Modern Family

Oh, God!

It's a little early, isn't it?

Go back to sleep. I don't need you awake for this.

Honey, it's Christmas Eve.

Are you gonna spend all day on that thing?

I made a promise.

Yes!

Last Christmas, Phil got an elliptical machine

and vowed to walk the equivalent

of our house to Canada in one year.

This body doesn't just happen, ladies.

If he didn't make it,

no machine in the bedroom.

Except for this machine in the bedroom, ladies.

Who are these ladies?

Oh, Phil, give it up.

Oh, you would love that, wouldn't you?

Just when I'm so close to the Canadian border,

I can smell the bacon

and the reasonably priced medications.

Mom, this came for you from Nana.

I don't know why she bothers to wrap it every year.

It's always the same thing -- slippers.

You never know. She might surprise you this year.

Would you care to take a visit

to the museum of maternal indifference?

Watch it!

Oh, careful!

You guys are really moving her downstairs right now?

Aren't you gonna be late for work?

They're not gonna fire an elf on Christmas Eve.

Ugh, I thought this would be lighter without my shoes on it.

You know, once you set up your room,

you could put books on this.

Books... on a shoe shelf.

Right.

- You're not gonna jump on that? - I'm just too happy!

After today,

there'll be no more clothes thrown everywhere,

no more hour-long phone calls

where all she says is "no way."

I think it's a little sad

that you guys are doing this today.

I remember when you used to get

into the same bed on Christmas Eve

and talk about all the presents you were gonna get.

It's a perfect day for it!

When I wake up in my own room tomorrow,

I'm going to be giving thanks for my independence.

And isn't that what Christmas is all about?

Seriously? Nothing?

This is your great-grandmother's recipe.

If she could see you now...

..she would die again, because you're doing it wrong!

My mother has been here all week.

I love her very much, but you know what they say --

house guests start to stink after three days,

like dead bodies.

What the hell is that?

A fiber-optic tree.

It's way better for the environment than a real one.

Not if the environment is my living room.

Look, I admit, it takes some getting used to,

but so did Greek yogurt.

Now I can't even remember how the old stuff tastes.

Why do we keep changing things that don't need changing?

Christmas is real trees and eggnog,

Perry Como and Bing on the hi-fi.

Now you're just making up words.

I'm drawing a line in the sand.

We're gonna get a real tree,

and we're gonna cut it down like I did when I was a kid.

Follow me.

Hi, dad.

Can't talk. Saving Christmas.

Hi. Thank you again for coming.

No problem. I love babysitting!

Good! We're going to run some quick errands.

Wait, if you're taking Joe --

Hola, Claire!

Around 4:00, she gets fussy for her bottle.

Lily, do you know why I'm able to relax

and read this paper today?

Because you don't have a job?

FYI, I am starting a new job in exactly t--

No. We're not doing this again.

It's because I planned ahead.

I finished my Christmas shopping weeks ago.

It's important to keep busy.

I-it is perfectly normal to take some downti--

No. No!

Okay.

I printed out the directions to Pepper's party.

We're calling it "The 12 gays of Christmas" now.

Oh, just be thankful

we talked him out of "Feliz navidude."

Okay, honey, finish your breakfast

so we can go help our fellow man!

One hour at this charity event, max.

I can't eat.

I'm too excited to get my Puppy Pound.

I'm -- I'm sorry. Your what?

Puppy Pounds have six puppies

with online profiles.

Ask your parents before using the Internet.

Honey, you never mentioned a-a-a Puppy Pound.

- What is she talking about? - I-it's not on your list.

Yes, it is. "Puppy Pound."

Oh, no! She put a "p" backwards.

And, honey, there's a "u" in "pound."

- This says "guppy pond"! - Guppy pond!

What is a guppy pond?

It's only the -- the coolest gift ever!

I want a Puppy Pound.

Um, honey, it's c--

Okay.

I am not pointing fingers,

but our daughter had

exactly one thing on her list,

and someone didn't get it,

so someone needs to go to the mall.

You're pointing fingers.

No. It's still a "1."

It just fell asleep on the job.

Ellipticaler's log, 12/24.

10 miles from Canadian border.

Spirits -- high. Stamina -- strong.

Must get another application of thigh lube.

Oh, good. Luke.

Dad, I was with you on the tightrope.

I was your wing man in the wing-eating competition.

But I'm not feeling this one.

You're missing Christmas Eve.

There's something more important than Christmas, son -- pride.

If I don't make it to Canada,

your mom wins, and this baby

ends up in the garage first thing in the morning.

Our garage?

I'm in charge of the recycling.

I'm supposed to bring it from the garage to the curb

by 6:00 A.M. thursday morning.

I may have missed a few weeks.

Shoot!

Maybe more than a few weeks.

After a while, the pile just got so big,

I couldn't bring it out the night before

or people would ask questions.

I don't need people asking questions.

Then you're right! You've got to finish!

You'll never use this thing in the garage! It's too drafty!

That's why I'm going to Canada, buddy --

to avoid the draft!

No.

Bang.

I know we've been hiking for an hour, but...

Worth it when you look at this beauty, huh?

That's why you don't cut down the first tree you see.

This is literally the first tree we saw.

There's our car.

No, we started that way.

So, you're arguing

that we walked entirely around the earth?

Give me the ax.

Don't give me that look.

Trees are like women.

The best ones make you work a little bit harder.

She's just not that into you.

- I know! - Sorry it too long!

Oh, it's fine.

Claire and I were having a nice time catching up.

I am really sorry that I am late.

No, you're not.

No, I'm not.

Mm-hmm. It's fine.

Just hope I didn't talk Pilar's ear off!

No!

I love hearing about your family

and your big, new job!

Oh, well, it's -- it's not such a big job.

I mean, I'm really just working for my dad.

But you're working hard.

I'm proud of you.

- How do they look? - Ooh! Perfect!

- Yes. - You are a wonderful student.

Thank you.

My grandmother taught my mother.

My mother taught me.

And now, I teach Claire.

And don't be so modest.

I respect a woman who can raise a family

and have a full-time job.

Can you believe that on Fridays,

they don't even have to dress up?

Taste. Taste. Taste.

Sometimes, they even wear sweatpants.

Would you like to lick the batter?

Yes! Oh, yes!

- Me, too! - No, no, no!

Helpers only.

I don't make the rules.