Ballers

Look, you've got a lot of choices to make,

and I could help you with those.

I got some for you. Careful with my moms.

I do like making money.

Let's start by giving me a better channel.

It doesn't really matter where your house is located,

if nobody will come visit.

What? You callin' me old?

You are old. No disrespect.

Talkin' about winnin' ain't enough?

The hell you mean, winnin' ain't enough?

It's La La Land. All I'm saying is,

you have to learn to be a showman, Charles.

Joe, I'm willing to give you 75 cents on the dollar,

buy my company back.

I got a plan.

How would you like to own a piece of a network

- worth a half a billion dollars? - I'm in.

Ah, nothin' like McCarthy Quad in the springtime.

Yeah, well, if the man's gonna put me on house arrest,

might as well be here, right?

Why do I gotta pretend to study for three years

while b-ballers get to go one-and-done?

That's because the NFL doesn't want you playing in the league at this age.

So the NCAA's under the big thumb of the NFL?

More like kissin' cousins. There's no way to avoid it.

So I guess we gotta rig it in our favor.

Now you're startin' to think.

Is it gonna be like Butch and Sundance, Bonnie and Clyde?

- More like The Sting. - Huh. I never seen it.

Earth to Joe. Anybody home?

Hey. Sorry.

I just had the weirdest dream last night.

Did you dream you were being chased

by giant mini-horses again?

Please, tell me all about it.

No. I dreamt that our business cratered.

Yeah.

Hit dead center by this massive intergalactic meteor

- made of space trash. - That wasn't a dream.

And the meteor was a wrecking ball named Lance.

But that got me combing through our remaining roster

looking for some inspiration,

and I came across these hood rats.

Illegal Civ?

They're actually kind of charming.

Until that dude that looks like a chick pukes on the cop's shoes.

Charming's not usually a word associated with them.

More like... an acquired taste.

Like wine.

Necessity breeds invention, my young friend.

- Joe! - That's why I came in here.

- Reggie's on his way. - Reggie!

Hey!

My man. Good to see you.

I was just thinking about you.

Uh-oh. See, we play this game sometimes:

Guess What Face Reggie's Making.

Let me guess. You're in intense pain.

Sizzle and Vern are fuckin' pissed off.

They got 10 mil sunk in this shitbox,

and they blaming me because I told 'em

it was a good idea to bet on yo' ass.

And I thank you for the vote of confidence.

Man, fuck you.

They sent me here to get shit straightened out--

run the numbers, if you know what I mean.

You're a little skinny to be an enforcer.

Uh-oh.

Oh! Ha!

Affirmative action is alive and well here.

- White girl comedy. - Yeah.

She should be on Def Jam.

- Not funny. - Ohh...

Sizzle says if he loses capital,

he's breakin' fingers, then legs.

So why don't you tell me what the fuck is going on around here?

Everything's under control here.

Doesn't look like it.

Looks like you ain't slept in weeks.

Actually, I got something big.

You're gonna like this.

Since you're an expert on all things urban,

feast those pretty brown eyes

on these idiots.

Odd Future's ratty half-brothers?

I'm telling you, these guys have something.

I've been around superstars enough to know

what the "it" factor looks and smells like.

They're raw. They have an authenticity.

And they have a merry band of expanding followers

all between the ages of shitting in their pants and studying for midterms.

- I like it. - I like it too.

Jesse, where do we find the future?

You ready for this?

Ready for what?

Another meet-and-greet with a bunch of dudes wearing windbreakers?

OK, that's good. Keep your expectations low,

you'll never be disappointed.

I wish that were the case. They still disappoint.

Whatever it is we're about to walk into doesn't really matter to me.

As long as the money's there, I'll make it work.

Quinc-y Craw-ford!

Quinc-y Craw-ford!

Quinc-y Craw-ford!

Wow. Even by my standards, this is big, Coach.

We're SC. It comes naturally.

Coach Davis.

Damn glad to meet you, Quincy.

Nice to meet you too, Coach.

Shit, we got more. Take a look up in the sky.

Always wanted to ride one of them bad boys.

Give me three years, I'll teach you how to fly 'em yourself.

Say hello to two-time Outland Trophy winner Jono Harvey.

- He's gonna show you around. - Yo, man.

I'll see you guys around. Coach, shall we?

Yeah.

So, Mr. Money Manager's playing the long game.

The game I'm in now is much bigger than just repping players.

Besides, I'll never compromise you like that.

So, Q's family?

Yeah. His mom and I are dating-ish,

Well, tell Mom she produced a hell of an offspring.

I will tell her a legend loves her work.

Now just lay it on me. Why the house call?

I want the Trojan's TV rights.

That conference deal was a bust,

and I want to build you guys your own TV network.

You're not the first to approach us.

But I am the only one chaperoning Q.

Why not walk your ass over and hit the higher-ups? Go direct?

Because you won four Rose Bowls and I went to Miami.

I thought you said you weren't gonna compromise me.

I'm not gonna compromise you--

I'm gonna compromise them.

Damn, son, look at you.

Didn't expect to land in Cali and see you in mid-season form.

- Shit. - Dr. Larson's right on point.

With all these supplements, I'm starting to feel

the bounce coming back, baby.

It's helping your personality, too.

You're a much more pleasant person.

Shut the fuck up, man. Fix my vitamins.

I thought you was done with the game.

I mean, retirement was the best decision you made.

Dennis, for most people, when you leave a gang of messages for somebody

askin' to visit and they don't respond,

that means "Stay your ass in Miami."

Yeah, but most people who don't respond

didn't come to the world via my motherfuckin' nutsack.

Oh! Come on, we don't need the image of your sweaty old,

saggy-ass ball-sack, Dennis.

- You forgot to say "big," baby. - All right.

You might not want to put the shark cartilage with the calcium.

That shit'll give you IBS.

That's the least of his problems if he gonna keep playin'

till he turn into a bumper sticker.

I never claimed to be the smartest, Dennis, just the most committed.

Did you do that down-low detective work,

see if Charles still stays at the same spot?

Of course he does. Nobody's leaving

with all those hot-ass MILFs roaming around.

Why you gotta be all chauvinistic?

You act like it's an infestation of zombies.

'Cause it is-- just beautiful ones.

You got a point. Maybe I'll come.

Nobody needs to see you or your gray-ass balls, man.

Fuck both of y'all.

End around! End around!

Practice field is state-of-the-art,

we got the best turf money can buy.

As you know, we play all of our games on natural grass--

way easier on the knees.

Yeah, I've seen your work. You got good hands.

- And better feet. - Thanks, bud.

I heard you were quite the student of the game.

Look at this. Isn't it awesome?

Makes my dick so hard nearly tears a hole right through my pants. Ha!

Q likes to focus on flexibility.

We have the Iron Man gravity machine for that.

Then we hop in the Himalayan Salt Sauna--

sweats out all your toxins.

Just like in Tibet.

Geography thing, big man.

We got the best grub, too.

There's this pizza place that they serve late-night,

and if you wear your hoodie,

they even let players eat for free.

In my world, you wear a hoodie late-night

you get shot or choked out.

Hey, how are the classes?

Thankfully, I wouldn't know.

We have 24-hour access to tutors,

they pretty much cover everything.

Papers, presentations, shit like that.

Not quite the answer I was looking for,

but it's all right.

We'll catch up with you later.

Could you hurry up and decide already?

We've been here for 15 minutes.