It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Come on. Just one more race.

- Every time we race, you lose. - You always lose.

One more race, and then we'll go to the strip club.

All right. Three, two, one.

- Goddamn it! - What is wrong with you?

- Super slow drinker over here. - Do you have, like, a little throat or something?

- Dennis. We gotta get out of here now. - Why?

I just got off the phone with Dad. He wants to stop by and talk to us.

- What does Dad want? - I don't know! Let's go before we have to deal with this!

Let's get out of here before you guys get around your father.

Let's just take care of one more... Don't... Don't be grabby.

Okay. Dennis, I need to borrow $20.

- What, dude? - Just give me some money, man.

- How come you don't ever have any money? - Dee? Moneys?

- No way. - What are you gonna do at the strip club with...

- Will you just get in the car! - No, no!

It sucks for me, 'cause you guys get all the girls and the attention!

My dad's gonna be here in a second! Will you get in the car!

- No! I'm going home! I'm going home. - Oh!

- Can we go? Please! - Yeah, we can go. We can go.

- Dennis! - Oh, Jesus!

Dennis, no!

Dennis, you son of a bitch!

What the hell is wrong with you, Dad?

Why would you come sneaking around the bar in the middle of the night?

You don't snoop and sneak and appear in front of cars and start yelling names!

- No! - I had something very important to tell you.

Really? What could be so important it couldn't wait till the morning?

There's nothing more important than the fact that we just hit our friend with a car.

Oh, yeah? Try this on for size. Your mother's dead.

- No. - What?

Oh, my God!

No, she's not dead. We're gettin' divorced though.

- Why... - Why...

- What... - What...

- Why would you say that she's dead? - That's a business tactic.

You drop the bomb, then you soften the blow. You never tried this?

- That is a terrible business tactic! - You are a horrible father.

That's what I came to talk to you about.

I hate the kind of person that your whore mother turned me into.

The big house, the big car... I'm giving it all away.

- Hmm? - Giving it away how?

For starters, I'm giving all my money to charity. Then I'm gonna hang out with you two.

That's what this is all about... spending time with my kids.

- Hold on a second. - I wanna be the father that I never was.

- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. - Getting to know them.

- What did you say about the money? - Mm-hmm.

- I'm giving it all away. - That is a very stupid thing to do.

You're a very stupid, stupid man. Who are you gonna give it to?

I don't know. Poor people.

- Poor people? - Poor people?

What... What is your prob... Okay, where's Mom?

Mom? She's on vacation banging one of the boys she hangs out with.

- Dennis, your mother is a dirty, dirty whore. - Oh, goddamn it, Dad!

First you force me to run over my friend Charlie.

And then you start talking about Mom like she's dead.

- Now you're saying she's a dirty whore? - The money.

- You can't waltz back into our lives and be our dad again! - And the money.

- It doesn't work that way. You can't just barge in! - And the money!

And the money! My God, Dad! All of our money?

Well, that was awkward.

- Yes, it was. - Sort of a private conversation.

- Very much a family type moment. - We didn't need to hear any of that.

Not for our ears.

Wanna go to the strip club?

I don't know.

I've been manically depressed for the past couple of years.

I just feel like I need a serious change, or I'm gonna kill myself.

So when you say you're giving your money away to poor people...

do you mean, like, "Mexico" poor, or can it be, like, "me and Charlie" poor?

- Well, I haven't given that much thought. - Put some thought into that one.

- Consider that. - Yeah, man. Give that some thought.

In the meantime, you wanna get shit-faced, bro. So I tell you what.

Before we get crazy giving away our money here...

what do you say we buy a couple of pitchers...

maybe a few tequila shots, a few rounds of kamikazes.

After that, we'll hit the town, we'll tie on a serious buzz. All right, bud?

Oh, my God! You poor baby. What happened?

Uh, my best friend ran me over with his car.

Yeah.

- Oh, my God! That's terrible! - Yeah, yeah.

- Do you want a lap dance? - Oh...

- I don't have any money. - Oh!

I could give you one for free.

Really? Okay. Okay.

Oh, my God! You poor baby. What happened to you?

- His friend ran him over with a car. - That is so sad.

I know. I was gonna give him a free lap dance.

- She totally was. - I'll join you!

That's great! Do one of you girls wanna hook my boy up over here?

- He's really down in the dumps. - Okay!

- No, no, no. I don't... I don't... - Oh, come on, buddy!

- You gotta do this, man! - Embrace it. Get in the spirit.

This is gonna cheer you up.

Well, maybe just one.

All right, Frank! See? That's the spirit that beat theJapanese!

God. Stupid Dad! Never gave me a goddamn thing.

Give his shit to poor people. Poor people?

Ooh! Ooh!

Oh! Oh.

Dee, you scared the shit out of me. What are you doing?

Same thing you're doing, Dennis. I'm not letting Dad give all this shit to poor people.

I got here first though. I'm taking the plasma TV and the fish tank.

- How come you get to pick and choose? - It's not that.

I'm a man and I'm strong. I can carry heavy things.

You're a woman. You're weak, and you can't.

- You're a woman and you're weak. - That doesn't make any sense.

- You don't make any sense. - Great. I'll tell you what.

Um, I'm gonna take all the stuff that I want and load it into my enormous S. U. V...

and you can grab some trinkets or whatever and throw it in your tiny little car.

All right, look. We don't need to be doing this, okay?

You're my brother. We're... We're in this thing together.

We don't need to make this a competition.

Yeah.

You're right. A competition. That's a good idea. I'll make you a deal.

Whatever your feeble little arms can carry out of here, you can keep.

And the rest is mine.

God, I hate you so bad!

- Okay, you ready? - Yeah!

On your mark! Get set! Go!

- Go, go, go! - Go, horsey!

Come on! Come on!

No! Wait a second! Charlie, you hit me!

- You hit me, Charlie! - So what? So what?

- You are fast. - I was winning anyway.

This one's too heavy! This one's too heavy!

- You are freakishly fast! - Thanks.

Charlie, you got any booze in here?

Yeah, yeah. Check under my bed or under one of my pillows.

Hey, guys, I can't thank you enough.

I feel so much better. So much.

Yeah, man. Hey, you look great. Make yourself at home.

- Charlie, we gotta get him out of here. - What? Why, dude?

Because there's two of them and three of us!

Have a heart. The guy's going through a divorce.

- Since when do you give a shit about people? - Well, you know.

Maybe you should be the one that leaves, okay?

Don't you roll away when I'm talking to you.

- I am the reason the girls are here in the first place. - That is bullshit!

- Do not ruin this! Do not ruin this for me! - I'm not ruining anything!

Whoa! What are you guys fighting about?

Nothing, man. We're just having a...

Well, take it out in the hall. You're ruining the vibe.

- Okay. We'll go out in the hall. Watch my... Watch my... - Shut up!

Easy. Easy! Your behavior is unbelievable, man.

- All right. How are we gonna do this? - Okay.

- Uh, let's flip a coin. The loser leaves. - Great.

- Okay, get a coin. - I don't have a coin.

- Why don't you... - Give me a coin. You have a coin?

- Of course I don't have a coin. - All right.

- Let's flip something else. - All right. Um...

- Something in the hallway, like a feather. - Flip that, uh, piece of wood?

- That's not gonna work. - What about something off the chair?

Yeah. Maybe we'll just break something off the chair.

Break something... Don't... Don't break it too much.

- No, that's not gonna work. - It's a rental, dude.

- You know what? Frank's got money. Let's ask him. - All right.

- It's locked. - No. You gotta push it hard 'cause it sticks.

- I'm telling you, it's locked. - Bang again!

- Frank! - Frank, open the door, dude!

- Hey. - Oh.

You guys need to give me about 45 minutes in here, okay?

Here. Hey, Charlie, here's five dollars.

Go down to Wawa, pick me up a couple of sodas.

I got a feeling I'll be pretty thirsty after this.

Yeah. Hey...

Oh...

Son of a bitch.

Over the line. Over the line!

- I'm... I'm on the line. - On the line is over the line. Get your foot on your side.

Which side? This one? Is this the side?

- No. - This the side you're talking about?

Get... All right. You know what? Oh, what is this?

Do you recognize this lamp?

- Where'd you get that? - I think this is the lamp Dad got you in China.

- Give it back to me. - As I recall, yeah.

- Give me my lamp back. - Must have gotten this out of your room.

- Well, it's mine. - Let me put it on your side for you.

- You s... - Oh, that is a shame.

- No, that's fine. I don't care. - It slipped.

Yeah. By the way, I wanted to show you something...

my feeble little arms were able to carry.

By all means.

- Mr. Tibbs. - Oh, is that it?

Is that Mr. Tib... Is that what they call you? They call you Mr. Tibbs?

- What do they call you now? - Whatever.

I don't care.

Hey-o!

What's up, bitches?

- What? - Dennis, you would not believe how great this thing is.

People give you free shit, and women treat you like a puppy they found out on the street.

- Really? - Yeah. Dude, I was thinking.

You pick up one of these bad boys, we head down to the mall.

There's a ton of talent down there. We've been looking for a new angle.

- That does sound like fun. - Yeah. Yeah, that'll work.

Oh, I'm sorry, Dee. We're putting ourselves into the shoes of the unfortunate...

see what their world's like, maybe gain a little perspective.

- What do you do? - I don't take advantage of people.

- Oh! - Look at Sweet Dee sitting on her cloud of judgment...

handing down life lessons to all the sinners.