Red Dwarf

Okay let's try again.

- What is it? - It's a banana.

No, it isn't. Try again. What is it?

- It's a banana? - No, it isn't. What is it?

It's an urrrr... It's an urrrr...

It's an orange. Go on, say it. It's an orange.

This is an orange.

It's an orrrr...

It's an orrrr...

It's a banana. It's no good, sir. I just can't do it.

You can do it. I'm gonna teach you how. Okay, what's this?

- It's an ap... - No, no, no. What is it?

Oh, it's no good, sir.

I just can't lie. I'm programmed always to tell the truth.

Kryten, it's easy. Look. An orange, a melon,

a female aardvark.

Oh, that is just so superb, sir! How do you do that?

Especially calling a banana an aardvark.

An aardvark isn't even a fruit. It's total genius.

Let's start again.

Sir, my head is spinning. We've been doing this all morning.

Kryten, I'm going to teach you to lie and cheat,

if it's the last thing I do!

I want you to be unpleasant, cruel and sarcastic.

It's the only way to break your programming, man.

Make you independent!

Well, I'm truly grateful, sir.

Don't you think I'd love to be deceitful, unpleasant and offensive?

Those are the human qualities I admire the most.

But I just can't do it.

- You can! - I can't.

- Look, what's this? - No!

- What is it? - Please!

- Come on. What is it? - It's a... It's a...

It's a small, off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden.

Yes! You did it! You did it! What's this?

It's a red and blue striped golfing umbrella.

Kryten! Yes!

- What's this? - It's an apple.

- No. What is it? - —It's a... It's...

It's the Bolivian navy on manoeuvres in the South Pacific.

- Kryten, man, you can do it. - No, I can't.

Yes, you... Whoa, nice one!

Well, I can't hang around here.

I'd better go away and take the penguin for a walk.

I can do it! I did it again! I can lie!

- Cat, Cat, come here. Check this. - Check what?

Concentrate, Kryten.

- What's this? - It's a banana.

- What's this? - It's an orange.

- What's this? - —Apple.

You taught him that? That's terrific!

You two should audition for What's My Fruit?

- He did it wrong, man. - Oh, it gets better?

- I just can't do it. - You can, you just did it.

I just can't do it, not when there's someone else there.

What's a suitable human analogy?

It's like trying to urinate in a public lavatory

when you're standing next to a man two foot taller than you.

It's just not possible.

What are you trying to do, exactly?

He's trying to teach me how to lie, sir.

Any particular reason?

Yeah. Lying's a vital part of your psychological defence system.

You're naked without it.

If you can't lie, then you can't conceal your true intentions

from other people. Sometimes that's essential.

I mean, like, take Nelson.

When he put the telescope to his blind eye and said, "I see no ships!"

Or like Humphrey Bogart at the end of Casablanca

when he lies to Victor Laszlo, to protect the guy's feelings.

I understand the theory, sir.

How many times have you made me watch that movie?

I understand that it can be noble to lie, I just can't do it.

Kryten, you can, look.

- What's this? - It's a banana.

It always has been a banana. It always will be a banana.

It's a yellow fruit that you unzip and eat the white bits.

It's a banana.

—Lister, have you got Kryten with you? - Yeah, what's the prob?

The problem is I've been waiting fully 20 minutes for him in the hangar.

Oh, spin my nipple nuts and send me to Alaska!

I'm supposed to take him asteroid spotting.

-I'll be right down, sir. —You’d' better be.

Kryten, remember yesterday's class on Introduction to Insults?

- I'm not sure... - Now, how do we describe

the gentleman who’s just been on the screen?

- He's Mr... - No, no, no. Come on. He's a...

- He's a smeee... - Nearly. Come on. Nearly.

- He's a smeee... - He's a...

He's a smeee... He's a smeeeg...

Heeeeead.

I did it!

Brutal. Now the ultimate test, can you say it to him in person?

Ah, Kryten. At last.

Glad you could make it this millennium.

Smeeeee...

- Pardon? - Smeeeee... heeeee...

...What? - You're a smeeeee... heeeee...

Oh, forget it.

Kryten, is there any possibility we could go just a little bit faster?

I mean, so we're not being overtaken by stationary objects?

Sir, you're a smeeeee...

A smee.

A smeeeee... heeeee...

A smee-hee.

A complete and total one.

Hang about, I'm picking something up. Some kind of distress beacon.

...-I copy that, Holly.

Quadrant four-niner-seven.

-What is it? —Hard' to tell. But whatever it is,

it appears to be marooned on a planet in decaying orbit.

What's the safety margin?

The planet'll explode in about two hours.

Forget it, it's too dangerous. Kryten, head for home.

We can't just leave them there, sir. There may be survivors.

Leave it, Kryten. That's an order.

- What are you doing? - I'm not plotting a course, sir.

Nor am I taking her down.

Yes, you are.

Neither am I rendezvousing with the crashed vessel

nor seeking for survivors.

Kryten, you are committing an act of mutiny.

I could have you dismantled for this.

Smeeeee... heeeee...

Oh, damn my programming!

They're not back yet? They've been hours.

- No sign. What are you watching? - Oh, just a vid.

- This is a classic, man. - What is it?

Tales of the River Bank: The Next Generation.

Oh, right, I've seen this. It's not as good as the original.

Well, they never did find anyone to replace Hammy Hamster, did they?

How could they? The dude was a diva, he smouldered.

The camera loved him.

Yeah, he was the rodent equivalent of Marlon Brando.

Whatever happened... Whatever happened to old Hammy?

One minute he's a huge star running

around on his own personalised gold wheel

with as much Edam as he could hold in his little cheeks.

The next? Obscurity.

He went on a slide, the series ended,

couldn't find any more work and then the ultimate humiliation...

Hamstergrams.

Well, thanks a bunch. Thanks a smegging buncharoony.

Rimmer, where are you?

That idiot droid has endangered this entire vessel

by landing on a planet that's about to explode,

thanks to your foundation course in Advanced Rebellion.

Why?

So he can go and search some starship escape vessel

because there's a million—to—one chance there may be a survivor.

What, and you let him go off on his own?

Of course I let him go on his own. I was glad to get rid of him.

He's flipped. He's got mad droid disease.

He kept waving a banana in front of me and calling it a female aardvark.

Well...

You'd better get after him, then, haven't you?

-He might need help. —Lister, this is all your fault.

Hello? Is there anyone here?

Can anyone read me?

Oh, dear. What a terrible mess.

Help! Mr Rimmer, sir. Sir?

I thank you from the very bottom of my rehydration units.

You saved my life.

You responded to my distress call. You saved mine.

My name is Kryten.

They call me Camille. Pleased to make your acquaintance.

- Are you a 4,000 series? - Yes, I'm the 4,000 series GTi.

GTi! Oh, wow! I'm just a plain old 4,000 series.

You've got all the luxury extras,

like realistic toes and a slide-back sunroof head.

Why are you looking at me like that? Is there something wrong?

Sorry. Stare mode cancel. It's just you have really amazing eyes.

Well, yeah, they're just the old 5795 with the automatic 15F-stop cornea.

If you like, I could pop them out and you could borrow them.

Heck. What a jerky thing to say.

I don't believe you would ever say anything which I would considerjerky.

- Really? - Really.

Wow. Listen, I know this is going to sound like a corny line,

but has anyone ever told you that

the configuration and juxtaposition of your features

is extraordinarily apposite?

You really know all the lines, don't you?

No, I really mean it.

The way the light catches the angles in your head, it's enchanting.

- My name is Kryten. - You already said.

Oh, yes. Gosh. You must think me as stupid as a photocopier.

So, where are the crew? What happened here?

Kryten, do you believe in advanced mutual compatibility

on the basis of a primary initial indent?

You mean what humans call "love at first sight"?

That would be an adequate synonym, yes.

Well, up until a few moments ago,

I would have said it had a probability of zero squared.

- And now? - This gantry is unstable.

I suggest you hang on to me.

Oh, what is that fragrance? It smells divine.

...WD—40. - I knew it.

I knew it. That's what I use on my neck hinges, too.

Kryten, this shouldn't be happening. Do you feel it, too?