Columbo

Who is it?

You're not intimidated?

Come on, Ken. Are you forgetting that...

...I'm one half of the world's greatest mystery writing team.

You don't have gloves on.

Your finger's not on the trigger and there are no bullets in the cylinder.

You're right. I'm a lousy practical joker.

What are you doing here with that thing anyway?

I was on my way down to the cabin,

I thought I could use it for protection down there.

I also came by to apologize.

For what?

For blowing my cork the other day. I got out of line.

Forget it. That happens.

No, it shouldn't happen. Not between you and me.

So, believe it or not, sir... this is a peace pipe.

Bottoms up, Jim.

In the middle of the morning?

Oh, come on, relax. It's Saturday.

In the mystery writer's soul, it is always the middle of the night.

A toast! Dear sir.

I give you...

...our divorce.

Well...it's not really a divorce.

Oh, sure it is. Come on, let's be honest. I mean, it...

it's no alimony but it's a termination.

Oh yes, and our dear little children.

All fifteen of them.

Fifty million copies.

To the lady who made it all possible,

the greatest sleuth in the world Mrs.Melville.

Whom we brought to life and now we're about to bury.

Come on, Ken. You're making me feel guilty.

All I want to do is write on my own.

You're right. I am being selfish.

OK, my boy, my blessings. On your solo flight.

Thanks.

I appreciate it.

After all, friendship is more important than partnership, right?

Here's to our friendship.

Right.

And now sir, I'm going to kidnap you.

What?

The aforementioned cabin, which has been...

...finished for over six months now. You haven't seen it.

You're going to be my first male guest.

I can't, Ken. Not now.

Why can't you?

It's all the way down to San Diego.

Oh. It's a couple of hours' drive. I'll have you home before midnight.

Yeah... I promised Joanna I'd take her to dinner and a show.

Oh, that's easy. You pick up that phone and you say,

"Honey, I'm going to be working late at the office tonight." Come on.

As soon as we get down there, we'll uncork another bottle and we'll go fishing.

Well, I can't...

You know your trouble old buddy is?

I mean, you're afraid to unwind even for a day.

Oh no, I'm not...

Then prove it.

Come on, if you want some justification,

you're doing it as a favor for me.

At least give me a chance to bury the hatchet with some style.

You just don't drop your partner...

...and then turn down his invitation all in one week now, do you?

Actually, the timing isn't bad.

I was just finishing the final chapter.

Ah, Mrs.Melville's last case.

You know we ought to send that broad some flowers.

I made a list of the things I'd like to take from the office.

Do you want to take look at it?

I don't get it. It's a list of names.

I'm losing my mind. It's the wrong one.

I must've left the other one at the house.

Ah...I am losing my mind.

What's the matter?

I left my lighter in the office.

Do you need it?

That's my security blanket. I'll only be a minute.

And to think I had to talk you into this trip. Jim, smell that air.

How far is the cabin?

It's not far, about an hour. We have to skirt San Diego.

I'll only be a minute. I just have to get some supplies.

Do you want to hand me that book in that glove compartment?

Yeah, it's one of ours.

The boss-lady here is a big fan of ours.

I've been promising this for months. The price of fame.

You want me to come with you?

No. I'll only be a minute.

Miss La Sanka?

Anybody home?

In a minute.

Mr.Franklin.

My planets must be in the right house.

Not only that, but they're working overtime. I have a surprise for you.

Pour moi?

Pour moi.

"Prescription: Murder"

A Mrs.Melville thriller... by James Ferris and Ken Franklin.

Oh...take a look at the first page.

You signed it, you dear man... Well, Mr.Franklin.

I'd rather have the storyteller than the story.

Well I tell you what. If you play your cards right...

...and give me my grocery list, someday you may have both.

Empty promises.

Miss La Sanka.

What do you need?

Just a few things for overnight. Thanks.

Who is it this week? The blonde or the redhead?

Miss La Sanka. I'm all alone this weekend.

Except for some contemplation,

some fishing, and the refreshment of my spirit.

Could you break this for me?

I need some change for the phone. Thanks very much.

That'll do fine. Thank you.

Operator? I'd like to place a station to station call...

...to Los Angeles, the area code is 213.

Hello?

Joanna? It's Ken.

Oh, Ken.

I thought you weren't talking to us.

Oh, that's all patched up.

As a matter of fact, I left Jim at the office a few hours ago.

We signed an armistice.

Oh, that's a relief.

Joanna, I wouldn't mention it to him.

I'm sure he'd like to surprise you himself.

Why don't you join us for dinner and we'll celebrate?

I'd really love to, but I'm...

...spending the weekend down here in San Diego at the cabin.

As a matter of fact, that's where I'm calling from.

All right, then we'll do it another time.

Absolutely.

Joanna, I thought maybe if you... for some reason,

...needed to get in touch with me, you do know the number of the cabin.

Right.

I'll see you in a few days.

Fine. Goodbye.

Do you ever get the feeling of deja vu?

What?

Like you've done something before, but you know you haven't?

Why? What do you mean?

I'm getting it right now. It's strange.

You know, I've never been here before.

Maybe in a previous incarnation, huh?

Ken, it's fantastic.

The house that Mrs.Melville built. Wait'll you see the inside.

It's no wonder...

No wonder what?

What woman could resist this setting?

Not very many. I promise you that. How about a drink, Jim?

More alcohol? No, thanks. You'll corrupt me.

You're thinking about Joanna, aren't you?

Yeah, you know... I mean just taking off like that...

She still expects me for dinner.

We can fix that. We'll put plan A into effect.

Pick up the phone and call her.

What am I going to tell her?

The man is too square for words.

Now look. You simply say that you're working at the office.

You're calling from the office.

She knows you have a deadline to meet with the book, you're working late.

How many times have you had to do that?

A couple of hundred, I guess.

Exactly. That's why she'll believe you.

Yeah... I just hate lying to her.

You're not lying to her. You're saving her a little anguish.

Now will you pick up the phone and call her so we can start enjoying ourselves.

OK...

Operator, I'd like to make a...

Hold it.

It's a cinch you have never cheated on Joanna before.

If you want your wife to believe you're calling from the office...

you don't have the operator place the call.

You dial her direct, the area code is 213.

Hi, honey?

How are you...

Yeah, well, that's why I'm calling about it...I'm at the office.

I'm pretty well into this last chapter and I'd like to work straight through.

I know, I know.

This will be the last time. That I can...

Jimmy?

Jimmy!

Operator, get me the police!

Hello Joanna?...What?

Joanna.

Will you take it easy. Now say it again once more.

Are you sure?

Did you call the police?

Yes, of course. I'll leave right away.

Joanna, please take it easy.

And don't worry.

I'm sure it's nothing but a practical joke. Goodbye.

I know it's insane... I just I... I...I keep thinking of cliches.

And Jim and Ken wrote this scene in their books a hundred times.

Look at it this way, Mrs.Ferris.

Maybe he isn't dead. There is no body, no blood...

No, he was shot! I know it! I heard it on the phone.

This place was searched, Mrs. Ferris.

Papers on the floor. Any idea why?

No, I have no idea.