Miranda Sings Live... Your Welcome

Miranda!

Miranda!

Miranda!

Miranda!

Miranda!

Miranda!

Miranda!

Please welcome to the stage

Miranda Sings!

Miranda, what are you doing? You're supposed to be on stage!

I can't go on stage right now. I'm busy!

Busy doing what?

Hello. I'm waiting for this scab to form so I can pick it.

Uh, change of plans.

Please welcome to the stage Colleen Ballinger!

Oh, my God!

Hello, everybody!

This is crazy!

We're doing a Netflix special at the Kennedy Centre. What?

This is nuts!

Oh, my gosh.

And you guys are never gonna believe me when I tell you this, but...

I'm pregnant.

There's a tiny little penis in there.

Is that weird? Are there kids here?

You know, pregnancy is the most beautiful,

magical, wonderful thing in the whole world...

for everyone who isn't pregnant.

I am so miserable.

This is awful.

No one tells you how much this is gonna suck.

I am so grumpy.

I am in so much pain.

I am constipated.

And I've been to the doctor, I've seen the baby.

He's down here.

So then, what's all this?

People come up to me and they want to rub my tummy,

and they're like, 'Oh, how sweet. A baby,'

and I'm like, 'That's not a baby. I haven't pooped in two weeks.'

'But keep rubbing. Maybe it will help.'

I'm very excited to have this little guy. I can't wait to be a mom.

But I'm gonna admit something to you guys tonight.

I am so nervous.

I'm so nervous to have him.

But I'm not nervous for the reasons you might think.

I'm not nervous 'cause I have to push a baby out of my parts

and they're all going to rip into pieces.

I'm not nervous because I'm going to be

responsible for another human being.

I'm nervous because this kid is going to have my genes,

and I looked like this when I was a baby!

That's not photo shopped. That's my actual face.

And I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking, 'Oh, that was probably just an awkward phase.'

You know, all babies look weird in pictures sometimes.'

Oh, no. I was a very ugly baby, and I have proof.

This is also me as a baby.

And this is me as a baby.

And my personal favourite... This is me as a baby.

And to any of you out there who think,

'Oh, you know what? It'll get better.

You know, you'll grow out of that,'

you must be forgetting that this is what I do for a living.

So no, it doesn't get better.

And if this kid looks anything like me when he comes out,

I'm gonna be like, 'Put him back!'

Just kidding. I'll love him no matter how ugly he is.

I'll just love him less.

Oh, how am I going to explain that to my child?

He's gonna be so confused.

He's gonna think he lives in a house with a mommy and a daddy,

and sometimes mommy disappears

and a crazy girl with lipstick and a camel toe

chases him around the house with a camera.

Like, what's he gonna tell his friends

that his mom does for a living?

What's he gonna do? Show them this picture?

His friends are gonna be like, 'My mom's a doctor.'

'Well, my mom's a teacher.'

And he's gonna be like, 'My mom does this.'

Oh, God. Why did I give him that voice?

Just assuming he's doomed.

Oh, God.

We can get rid of that.

You know, uh, I've been doing that...

for ten years now. I've been doing Miranda.

Whoo!

So long of doing a character that everybody hates.

Everyone hates me. It's true.

I have made a career off of people hating my character.

Are there any parents in the audience tonight?

Hey! Thanks for coming.

You guys hate me the most.

No, don't worry, though.

If you're a parent and you feel like you were just dragged

to some dumb YouTuber's show tonight,

you were. Gotcha.

But also,

I try really hard to make my show enjoyable for everybody.

So yes, there are some jokes for the kids tonight.

But there's also a lot of mature, inappropriate jokes

that will go over the kids' heads.

No offence to you kids, but you guys are... dumb,

so they'll go over your heads...

and then the parents will have something to laugh at, don't worry.

Uh, but it is true. I get a lot of hate from the mothers.

Hi. Uh...

You all say the same thing to me when you meet me, too, the moms.

And I think

you think this is a compliment,

but you always say...

'I don't know why my kid likes you.'

Fighting back tears.

I remember this one time I met a girl at a mall, and she was so sweet.

I was so excited to meet her.

She watched my videos. She was a big fan.

But her mom was standing, like, two feet from us and she looked pissed.

So I went up to her to introduce myself,

and she goes, 'Oh, I know who you are.'

'If I have to hear your voice in my house one more time, I swear to God...'

And I was like...

'Thank you.'

I did an interview with this guy once,

and he was so rude.

He did not want to be talking to me at all.

And at the end of the interview, he goes,

'All right. I have one final question.'

I interview a lot of comedians.

'Is there a reason why they're funny and you're not?'

True story. He said that.

And in my head, I was like,

'Well, is there a reason why you're a dick?'

But I didn't say that

because there are kids here.

I said something better.

He said, 'Is there a reason why comedians are funny and you're not?'

And I said...

'Thank you.'

So I'm very uncomfortable when it comes to confrontation and hate,

but I'm a little bit better at it when I can hide behind my camera

like a coward.

So I write songs about the hate that I get,

and I would love to sing one for you guys tonight if that's cool?

Yes! Awesome.

I've got my ukulele.

So...

I have to warn you,

all of the lyrics to this song are hate comments that I have received.

So there's a lot of bad words,

and there is some crude language in this song.

So to all of the mothers that I'm about to offend, um...

thank you.

'Why are you a YouTuber?

I'm not a hater. I just hate your vids. And your voice.'

'You look uglier than my ass. No ofoinse.'

'Does she have cancer?

Because I don't want to make fun of her if she does.

She's so effing annoying.'

'Your cloths are so ugly. Maybe you need to go into a model class.'

Your cloths look like pyjamas.

'You don't know what you're wearing.

You look good to you. You look bad to me.'

'# 'Roses are red, violets are blue #

# Pornhub is down Colleen Ballinger will do' #

# 'Her face is a rip-off, so sad' #

# 'Nice fonking forehead' #

# 'Butt #

# Head' #

# 'Toltoly stupid' #

# 'I hatte you with a passion' Thumbs up #

# 'Her face scarets me She neds more make-up' #

# 'She has a uniboob' #

# 'I'm pretty sure her vagina Smells like cat food' #

That one's accurate.

# You might think that I'm hurt Or I'm feeling abused #

# But I'm not, I'm getting paid From your comments and views #

# So keep the comments coming #

# But here's some help #

# Before you go insulting people Maybe learn how to spell #

# Dum-da-dum #

# Dum-da-dum #

# You sound so dumb, dumb, dumb #

# You sound so dumb #

'What the duck is wrong with her face?

Duck, duck, duck!'

'There are eight-year-olds watching this.'

'She looks fat but still pretty.'

# 'I think she might be a dude' #

# 'You remind me of a raisin 'Cause you have wrinkles #

# And everyone hates you' #

# 'You look like Maranda' 'You look like Mirada' #

# 'Are you Mirinda?' 'Are you Amanda?' #

# 'Are you Mirrranda?' 'Are you a Marinade Sings? No ofens #

You know, I'm not a marinade, so, none taken.

# You might think that I'm hurt Or I'm feeling abused #

# But I'm not, I'm getting paid From your comments and views #

# So keep the comments coming #

# But here's some help #

# Before you go insulting people Maybe learn how to spell #