Normandy Is My Name

It all started

with my dad's over 30 men's soccer league.

Even though my dad's getting older,

he still thinks he can keep up with the youngsters.

I guess it's a midlife crisis kind of thing?

Every Friday night, the old men play soccer

and afterwards they get together for a few beers,

some wine, and hors d'oeuvres with the wives.

Normally they talk about who's stepping out on who

or how the economy is in the crapper,

but for whatever ill-conceived reason

on the night of May 31st,

they started talking about kids these days

and how the internet, mobile phones,

and digital revolution is fracking their brains

and turning them into zombies,

rendering them unable to personally interact with others

and engage in meaningful conversations.

In other words, they think the move from the dinosaur age

to the digital world has resulted in the largest brain drain

in the history of mankind,

rendering us kiddos void of the ability

to emotionally connect with others

and unable to cope in a face to face world

without the crutch of our beloved digital indulgences.

Anyway, when the old man and old lady get together

with some other antiques, throw back a few adult bevs,

the results of the conversation are typically harmless

and in almost every case meaningless.

Unless, of course, it happens to be May 31st.

- Used to be when you'd see a car weaving in

and out of lanes, there was a 99% chance

it was an old fart or a drunk driver.

These days it seems like it's a 90% chance

it's a teenager texting and driving.

Exactly.

My car almost got hit the other day

by a teen texting and driving.

And when I honked at him, he gave me the one finger salute

and went right back to texting and driving.

- You know, my kids can even hardly cross the street

without texting or looking at their cell phones.

I mean, they're oblivious

to everything going on around them.

Last week, Francois almost got hit by a car

while he was crossing the street.

You know, I read an article recently

that talked about college kids having a hard time

getting jobs and the interview process

because they can't make eye contact.

They're so used to using their phones to communicate,

they just forgot how to do this sort of in person stuff.

And you know, the same article talked

about how they can't remember seven numbers either.

- I still remember my phone number from grade school.

So do I.

I even remember some of my friends' numbers.

Look here, I still remember the number

of that pizza place we used to prank every other week.

- Yeah, back in the days before caller ID, we had some fun.

I mean, you could prank anyone without repercussions.

I heard the most terrible thing

about Sally Staffordson's daughter.

Evidently her boyfriend, all of three months,

asked her to text him a nude photo of herself.

And this boy said it would be for his eyes only.

- Tell me she did not send him a nude photo.

Yes, she did.

Oh god.

- He then texted it on to all of his friends,

who texted it on to all of their friends,

and now you have this photo making its way around,

I mean, who knows, the world?

I remember as a teenager,

the only way that I could see a pair of boobs was

to sneak a peek at my dad's Playboy magazine

when he was out of town.

Or, on a very rare occasion,

the Mrs. Robinson of our neighborhood

would leave the lights on and the curtains up.

Yeah.

Main engine.

Solid rocket boosters, ignite.

We have liftoff.

That was the best part of my youth.

- Yeah, but you know, there's always the lingerie section

of the JC Penney catalog.

- Well, you all know he's out there looking

for a Little Bo Peep outfit for himself.

All right, anyway, the point is

when we wanted to see some boobies when we were teenagers,

we had to work at it.

Whereas today on the internet they hold nothing back.

I mean, if you wanted to see Doug

in his Little Bo Peep outfit doing a whole bunch

of unnamely things with a whole bunch of unnamely people,

well, you could certainly find it.

- I'm worried about the next generation's social skills.

Or lack thereof.

- Kids today ask each other out by texting,

break up by texting.

The majority of their communication is done by texting.

- Can you just imagine an entire generation

with limited or underdeveloped social skills?

- It's really quite sad when you think about it.

- Why don't we just take their phones away from them?

- And the internet. - And their video games.

That'll go over like a lead balloon.

I'm not saying take it away forever.

But maybe for a month.

- Yeah, like a 30 day respite from, say, all electronics.

So it's like a digital detox of sorts.

- The only way this works is if we're all on board.

We need to be a united force.

If any of us waver,

then this whole digital detox is gonna blow up

and it will be a complete waste of time.

I have no problem taking the internet

and electronics away from Buford.

So are we really gonna do this?

Roy and Chandra, are you in?

If Doug and Petra are in, then we're in.

Yeah, we're in.

But maybe we oughta show a sign of solidarity

and do this, have a family get-together,

maybe after the men's soccer games the next four weeks?

Yeah, we could all take turns hosting

and bring all the kids so they don't feel

like they're going through it alone.

You know, I mean, they might even learn some social skills.

I like that.

Let's make the kids go to both the soccer games

and the afterparty.

- Well, yeah, 'cause we only got four weeks left

in the soccer season anyway, so.

All right, let's do it.

That just leaves Steve and Marci.

We're in.

All right.

30 days.

Okay, so at this point,

I majorly hate the antiques.

My life is ruined at the tender age of 16.

I've been hobbled by my own parents.

Seriously, what am I supposed to do for the next 30 days?

Oh god, I can just imagine my life now.

Are you selling lemonade?

Kind of.

How much is it?

- Well, you see, I'm not really selling it for money,

I'm more bartering for it.

Bartering for what?

- Well, you see, I'll give you and your kiddos

as much lemonade as you want if you, say,

let me use your cell phone for a bit?

Oh, you need to make a call.

Yeah, that'd be great

if I had all my friends' phone numbers memorized,

but who does that?

So I was thinking maybe I could just play Candy Crush

or Flappy Bird for a while,

or you know, maybe take selfie, that'd be good too.

- Why I would I want a picture of your selfie on my phone?

- Well, I just haven't taken one in a while

and maybe I'm having withdrawal pains or something.

Please, won't you help me?

I'm sorry, we can't help you.

Candy Crush?

I'm sorry.

Flappy Bird?

Not today.

Is this really happening?

The old man and old lady have gone off the deep end

without their floaties.

Maybe if I make their lives miserable enough,

they'll undo this misdeed?

You know we love you

but if you try to make our lives miserable

in any way, shape, or form,

I'm gonna be adding 30 days

to this little digital-free journey of yours.

All right then.

Can someone please pull out the wooden stake

that Daddy just drove into my precious and innocent heart?

Nothing good can come of this.

I can only imagine how the others are going to take it.

I don't even hang with any of them.

You got the jock, Buford,

who seems to be every bit of an athletic supporter.

The cheerleader, Olivia,

who has said exactly two words to me since freshman year.

The rocker, Bentley, who clearly lives in a different world

than the rest of us.

And the French kid, Francois,