Columbo

I came here, I think, to make an arrest.

I'll kill him!

You didn't even have a motive.

I stand to inherit half of his estate.

There's something about your uncle's death that's very disturbing.

What am I, some kind of suspect?

Well, you could've had him killed.

Does that put me on your list?

Do you think that your brother is guilty?

Norman could have shoved Lisa right off the balcony.

We were supposed to come down two years ago,

but my wife switched sides...

and voted with my in-laws, we ended up in Animal Land.

You're a bum!

Would you mind too much coming with me to the bathroom?

Good hit.

Good touch.

Ah, finally.

Showing your years, Mike. Showing your years.

Not so. You just refuse to show yours.

Touché.

Take care of the body, Mike, and the body takes care of you.

Oh, yes. I know, I know, I know.

Protein, Mike, protein.

Better than those doubles you had before lunch. En garde.

Touché. Good hit.

Good hit. A pleasure always.

Ah, Mike, you're too much for me today.

Hi there, bridegroom. Bridegroom.

Dexter. How are you?

How about that old guy, huh? Is he wild? Is he wild?

Hello, Dexter.

Glad you stopped by, Dexter.

Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss shaking hands with an old goat...

like you who's good enough to snare a beautiful chick like...

What's her name?

Hey, where's the honeymoon gonna be?

Dexter, your uncle is getting married tomorrow.

It's not the same as going out for a night on the town.

Oh, relax, Michael. Don't argue semantics.

My nephew stopped by to wish me well.

I rather hoped you might bring your brother Norman with you.

Well... if Norman were to come...

which I hope he does, by the way it certainly would not be with me.

Still? You're two grown men, Dexter, for heaven's sake.

Mr. Hatheway, you're a very nice man...

and you happen to be an excellent attorney.

But the day you can make a merger between me and my beanbag brother,

that is the day they'll appoint you to the Supreme Court.

Uncle, good luck to you, you old roué.

Thank you, Dexter.

When you come back from your honeymoon, I want a nice,

home-cooked blowout.

Don't let Mrs. Peck hear you say that.

Hey, wow, I got stuff in the oven.

I'm baking some stuff for her to take over to her sister's house.

Don't let him wear you out, Mr. Hatheway.

He already has, Dexter. Already has.

Take care, Uncle.

Glad you stopped by, boy. Take care.

Well, Michael, let's get at it.

I know what I'd like to get at. A nice, cold martini.

Yes, I know, Michael. En garde!

Ah, look at them. Look at them.

Beautiful. Les Tartes Strawberry à la Dexter Paris.

Exactly as prepared on my little Thursday cooking show...

for all my hypoglycemic housewives.

You know what your uncle would say if he could see that display.

He'd give you a big nutritional zero and throw them in the garbage can,

right along with that TV show of yours.

No, he wouldn't. You know why, you gorgeous thing?

Because in about an hour,

you're going to sneak down to your car and...

take them to your sister's house,

and you and she will pull down the shades, lock the doors...

and devour each and every one of those little things, right?

- Well, Betsy has a sweet tooth. - Oh, Betsy does, huh?

Look at this mess. Will you get out of here,

and I'll clean this up so the cook won't quit.

Come on. Cheer up, will ya?

Don't you realize my uncle's girlfriend's gonna...

pick him up tonight,

whisk him away to some teenage health resort and marital bliss...

and return and take all these dismal kitchen chores right away from you?

Well, I think it's disgusting. That's what I think.

She's young enough to be his granddaughter. That snip.

And if she thinks she can take better care of that man than...

I've been taking for 30...

Come on, you feisty creature you.

Don't you know no one can do without you around here?

Oh, you're soft-soaping me.

I am not.

Oh, here now. I'll thank you to dribble those...

crumbs on somebody else's floor.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

You old phony grumpy. Have a nice vacation, eh?

Mmm. Great.

Go.

I'll call you as soon as we get back, Michael.

All right, and I wanna go over those oil lease agreements.

Oh, good.

Well, my very best to your bride, Clifford.

Thank you, Michael.

I guess now we'll really find out what kind of shape you're in.

Good-bye, Mrs. Peck.

Good-bye, Mr. Hatheway.

I thought you were going to your sister's, Mrs. Peck.

Well, I... I thought I should stay around in case you needed something.

After all, I'm the only one who knows where everything is.

Although, I suppose your young bride-to-be won't need me.

Now, Mrs. Peck, you have been the mistress of this house...

and you always shall be.

Lisa wouldn't have it any other way. So you lock up and go on.

She claims it's just a head cold. I hope to heaven that's all it is.

What if it's not? Dr. Werbel, supposing it's something I...

Supposing it's something serious.

Supposing it is.

You're not just a fullback anymore,

playing for glory on some football field.

You're also a doctor now, Rocky,

and if you're not cold and hard and tough enough...

to justify the faith and confidence of your patients,

you can hand me your stethoscope, Rocky,

right now.

Hello again, Uncle.

Well, Dexter, what a surprise.

Not as surprised as I was...

when I realized I'd forgotten your wedding present.

Here it is, just an ordinary electric mixer.

Well, my... my goodness.

A plain, everyday...

kitchen utensil.

Blend, mix, whip.

But it's more than that. Much more than that, Uncle.

Well, I... I'm not very fond of appliances, but thank you.

You're welcome.

Uncle, you're gonna get a real charge out of this.

Well, what?

Oh, please. Don't go off.

Well, what in heaven's name?

Sinofron is dangerous. I won't agree.

Dr. Werbel, you've had 30 years as a general practitioner.

I'm new. I'm green.

You're purple.

Tell me, what can I do?

What can any of us ever do, Roger?

Oh, we can, I suppose,

be grateful for little Maryanne's coming to us with a head cold.

If she hadn't, we might never have known...

she was a terminal case until it was all over.

Please wait. I'll just be a minute or two.

Oh.

Mrs. Peck, how nice to see you. Is Mr. Paris ready?

I'll tell him you're here.

Good.

Oh, never mind. I'll just scoot on up.

Please. I do think you'd better let me fetch him.

He may not be quite dressed.

Why, Mrs. Peck, you're talking like we were a couple of children.

Clifford. Clifford.

I got a taxi waiting.

Clifford.

Are you decent?

Well, ready or not...

Oh.

He's not upstairs at all. I even checked his bathroom.

Could be in the new gym, I suppose.

I bet it's that electric bicycle I got for him.

Oh, isn't he absolutely adorable.

I'll bet he's down there right now just rowing away.

Oh, there you are, you silly. Now, why aren't you...

Clifford. Clifford, would...

Clifford.

Clifford!

Hey, Lieutenant. How are you?

Well...

Believe me, I know just how you feel.

Dobrinsky, I don't even know how I feel.

Give me a handkerchief. Lieutenant, you... you got a handkerchief?

Open the door, Dobrinsky, will ya?

You got one?

Who is she?

Victim's, uh, fiancée. Supposed to be their wedding night.

Oh. Isn't that awful.

Yeah.

What'd he die of?

Coronary.

What are we doing here?

Well, she called us hysterical.

Said something about everybody's after the old fellow's money,

and that, uh, he was too healthy to die like that, so...

Mmm. What'd you say? Old fellow?

Yeah.

Boy, old fellow has a lovely fiancée.

Oh, yes. Old fellow have nice, young fiancée.

Old fellow drop dead of a heart attack.

You have my handkerchief?

No, she's got it.

Well, anyway. Come on. We have to go through the motions, huh?

What'd she do? She kept it?