Californication - Third Season

previously on californication...

- i'd like to introduce you to richard bates, the writer.

big fan.

- who wants to see me tuck and do the pee pee dance?

- -

whoa!

- we're really gonna do this, sell the place?

- isn't that what we want? - yeah, sure. i guess.

- i just want to be done with it already.

I want to sell this fucking house

And get on with the rest of my life.

- so what, you're saying just pack up and leave l.a.?

The three of us move back to new york together?

- yeah, end of the semester, whatever.

- so which one are you sleeping with?

excuse me?

- my bets are on the young, voluptuous student.

this is so not fair.

- i'm in love with you, hank moody.

ho--

- i've never stepped outside of my marriage before.

Please, go.

Oh.

- oh, something must be different.

Oh, that's right. you fucked my wife.

well, there's that.

- what does that mean? - it's not my fault.

- you didn't tell her? - tell me what?

- becca's father and i had a slight indiscretion.

- she's got to be kidding me, right?

I don't want to hear about felicia and her midlife crisis.

- wait, who else has he been fucking?

- you're a goddamn girl whisperer.

okay.

- i can't believe you slept with all of them.

- will you live? - i'm trying.

- well, that's all anybody can ask for.

Oh, hey, check this out.

Yeah.

Lordy bagordy, we made some fucking love, woman.

they should put us in the joy of sex--

A nice little pencil sketch of us doing it.

We're that good.

- who are you right now?

- i'm not sensing the same level of enthusiasm.

- oh, no. i--it was good.

- come to think of it, you weren't quite as vocal

As you normally are.

I mean, you've never been a screamer per se,

But i can always count on you for a little intense moaning.

- hank, stop it. -

- thank you. thank you for that.

A woman does love a reenactment

Of the most vulnerable moment.

oh, baby.

But you got there, right?

close.

- oh, i see what you're saying. it was, like, a tiny one.

That happens. that's understandable.

not so much.

- what? are you serious?

You mean not even a little one,

Like a micro-orgasm? - no.

- are you sure? jesus, this is upsetting.

- the truth is, hank, we've been through some--

We've been through some really hard times.

- i know that. - so--

- but we've always had our fire and our passion.

Our beautiful sex organs don't know about our problems,

And we should definitely keep them out of it.

You got to give me another chance to please you, woman.

- no. no, no, no, no.

We, we can't. it's too late.

It's not gonna work. no, there's too much pressure.

Ah! no, no, no. anyway, we have plans.

- it's saturday. i can do this all day.

felicia.

- felicia. - your new friend.

- what? - yes.

- no. - she invited us for lunch.

- oh. - i know.

And i had to say yes, because-- - no, you didn't.

- god, that woman is so annoying.

She's so irritating. argh!

ooh, yeah, that's good.

Like that, only louder and deeper.

I can work with that. - no, no, no, no, it's over.

- me love you long time. - ah. it's over.

I got to go. - oh...

i got to get ready.

- all right. just give me a moment...

While i talk my testicles into descending.

Guys?

wow.

Looks like there's some kind of a book club or something.

of a sort.

Oh, dear.

- at least it won't be a dull saturday afternoon.

- welcome. hello. come in.

Oh, you shouldn't have. thank you.

- no, it is you who shouldn't have.

This is quite a surprise.

- i think pleasure is the word you were looking for.

or surprise.

- they all heard that i was having you over.

- guess the whole ya-ya sisterhood

Had to get in on it, huh?

- yeah, well, we can't let you skip town

Without a fond farewell.

- oh, yeah, our last class was very unsatisfying,

Since you didn't teach us anything.

- karen? this is jill.

She was hank's teaching assistant this semester,

And that's jackie.

- hey, jackie. we--we met in class, right?

- we were all there-- - in a way.

- why--why don't i come with you guys?

We can hang out, try on some lip gloss,

You know, sparkly?

you made your bed.

- yeah, and now you're gonna have to lie in it.

Have fun, hank.

wake the fuck up, runkle.

open house time.

You know the house won't sell

If we're within five miles of it.

- give me ten minutes, ten minutes.

Come on! we got to jet.

Buyers can smell our impending divorce

From the freeway.

- coming! i'm coming.

- oh, my god. oh, my god. oh, my god.

- oh, god, you really are coming. barf.

i told you.

And i told you.

She never fucking listens, am i right?

hi.

Um, you must be marcy. i'm--

- getting your pants and getting the fuck out of my house.

Now, please. thank you.

There's a good girl. off you go.

Yeah.

- i'll call you. -

Really? the floor, that's your move?

- you said not to mess up the bed

If we're showing the house.

christ, runkle!

- oh, i'm sorry she's not a coke-snorting teen idol

Or a big black rapist.

Not everyone can have class up the ass.

no ass, just class.

oh, my god.

I could take the stubbornness, really i could,

And the substance abuse and the lateness

And the "cooler than school and all the rest of us

Ne'er do well" attitude,

But the thing that absolutely got me

Was the unwarranted advice about my biological clock.

- oh, but, you know, he's fully qualified to do that,

Because he has such a deep understanding

Of womanhood.

- shouldn't you be defending me? - yes!

- you, talking up my good points?

well, yeah, i will later.

Right now i'm really enjoying

This kind of appraisal of your little idiosyncrasies,

You know, the things that i have grown to know

And love about you.

- yeah, well, the cracks-- that's how the light gets in.

more pimm's, anyone?

oh, yeah, hit me with that.

You know, it's not an act-- this whole thing.

I'm--i'm very sensitive to the pain and suffering of women.

I listen to them. i'm aware of that shit.

- okay, yeah, that's true. - yeah, thank you.

- in his defense, i must say that he paid me

Tons of special attention in class.

not special.

- no, jackie. he did not.

- jackie's writing's actually very good.

I-i read some of her short stories, darling.

- you have. - yeah, sure i have.

I had to write her a recommendation

To the graduate writing program.

She couldn't very well ask you.

- hey, when is luncheon gonna be served?

That's why we're here, right?

And i'm curious.

I want to know how it's different from actual lunch.

- well, we have one last guest, who's a late arrival.

Oh, here's the latecomer now.

- it's not a lady. please say not a lady.

- mm... - oh, my--

Is that richard bates?

- yeah, richard bates, crack the sky, you know him?

- know him? - yeah.

karen, is that you?

richard.

- oh, my god, you look exactly the same.

- exactly the same as what exactly?