IDIOTSITTER 2016

If you're here for the GED, please have a seat.

We will begin in exactly two minutes.

Would you like to find a desk?

Yeah, I'll do that, right after you find a personality.

Am I right?

Morning burn.

Get it while it's hot.

Oh, now it's cold.

Miss Russell, is it?

Oh, please, my friends call me Gene.

- Okay, Gene. - Oh, you're not my friend.

- Miss Russell. - Present.

Miss Russell!

You can leave if you want to.

It doesn't matter to me.

The test begins now.

I stayed.

Good for you.

"A man rents a vacuum cleaner for $28.84

from 9:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m."--

You're speaking out loud, you know?

Huh? Oh, sorry.

Ha ha!

I worked so hard!

You know what?

Screw it.

Prison might not be that bad.

We both watch "Orange Is the New Black."

You could be the head of

some Christian methy white power posse in--in two days.

No, I don't know if I would,

because I passed the test.

- What? - I passed the test.

- You passed the test? - I got you, you brainy bitch!

You got big ol' brains, bitch.

You got big ol' brains, bitch!

Well, I got big ol' brains

'cause you gave me big ol' brains, you bitch.

What'd you say, ol' bitch?

I can't understand you when you talk in that register, bitch.

Yeah, it was crazy.

I kept guessing answers, but these times,

the guesses were, like, different than regular guesses.

They were like super guesses.

Well...

maybe you just learned something.

Yeah, maybe. Who knows?

Don't hold your breath, coach.

- So what are you gonna do now? - Well...

It feels like your life kind of has no purpose

now that I've passed my GED.

Well, I didn't want to steal your spotlight...

What?

But I had a phone interview yesterday with UCLA,

and there's an opening in the history department,

so all I've got to do is nail my demo lecture tomorrow,

and it's all good, baby!

I'll get it. Can you grab my water?

- I'm a little thirsty. - Oh, yeah.

Getting sweaty with some b-ball!

- Strenuous. - Thanks.

- Tomorrow? - What's wrong with that?

Uh, nothing, except you have a fear of public speaking.

I mean, have you been working on this at all?

Well, I have been teaching you for a year.

Yeah, but I'm, like, one person and an excellent pupil.

Slam dunk!

Yeah, well, I've been working on my lectures.

It's not like I'm gonna go in cold, you know?

Nothing but net!

Oh, my God.

It's a taco that tastes like a Dorito.

This is nuts.

Tell me the truth. If it's bad, I can handle it.

It's not gonna be bad. Let's hear it.

Come on. Whoo, Billie!

All right.

Oh, I'll wait.

Billie, there's gonna be a lot of people staring at you.

Actually, this might be good practice.

- Stay there, Joy. - All right.

The flaming arrow was first discovered by Sir Gawain of Noth

when he pulled his own arrow from a burning body

only to find the tip ignited.

How can I appreciate medieval weaponry

if I'm not familiarized

with the political diaspora of the time?

Let's get--

And that's what really puts the sword in the...

In the stone.

Shut up.

Oh, my gosh, how long was I-- how long were you talking?

Like, two hours?

Five minutes.

Oh, my God.

That was, like, the best sleep I've ever gotten.

Are you laughing or are you crying?

This is laughing.

Okay, let's do

some confidence-building exercises, yeah?

Okay.

Okay. First off, no notes.

All right? Notes are for nerds.

That's why they both begin with the letter N.

I think you gave me a paper cut.

Oh, let me see.

- Ahh! - Second rule: Toughen up.

You got to walk in that classroom like you own a joint.

- Marijuana. - Can I have a Band-Aid?

It's bleeding now.

And C: just like in prison,

you want to find the baddest badass and kick their ass bad.

Okay, this sounds dangerous.

Oh.

It is.

Do you have something in your throat?

Yeah, there is something. I think it's Dorito.

Motivate me. Teach me.

- I'm trying. - Motivate.

The flaming arrow!

Congrats, teach.

You've officially got my attention.

Oh, nice.

You think-- yeah, you think I can do it?

Does a bear sit in the woods?

Oh, yeah. I guess it does.

Unless it's a polar bear. Then it sits in a frozen tundra.

Billie.

"Just remember, you're 'someting' special.

"Oops, I said 'someting' instead of 'something.'

Makes me sound hella Asian."

Hella Asian or hella racist?

- Oh. - 'Cause you said "someting."

I was just reading something else that someone wrote.

I like Asian.

- What about 'em do you like? - Oh, like, I like--

'Cause I can't think of a thing.

- You really-- - What up? I'm Cal, Ren History.

- I'm joking around. - Oh, oh.

I'm shock-proof when it comes to comedy.

Oh, good, good.

- I'm not racist at all. - Good.

My first wife was half African-American.

Oh, congrat...

- Maybe a quarter. - ulations.

- You must be Ms. Brown. - I am.

- So you're guesting? - Yes.

The kids are on fleek. You're gonna dig 'em.

- Yeah, yeah. - You ready to do this?

I'm a little--to--honest, I'm a little nervous.

- Yeah, great to meet ya. - Great to meet--

- Welcome. - Thank you.

- Right on, welcome. - Right on, welco--

- Right on, welcome. - Thank you.

And voila.

Hmm?

"Ankle deep in dat dick."

Oh, crap. I forgot about that.

As a representative of the state of California,

you, Genevieve Russell...

Oh, my friends call me Gene.

Have officially completed the full term of your house arrest.

You're not my friend. Get it?

In compliance with your parole,

you are obligated to acquire a job within 30 days.

If not, you will have to continue your sentence

either in the house, or worse, jail.

What are you talking about?

I was looking forward to the surprise

I was gonna see on your face at this moment.

Why are you excited about that?

It's just as I pictured it.

In all sincerity,

I know this has been a tough road for you,

and congratulations.

That means a lot to me--

Did you just laugh?

I don't think so.

Thank you.

Whoo!

- Yeah! - Yeah!

What's up, dorks?

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're the coolest, Professor Crame.

Oh, cool it, Vance.

But thank ya.

- We have a guest speaker. - What?

all: Aww.

Guys, be easy.

She's here to talk about weaponry--

exciting-- of the mid-1600s.

I pass the torch.

Give her a round of applause, the way we do!

It's all yours. Take 'em away.

These kids are on fleek. Run.

All right.

Just gonna get this up...

here.

Oh, it's colder.

Should have brought a jacket.