Pillion

(crescendo of motorbike engines)

Man: A one, two, three...

-(people chattering happily) -(laughter)

You, er, you ever been on a motorbike?

Oh, er, nah.

Never been with a biker then?

Me? A biker? No.

Have you?

No, I haven't, no.

Not my cup of tea.

So, er...

does your mum set you up with lots of guys?

Er, no. Actually, you're the first.

Oh. (chuckles)

Lucky me.

I need a piss.

Coming?

Joking.

Er, one more and then...

let's make a move.

Great.

Man: Wey!

-Oh, sorry. Sorry, lads. -Chop, chop.

Barwoman: Who's next?

Hi.

-Erm... -Man: What crisps do you have?

Barwoman: Ready salted. Salt and vinegar.

Prawn cocktail.

Man: We'll have one of each.

Barwoman: That's £4.80.

(background chatter and music continues)

-(paper rustles) -(soft music)

-Ooh, yeah... -That's it, yeah, yeah.

Nice, okay. One more?

-Please. -(whistles)

Hello?

Colin: Hiya.

Peggy: How was it, Col?

You had a nice time?

Yeah. Yeah.

-Nice chap, isn't he? -Mm-hmm.

Alright. Night, darling.

Stockings at eight, okay?

-(cheers) -(crackers explode)

You won!

Amazing, Mum!

You alright, Bax?

Baxy, are you okay sweetheart?

You alright there, love? Yeah?

Look, are you having your dinner?

Here, give us your cracker.

Look, Nanny's done you a lovely dinner.

That's it, open that cracker, aww...

Here Dad, do the cracker with her.

-Come on. -Did you get some play dough?

-You wanna do it, yeah? -Oh, right. Here y'are...

What's his name?

Erm...

We didn't really, er...

-You don't know his name? -I...I didn't ask, Don.

I can wait nearby, if you want?

No, it's fine. It's okay.

Take the dog.

It's not clean. I...I don't wanna take the dog.

What normal person asks someone for a date

on Christmas Day?

Peggy: Well, maybe he's alone.

Pete: Yeah, maybe he's lonely.

Maybe I'll get my head bashed in or something.

Peggy: Nonsense. Ignore your brother.

It's an adventure.

Since when did Colin like adventures?

Well, I think a biker sounds exciting.

You can borrow your dad's leather jacket.

Beautiful. Beautiful.

Erm...

Er...

Oh, bugger!

Leave it.

Er...just...leave it?

Ooh...

Mm.

What am I gonna do with you?

Whatever you want...

really.

Hold up your hands.

Other way.

Oh.

Oh!

I know this one, actually.

So, er...ready?

Ugh! (laughs)

Oh, yeah.

Urgh.

Yeah. Wow, you're strong!

Uh...

-Do you give? -What...excuse...?

Do you give?

Ee...ee...argh, yes!

Yes!

Ugh!

Sorry.

-Urgh. -Down.

Erm...

Down?

Lick.

Erm...er...

Uh...

Like that? Erm, oh...

Huh.

Huh.

Hu, hu, hu, huh. Mm...

Mm...uh...

-(distant shouting) -(clattering, clanging)

Alright.

-(gagging, choking) -(sighs)

Ah.

-Go... -Urgh.

Alright.

Yeah.