The King of Queens

Ah, Douglas, just the man I wanted to see.

Give my résumé a once-over,

will you?

Your résumé?

What's that about? What, you...

You want to go back to work? Yeah.

I just can't take it anymore, Douglas.

Sitting alone in that basement all day.

To be honest with you, I'm starting to have some...

very strange thoughts.

Really. Huh.

Hadn't picked up on that.

So, this going to land me a job,

or what?

Well, my first thought is,

you might not want to do it

in magic marker.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Hmm...

and which Little Rascal

were you?

Onions, beloved by millions,

till that bastard Alfalfa took it all away.

All right, this,

see, I got to throw a flag on this, okay?

Somebody's going to check with NASA.

That's for me to worry about.

All I wanted

was for you to double-check

my spelling and grammar

and not nitpick

at every little detail!

Okay! Fine!

You spelled GPA wrong.

Other than that, it's perfect.

Thank you.

So there I am,

watching TV with my mom,

and I turn to her and go,

"Hey, when is Aunt Gwinnie

getting here?"

So I hear Larry King on the TV say,

"She'll be with us at 7:00."

See, he was talking about a guest.

Uh, I think it was Joyce Dewitt or Cindy Williams.

I always get those two mixed up,

but it sounded like he was answering me.

That's so weird, isn't it?

I wonder where Doug is.

I bet you wish to God

you hadn't lost your house key.

No, no. This is...

This is nice.

Did you read that thing in The Times

about how some men can lactate?

That was awesome! I'm telling you,

it's a rush every time you get on.

Hey. Hey, babe.

What's up?

Oh, not much.

I was just out riding on Richie's hog.

Okay. Please rephrase that.

I got a motorcycle.

Really? Yeah.

It's unbelievable.

We went from here to, like, Modells and back

in, like, two minutes.

It's so fast.

You zip in and out through traffic,

and I got to level with you.

There was a breeze blowing up my shorts

that felt like Christmas.

Very nice. House key, please.

Oh, right.

God, that was so cool.

Everybody's looking at you, like, whizzing by...

and then, out of nowhere,

Richie just pulls this wheelie.

I wasn't going for one. You just leaned back.

Uh, you know, from here,

it sounds like Mr. Doug

wants to buy himself a motorcycle.

You know what?

I am a little tempted.

Moose, you should see the guy that I got mine from.

He's got some real beauties cheap,

and they run like new.

You know what? Give me his number.

Maybe I'll...

You're not getting a motorcycle.

Why not? Okay, Doug,

did you not hear my buzzer noise?

This is not going to happen.

Why not?

Because they're too dangerous,

and people die on them.

I don't want

to have to constantly worry about you.

Yeah, but, Carrie, I wouldn't...

Doug, no motorcycle.

If you want, I'll buy you a Schwinn,

we'll put a baseball card

in the spokes,

It'll sound almost the same...

Okay?

Screw that noise.

I can get one if I want.

Okay, Doug, give me your hand.

I want to make this easy for you.

No.

No.

Now, give me the keys.

I don't want to miss The Real World.

I love you. Don't be home late.

Bye, guys.

Goodnight, Carr. Bye-bye. Bye.

What?

Nothing. So, uh...

you want to shoot some pool,

Mrs. Heffernan?

Yeah, we could spot you two balls.

Hey, so much for traditional gender roles,

huh?

I'm going to use the bathroom.

So, yeah, you want to shoot a game?

For real.

No. You know what? No, thanks.

Come on, man, we're just kidding around.

It's not you. It's Carrie.

I mean, what was that about?

"No. No discussion."

Sorry.

Sorry!

Easy. Easy.

I just thought marriage was supposed to be

this mutual sharing dialog thing.

No.

Well, you know what? Ours is. Usually.

Oh, really?

Last year, uh...

Where was it you wanted to go on vacation?

Baseball Hall of Fame. Baseball Hall of Fame.

Cooperstown,

and, uh, where'd you end up going?

Antiquing in Connecticut.

So you did, and, uh, last week,

when we were renting movies to watch with the wives, uh...

what did we end up renting?

I don't know.

I can't remember.

No, no. What did we rent?

I don't know. What did we rent?

Hope Floats, all right?

There it is! Hope Floats!

You see what I'm saying?

You're married.

Don't fight it.

You just got to...

Focus on a point on the wall and...

let it happen.

No. No, you know what?

You focus. Not this guy.

I'm picking up my own soap,

and I'm getting out of the shower.

Soap?

What the hell are you talking about?

I don't know. What are you talking about?

She's pretty sweet, huh?

Oh, that she is.

Richie's right. You, uh...

You do nice work.

Yeah.

I hollowed out the cams,

put in bigger piston heads.

You know, give it a couple more horses.

Good. Yeah, because I, uh...

I probably would've hollowed them out myself.

Now I don't have to. That's good.

So, you want to do the deal?

Hmm. I don't know.

What do you want for it?

1200.

Hmm.

It's a nice bike,

but I don't know if it's 1200 nice.

1200.

It is nice.

Still, I don't know, you know?

1200...

What are you looking for?

I don't know. Here's 1200.

Darling, I need to borrow the iron.

Dad, I told you.

If you want a grilled cheese sandwich,

I will make you one.

No, no.

I just wanted to press my pants.

I got a job interview in the morning.

Really?

Good for you.