on the altar. 'She's happy now.

I've never seen her smile like that before.'

I've still got old girlfriends' numbers in my phone. I can't let go.

Some part of me thinks, 'Maybe we'll get back together.

Maybe I'll ring them, drunk, at two in the morning...

'Hey! How are you? I've been thinking about you lately.

Let's have a kid.'

What can I say about this fella? I mean...

We both met starting out,

and it's just been an absolute pleasure, watching him grow.

I love him like a brother, and I'd like to propose a toast to my friend.

Manny, congratulations on a really successful tour, mate.

Here's to Manny.

Thanks, everyone. Cheers.

Is your old man coming?

Nah. Knew he wouldn't.

- Never does. - Ah.

Oh, anyway, let's just go and enjoy ourselves, eh?

Yeah.

Come on, get into it.

I can't be bothered.

Mate, you need a woman.

Who are half these people, anyway?

It doesn't matter. There's some fucking gold in there, mate.

Yeah.

Just come and meet some of them. Come on.

Come on, mate. Just go and have a dance!

Come on!

I really connect to everything you say.

Thanks. I appreciate that, but it's just jokes.

No, you don't understand.

What you say is the truth.

You mean, like a prophet?

Yes, you are, in a way.

Would it be strange if I asked you for a hug?

Probably.

OK. Ah, sorry.

Nah, it's alright.

Anyway, um...

When we had hangovers, we would have these Manny days.

We'd all get together and make these really strong bloody Marys

and watch your DVDs.

What, you only find me funny when you're drunk?

No, no. I...

So, are you, like,

a manic depressive?

- Yeah, I am, a bit. - So am I.

No, I'm not really. Sorry.

Apparently, you need, like, four hugs a day to actually survive.

If you don't get hugs, if people don't get hugs,

they can actually die.

How do you know? How do you know if it's manic depression?

You might just be miserable. Misery's not a disease.

It's just misery.

Nothing wrong with being miserable,

unless you hang around a bunch of happy people.

- They shit me. - Do they?

Yeah. Happy people shit me.

You don't shit me.

Thank you.

'Cause you look like how I feel.

You To Me Are Everything

Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again?

I'm Not Coming Back

What are you doing out here, mate? There's girls in there.

What am I going to do with them?

Have sex with one of them.

I might just go home.

I've got some good news for you.

That's Joel Hillman.

- Who? - Joel Hillman.

- The American promoter. Remember? - Oh! Yeah, yeah.

Mate, the big US tour's coming off.

Yeah, right. Yeah.

You're a classic, mate.

What?

- You alright? - Yeah, I'm alright.

Yeah, I'm fine.

- Cheers, mate. - Cheers, mate.

All good.

America, here we come.

I've never been there.

They shouldn't let you in.

You know how they say, 'Smile, and the whole world smiles with you'?

No, they don't. They think there's something wrong with you.

I see someone walking down the street, smiling,

the first thing I think is, 'Drugs.'

If you see someone happy, you think there's something wrong with them.

You don't notice all the miserable, unhappy people though.

They fade in the background, because that's normal.

You know, when you're famous...

Being famous is, well, it's hard sometimes.

It's like you're a marked man.

You walk the street, people are staring at you.

They point, whisper your name. 'There's Manny over there. Look at him.

He's got a funny head.'

Like you've done something wrong. Sometimes I feel like a criminal.

All I did was make them laugh.

Even prostitutes recognise me.

I walked past one the other day. 'Hey, Manny, want to come up for a freebie?'

'No, thanks. I'll pay.'

G'day, mate.

How are you?

You're a nice puppy.

You by yourself tonight, hm?

By yourself?

Where's your mates?

Where's your mates?

Did they go on?

See you next time.

Abs workout targets all those flabby bits

I just couldn't get rid of.

I have been working out...

Welcome to Fantasy Hotline. We're just putting you through to our first...

Welcome to Fantasy Hotline.

I'm just putting you through to our first available lady.

The young and beautiful Caroline is ready to take your call.

- Hello? - Hello?

Hi. I'm Caroline.

Who am I talking to?

Me. I'm... Thomas.

Thomas! Tell me what you look like, Thomas.

I've got brown skin. I'm really tall.

Mmm! Tall men turn me on, Thomas.

Yeah. We're all tall in my family. What do you look like?

- Long, leggy, curvaceous. - Oh, yeah?

I love long, leggy, curvaceous.

Tell me, Thomas, what turns you on?

Whatever. I like to do anything. What do you like?

Let's start with a long and slow back massage.

What? You're going to give me a back massage?

Oh, yeah! You'll love it.

- I don't really want a back massage. - You're so tense!

- No, I don't want one. - Let me press my thumb...

I said I don't want one.

Back massage?

I don't want a back massage!

It's my money. $5 a minute.

Fuck. It's cheaper to go and get a proper massage.

Hello?

This is my fantasy.

I don't lay in bed at night thinking, 'I'd love to have a back massage

over the phone.'

Well. Mm, I really upset you.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry I snapped at you.

I just feel like talking, really.

What do you want to talk about?

Um, back massages? Just kidding.

Whatever.

It's better than watching TV.

Thomas. Sounds like a Czech name.

Are you Czech?

I don't know.

I'm a bit of everything, really.

I'm a mongrel.

Mm, sounds strong.

Yeah.

I got big arms.

I've got a beard.