Bergerac

All I'm saying is it's not what I expected.

YOU wanted to go to Scarborough. I LIKE Scarborough.

We go there every year.

What's wrong with Scarborough?

You don't get views like that.

Or like that, either. What?

Good God, look at that!

No, DON'T look. He's got no clothes on!

I said, don't look! They don't show anything like this in brochures.

It's disgusting. Nice-looking fellow.

I'm going to complain, that's what!

'Which service do you require?'

The police. Urgent!

Excuse me, sir?

Excuse me, sir.

Yes, officer? Haven't we forgotten something?

Do you know, I'm rather afraid we have.

I really do feel most peculiar.

Draughts in unaccustomed places? I don't know where to begin.

Perhaps our trousers might be a good place, sir.

Good Lord!

Now I really don't know where to begin.

I'm not sure he IS ours. How can you be sure he's not local?

He hadn't got the State's crest tattooed on his bum.

Nobody's had time to report him missing. Your Governor's cleared it with my Governor? Terrific

The great and good sorted it out?

Where is he? The interview room.

Do you want me to handle it? No. I'm doing perverts in my course.

You've divined he's a pervert? A basic exhibitionist with a better than average excuse... You'll see.

I hope not, I've had enough excitement for one day. We gave him clothes. I'm surprised you had time.

Peggy, are you all right? Yes, I'm fine.

Are you sure? Yes, really, Jim. I'm fine.

She seems to be coping, considering. Shock's an unpredictable thing.

Takes different people different ways.

Right, I'm Detective Sergeant Bergerac, and we don't know who you are, do we?

So, what's the story, eh? Loss of memory, is it?

Sergeant, I don't remember anything.

Nothing at all... until your colleague there... what is that colourful phrase?

Felt your collar?

Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Yes. All right, you two, you can go.

Come on, Harry.

Where do we go from here?

Ahoy, the Bluebelle. Anyone aboard?

Hmm. Can't say I'm frightfully impressed.

He WAS highly recommended. You said.

Clever and anxious to please.

Like a valet or a gun dog. But they are not what we need at the moment.

Hello?

Anyone there? Hi!

Hello. Welcome to Guernsey, Miss Young. Is that official?

It IS Miss Belle Young? In all the years I've been coming, I've never had an official welcome!

Martin Jebourg. What are you, a politician?

You're wasting your charm on me, love.

Ah, a lawyer. Definitely wasting your charm.

Have a good trip from Alderney? Alderney?

That IS where you've come from? What do you want, Mr Gerbils?

I'd like to discuss a small business proposition. Can I board?

I'm working on the engines just now.

£5,000?

I'm listening.

A charter. You do charter, don't you? Of course. I'll come to your office.

It has to be settled now, or you can forget it. Can you afford to forget that kind of money?

You don't think all this is taking too long, do you? >

It's too late to change your mind. I haven't.

This elaborate route was your idea, no? You said you had the contacts.

I don't hire her out on her own. No, we'd want you to sail her.

Where to?

Nothing complicated.

Five thousand might buy a certain amount of complications.

When I say "nothing complicated", I mean nothing that will overstretch your resources.

Are you sure you're not a politician?

Why don't you get to the point?

A trip to France, any part of the coast.

All we ask is that... shall we say, it's not overlooked?

And that it's possible to land without... Being overlooked.

What exactly would be the cargo? I assume there would be a cargo?

That I can't say, but at this price, does it matter?

Yes, it does.

Well, I can increase the offer

to 10,000, but that is all.

And that is all I want to know. Get OFF my boat.

Five thousand.

In advance.

In cash.

Get off my boat, RIGHT NOW.

What's the problem, Miss Young?

No problem, just get the hell off my boat!

We are well aware of your smuggling activities, Miss Young. Are we

Pity if the authorities got to know. I've been cleared by Customs.

They didn't come aboard and check. You've got some stuff in there, haven't you?

I've asked you politely to get off my boat. You'll do exactly what we ask, whether you like it or not.

You don't have any choice, actually.

Wrong, actually...!

All ashore who's going ashore!

And stay off my boat! Stupid woman.

I don't carry drugs,

even if you people have all the money in the world.

You're in trouble.

He could be right.

That was really stupid, Belle. That was a dumb-Belle.

Now, my little darlings, how can you go with filters like that?

Hey! Over here.

She's ideal. One of those loved creatures - an English eccentric.

We don't want any discernible trail left to follow.

A series of dead ends. You DO see that, Martin?

Trust me. Our problem is that WE don't understand what you're doing.

She'll make the trip and she'll do it right.

The Customs' people know she runs a little contraband. Most of the time they ignore her.

So if they DO notice, they'll think that's what she's carrying? Right.

So, how are you going to persuade her?

I'll use the forces of law and order. That's the sort of attention we came for!

I won't draw attention to you. She'll call me. From a police cell?

She'll agree my terms and I'll call off the authorities. And YOU won't be involved!

Time is running against us, Martin!

Once the situation becomes public, the chase is on.

It'll be plain sailing.

I hope so.

There's nothing, Jim. No ID or personal effects.

Right, gents, back to the office. Crozier's on an economy drive.

Go on! If he kicks mine I'm going to kick yours.

Very expensive gear, this.

No labels at all? No, not even in the shoes.

It's exclusive, made-to-measure. The maker could probably identify it right away.

Get yourself back to the office, and TRY and look busy.

So who doesn't want him identified?

It could be faked. When was the last morning-after you pretended not to remember the night before?

I got to the stage of not having to pretend. I'd forgotten that.

You reckon this guy's a burned-out drunk? There's no sign of that. There's no sign of anything.

No blows on the head. No, I think we can rule out traumatic amnesia.

So what then? IS he faking?

Look, I have told you, I don't think he is.

I think it's a sort of hysterical amnesia. Blanked out something he doesn't want to remember.

Sounds a bit glib to me. What? Why did he take all his clothes off and hide them? It isn't unheard of.

At crude level it's an act of rejection, just like the amnesia.

And cruder still, it's an act of indecency, like the crime. You're getting cynical, Sergeant.

Remember Wilde's definition of a cynic? One who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Like to hazard a guess at the price of his clothes? More than you and I make in the average month, I'd say.

It's odd, though, because you wouldn't expect someone who dresses like that to dye his hair.

What do you think?

They fit well enough, so I can only assume they are, as you say, my clothes.

But they do nothing for your memory? No.

Why is there nothing in the pockets? We found them that way.

No labels on anything. No, sir, now isn't that strange?

Yes. I haven't lost my mind, Sergeant...

..only my memory.

Memories are the worst, but they do fade. Here, take this.

I know everyone says it, but I've been through it, and time DOES help.

The memories become kinder, easier to live with, Peggy - may I call you Peggy? Of course.

Call me Charlie. All my friends do. It's at times like this you need friends, eh? You're very kind.

Come on, now, drink your tea up.

Is he in, Peggy? Hello, Charlie.

Are you all right?

There you are. How are you, Peggy?

- Fine, sir. - Good. Tea fresh?

Yes, Mr...

Charlie... just made it.

That's the most positive contribution someone on the Law and Order Committee has made. Hey!

Just because my committee raised the question of the effective use of police manpower.

You started another cheap political campaign. Taxpayers have a right to know how their money is used.

We're talking about verifiable value for money. We're so busy verifying we're not doing any work.

How's the memory man? The doctor thinks he's a genuine amnesiac.

We just try to assist! Anyway, I won't bother with my business. You're busy.

I am a little short of man-hours. But one thing. I know it's the secretary that runs any office,

but to make that poor woman work a full day...

Peggy feels she wants everything to be as normal as possible.

You mean it was... her idea?

The doctor reckons the "normal" approach might help our man, too.

Do we know what's normal for him? Only the best. He has expensive tastes.

Top class hotel? Hardly effective use of our resources. "Verifiable value for money."

Charlie!

Charlie! Hmm? Charlie, now you did say you wanted to assist us, didn't you?

I don't mind having folk to stay, but I like to know who they are.

At least, I like THEM to know who they are. I appreciate your help.

Mind, Deborah won't be pleased. When has Debs objected to having a man about?

Whereas you, of course, were always a model husband and father.

It wasn't intended as a criticism.

Never cared enough to criticise, did you?

Why should she object? She's been in a funny mood lately.

When's she due back? Any time. I'll go then.

You really have the most delightful place here, Charles. We like it.

If anything should occur, sir. Leaving so soon? If you know trouble is on the way, it's best to leave.

Bye.

Coffee, Mr...? Oh, sorry.

Come on.

Don't you let your Belle down now.

Miss Young.

Oh.

Come ON. COME ON.

Miss Young!

Miss Young!

He could be doing a runner.

From what? There are no outstanding warrants that anyone reckons might fit him. As yet.

His fingerprints? Still waiting.

That's our best bet - and cheapest.

No ID, no labels, he's got dyed hair.

He's gone to a lot of trouble to conceal his identity. Too much!

There's got to be a reason. How many of those are we copying? Two hundred. Watch the expense.

Routine all stations alert, sir, from Guernsey. Hope they reversed the charges.

"Miss Belle Young, owner of motor yacht Bluebelle, wanted for assault and minor customs violations."