Frank

SIowIy!

- Hi, sweetheart. - Oh. Hi.

Just in time. I made a casseroIe.

No, thanks. I've got an idea for a song.

How was work?

It was good. I've just... before I forget it.

OK, idea for a song in A minor. PossibIe titIe, "Suburbia".

Down to E in the bass.

To G.

C.

Back to A.

Up there.

Oh, fuck!

That's Madness.

Fucking Madness song.

Er... But not Johnston or Harman.

'So how wouId you describe the... how wouId you describe your music?'

'Thank you for your enquiry, Anthony.'

'That's a fucking boring question.

'I wouId describe our sound as fucking happy.'

- Let him speak! - Fuck you!

Cheese and ham panini. There you go.

'Cheese and ham panini.

'Hashtag Iivin' the dream.'

'Yeah, that's him.'

'HeIIo, sir.

'TaIk to you over here, sir.'

'Look what you've made me become!'

I'm gonna do it! I mean it! This is your fauIt! This is aII on you!

Get out of the water.

We were at this radio station. He and CIara had a disagreement.

Or... I don't know, I guess a physicaI fight.

You're the S... You're pIaying tonight.

How? Our keyboardist is trying to drown himseIf.

I pIay keyboards.

She's wanted this from the start!

No, no. I wasn't... that wasn't a...

Red hair. OK.

You pIay C, F and G?

- Yeah. - You're in.

ReaIIy?

So what shaII we do now? ShaII we run through the songs?

Stage door, 9:00pm tonight.

OK. Let me give you my number.

- Is he gonna be OK? - He'II be fine.

He'II stiII need to spend the night in hospitaI, though?

He's swaIIowed a Iot of sea water. He'II have to have his stomach pumped.

HeIIo?

What happened? You just stopped pIaying.

What the fuck is wrong with you? You stopped pIaying?

BuIIshit!

This is just buIIshit! Fucking buIIshit!

It's OK, come on.

Start up the car.

HeIIo?

'Lucas has been sectioned and we need a new keyboard pIayer.

'Frank said, "Remember that gratefuI-Iooking boy

who jumped on stage Iast week uninvited?"'

I wasn't uninvited.

'Frank said he thought you brought something cherishabIe that night.

'But he can sound reaIIy muffled under the head,

'so I thought he said you brought something perishabIe.

'You know, Iike food that decays easiIy. Like fish or fruit.'

'So I said, "Come on, man, anybody can do that."

'So anyways, we're doing this reaIIy major thing over in IreIand. You in?'

Yes.

'CIacket Lane Services, M25, 5:00pm today.'

'You wouId not beIieve what's happening to me right now.

'Hashtag through the Iooking gIass.'

HeIIo.

I wasn't sure where to wait. CIacket Lane's pretty Iabyrinthine, isn't it?

I was gonna stand by the Bank of ScotIand CashIine.

Next to the RAC membership staII there.

But, er, I thought I'd be more visibIe on the approach.

So I just decided to come straight... HeIIo. Oh.

- Frank, scoot over. - Hi, everybody.

I was just saying to Don that I didn't know where to stand,

cos I thought that you might not see me, so, erm...

- I have a certificate. - This way.

It's an officiaI medicaI document. Certificate.

You'II note the officiaI stamp.

It's aII IegaI and above board.

So, what do you think of Frank?

Light me.

- Erm... - Fucking amazing, isn't he?

Frank, you're on fire.

He Iives aII the way out there, man. In the furthest corners.

Fuck, I wanna be Frank.

- Don. - Yeah?

The head. SmeIIs Iike sausages.

He never takes it off.

- Never? - No, never.

- He sIeeps in it? - Yep.

What about eating?

He sucks Iiquid food through a straw that he funneIs up under the neckIine.

OccasionaIIy soIids, but it's not encouraged.

- What kind of Iiquid food? - Grownut. It's Iike a suppIement.

- He must have a very bushy beard. - Not necessariIy.

How does he cIean his teeth?

Look, Jon, you're just gonna have to go with this.

OK.

Sorry, it's just... it's pretty crazy, isn't it?

I know, I know. I understand.

But Iet me teII you something.

Frank, with aII his issues, is without a doubt

the most 1 00-percent sanest cat I've ever met.

- OK. - Me, on the other hand...

- You seem pretty sane to me. - Yeah.

But, no, no, I spent a Iot of time in a psychiatric hospitaI.

I was IabeIIed as severeIy mentaIIy iII.

I used to fuck mannequins.

- Right. - It's a condition.

Here we go.

'WeIcome to IreIand. Remember to drive on the Ieft.'

Wakey-wakey, eggs and bakey.

And everybody out.

WeIcome to Vetno.

Our new home.

Don?

- Don! - AIright.

- You Iike? - ImpuIse response.

- OK, peopIe. - Excuse me.

How Iong wiII we be staying here for?

Rhythm section shaII be housed in here. Ah, bunks.

It is.

Frank. The master bedroom for you.

Had it customised for aII your requirements.

These are the bathing accommodations.

We'II have productive seasons here.

- And, CIara, your Iiving quarters. - Don!

Nice panoramic view of the Iake here.

And, Jon, you and I are just through here.

- Don. - Yeah, buddy?

Don. Sorry. I actuaIIy toId work that I'd be back on Monday.

- So I was just wondering... - Why the fuck wouId you do that?

I thought it was just a gig,

so I've onIy brought one pair of pants and a T-shirt.

I'II be staying right here in the green traiIer.

So if you need anything at night, you know, sugar, miIk,

if you freak out,

you just come a-knocking.

WeII, come on, chop chop.

- That's aIpine cedar. Nice. - Don.

- Yeah? - How Iong are we staying here?

Just as Iong as it takes to record the aIbum, Jon.

'Vetno, IreIand.

'After severaI days of what Frank caIIs fieIdwork,

'rehearsaIs proper have begun.'

'I'm settIing into my new Iife

'and graduaIIy getting to know my feIIow band members.'

Wow, this is beautifuI. What do you caII it?

Stay away from my fucking Theremin.

'A few teething probIems, as you wouId expect,

'but beginning to feeI Iike one of the gang.'

So... I do not know why Frank asked you to join the group...

but I'm not at aII convinced.

You disgust me.

'At Vetno, there's aIready a paIpabIe sense of free expression

'and I can't wait to dive into the creative maeIstrom.'

OK, everybody. Next time round go to G minor. OK?

One, two, three, four.

Fucking major. Major!

'But of course, I shaII have to earn my pIace in the band.

'At the heart of it aII is Frank.

'How to describe Frank?

'MostIy he seems friendIy. Though sometimes a IittIe intense.'

- It'II be worth it! - Stop, Frank!

It'II be worth it!

'He can hide himseIf away for days at a time.

'What goes on inside that head... inside that head?'

Yes, it's Iike an aviary.

You're birds. Baraque.

You're a cormorant.

Nana, moorhen.

CIara, the owI. Night hunter. SiIent kiIIer.

What have we got here?

Lay an egg for me, IittIe ginger bird. Lay an egg.