ALF’s Special Christmas

On the 82nd day of Christmas

My true love gave to me

Eighty-two cats a-frying

Eighty-one cats a-broiling Eighty cats a-baking

Enough, ALF.

Seventy-nine cats a-toasting Seventy-eight cats a-boiling

Enough.

Seventy-seven cats a-sizzling Seventy-six cats a-poaching

- Enough, ALF, no more. - I mean it.

Fine.

Not only are we spending Christmas in some desolate cabin...

...with no running water, we're not allowed to sing.

You can sing. Just don't sing about you-know-what.

What?

Roasting cats.

I didn't say roasting.

I said frying, boiling, baking...

- You know what we mean. - Right.

Right, no cat songs.

Dad, do you think there's gonna be snow?

Yes, hopefully.

Oh, great.

No running water, no cat songs and no snow.

We should have tied him to the roof rack.

Why are we stopping here?

This is it.

This is where we're gonna spend our Christmas.

Well, why didn't you just get a manger?

Let's check this out.

You check it out.

I need to check out the outdoor plumbing.

Come on.

Well?

Well?

What do you think?

It's...

...rustic.

I think it's neat.

Brian, I was just about your age...

...when I spent Christmas here with my whole family.

And I...

I don't think Mr. Foley...

I don't think Mr. Foley has changed a thing.

Kitchen could use some updating.

Look, look. This is where we put our stockings.

And the tree was right over there.

And then on Christmas Eve, we drank hot apple cider with cinnamon...

...and sang Christmas carols until the wee hours of the morning.

This is gonna be that sort of a Christmas.

A Christmas full of warmth and love and joy.

Help, help. I'm stuck in the outhouse.

Hold that thought.

Hey, hey, careful with that box, Willie.

That's precious cargo.

Well, gee, what's in it? It's so heavy.

Your color TV.

Well, you said there wouldn't be any TV up here.

There is no TV because there is no electricity.

You see, you can't run a TV without electricity.

Oh, great. There goes the Perry Como special.

What's in this one?

Your microwave.

But it seems like a moot point now.

Well, what happened was my dad lost his job...

...and then we lost our house.

How do you lose a house?

No, no, no, we didn't actually lose the house.

We just... We couldn't afford to make the payments anymore...

...and we had to get out.

Well, it was the middle of December.

And we were literally out in the streets...

...when Mr. Foley heard about what happened.

And he said that he had this cabin up in the woods...

...that he hardly ever went to.

And we could stay there for as long as we had to.

You know, that Christmas, we had nothing.

We had absolutely nothing, no presents, no toys.

Nothing.

But I think that was the best Christmas I can remember.

Where was Mr. Foley?

He was at his house in town.

I bet it had indoor plumbing.

So last month we got a letter that Margaret was ill.

And since they weren't gonna be using the cabin...

You jumped at the invitation.

-We're not getting through here. -It's just a phase.

I'm sorry, Dad. I know we're gonna have a great time.

Deck the dump with boughs of holly

Here you go, Willie, hang the holly.

-Where did you find this holly? -Out back.

-Oh, I like your sweater. -Well, thank you.

-It's the Perry Como look. -Heh, heh.

It's stunning.

You know, it looks a little bit like...

It is.

It's the Christmas present I bought for Willie.

Take off the sweater.

What are you doing with it?

Wearing it. I looked pretty silly in your new robe.

Honey, did you get me a robe?

Apparently.

What do you mean apparently?

It's right in that box, next to Brian's bicycle.

I get a bike for Christmas?

Oh, boy.

-Can I have it now? -No, no, son.

You can wait till Christmas morning, can't you?

Okay.

ALF, these are Christmas presents.

They're supposed to be opened on Christmas Day.

And they're supposed to be surprises. And they're not from you, anyway.

Sure they are. Look at the tags.

"To Willie, from ALF."

"To Kate, from ALF."

"To Lynn, from ALF."

"To ALF, from ALF."

"To Brian, from ALF."

Did you change these tags?

When do I have time to shop?

He changed the tags.

He put his name on Brian's bicycle, and then he told him what it was.

Well, I didn't tell him it's red.

It's red?

I just said that to throw him off the track.

Well, what do you mean? He is getting a red bicycle.

Not exactly.

As you and I know, it's a bicycle kit.

Yeah, some assembly is required, yes.

Some assembly? Have you read the instructions?

What is required is a pair of pliers, a screwdriver...

And someone who has a vague idea of what they're doing.

I think I'll hang the holly.

Dad, wait. I don't think that's holly.

Well, what is it, then?

I think it's poison oak.

Kate...

...is this poison oak?

Well, I don't know, honey. Brian is the Cub Scout.

How can you tell?

Elementary, Willie.

Once a week, the kid puts on a blue uniform and goes to a meeting.

Are you finished?

Unless I hear laughter in the next few seconds.

I withdraw the Cub Scout joke. Go on with your lives.

What makes you think this is poison oak, B?

Well, it has three leaves.

Kate, start pumping.

Running water would come in handy now, wouldn't it, Willco?

You don't understand, do you? You just...

You don't understand anything about Christmas, do you?

You think it's just opening presents and being a general nuisance.

- Honey, I... - Well, isn't it time...?

Isn't it about time that he had a little consideration for the rest of us?

Now, take that poison oak and dump it way out in the woods.

And don't hurry back.

This, Brian and Lynn, this is Mr. Foley.

- Hi. - Hi, you there. Hi.

Hi, Mr. Foley, it's nice to meet you.

We were thinking about fixing something to eat.

-Won't you stay with us? -Oh, no, thank you, Mrs. Tanner.

I was just on my way to deliver a truckful of toys to the hospital.

I thought I'd stop by to see if you needed anything in town.

Truckful of toys.

You know, every year, Mr. Foley repairs toys that children have thrown away.

And on Christmas Eve, he takes them into town to the hospital.

-And he gives them out... -Oh, no, not quite, Willie.

You see, I deliver the toys to Santa Claus...

...and he gives them to the children in the hospital.

Oh.

Now tell me, how is Mrs. Foley? Any better?

Well, I mustn't keep Santa Claus waiting.

Good day.

Oh.

A replica of a Batu spaceship.

Perfect for Brian.

Doesn't fly.

Wait. Mr. Foley.

Mr. Foley.

Is there anything wrong?

-I mean... -Oh. Oh, I almost forgot.

-Here's your Christmas present. -Oh.

Now, promise me you won't open it until Christmas day?

-Yeah. -Gosh.

A rolling cat platter.

Perfect for Lucky.

I'll give it to Kate.

Oh.

Margaret passed away two weeks ago.

I didn't have time to write to everybody.

Mr. Foley?

Mr. Foley, we're so sorry.

Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas, everybody. Ha, ha, ha.

Come on out.

Follow me.

That's it. Yeah. Let's sing a song.

Come on, once again.

You two look like brothers. Yes, you are.

How about sharing this big Army truck?

Okay?

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.