The Cleveland Show

Hello, loyal viewers.

I want to play a game.

You're watching this on your TV, your laptop

or your mobile communication device,

but what you don't know is that your life is in danger.

Because I've placed an explosive in...

What was that? Did y'all hear that?

Somebody needs to stop playing.

Ah, hell, no!

Mama!

Aah!

Little bitch.

I love Halloween.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Damn, that is spooky dope.

You're not wearing that.

But it's Halloween.

You're such a prude.

Donna "Saran Wrap" Tubbs is not a prude.

There's a recession, Roberta.

We don't have money for nonsense like costumes.

How come he gets a costume?

Costume?

This is sports gear. It's necessary.

Got to cheer on my Stoolbend Steamers

against the hated Goochland Glorioles.

Cleveland, I was just explaining to Roberta

that we're cutting back right now, and that's why

she has to return that slutty Halloween costume.

All right.

Roberta, you must return that costume.

Ugh!

Are we really broke?

Yeah, but no more than usual.

Ah, good, 'cause I'm going to drink the rest

of our money at the game.

I'm going to liquidate it.

Get it? Yes.

Drinky, drinky, wee-wee?

Cleveland, you can't drink this year. Come again?

You and the guys alternate being the designated driver,

and this year is your turn.

The designated driver?

No!

I spend 364 days a year dressed like a damn nun,

and the one night I want to show a little skin,

my dumb old parents won't let me.

Do you want your Federline to talk to your step-pops

and make things right?

He hates you. What?

But I gots to be tight with my possible step-pops-in-law.

Maybe he just don't know me well enough.

He's about to get Feducated.

See, that's the stuff he hates.

Yes, I'm trying to locate

Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive a Car?

What?

But how'd he die?

Feline leukemia?

Well, that's not funny.

Oh, it's no use.

I've tried one thing I can think of

to find a designated driver.

I'm screwed.

What's up, Mr. C? Shut up.

Come on, I think yous and mes should get

to know each other better.

What you doing this weekend?

I'll be busy being sober at a football game

unless I can find some jackass to drive me.

Wait.

There's a jackass right here.

Federline, congratulations, you're our designated driver.

Blap yeah.

Thanks for making it so we can't have costumes, Roberta.

You ruined Halloween.

It's my mom and Cleveland's fault.

They're the ones who said we can't buy costumes this year.

Except for me,

'cause I'm so cute.

Die, die, die, die, die!

Aw. Aw.

Look, I'm still going out this Halloween.

And since I can't go as someone sexy,

I'm going to dress up as the least sexy thing possible.

This is how I'm getting back at my mom.

You're going to have sex with my dad.

No, I'm going as my mom.

And you should go as Cleveland.

Then we can go out, egg houses, TP trees...

Ow!

Aah, I cut myself pretty bad!

And people will think they did it.

Come on, Junior, let's get you in Cleveland's clothes.

Okay, but don't look at my breasts.

They're not finished.

No, no, no, y'all keep planning your pranks.

I'll just... I'll just sit over here and bleed out.

I can't believe you'd sell this costume

to a 15-year-old girl.

We want a full refund.

I'll have to, like, talk to my manager.

Eric?

Can you believe Roberta thought I'd let her

out the house looking like this?

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Mmm. What, you like this?

Well, not on Roberta.

But on you, it's giving me a Halloween "boo-ner."

Really?

This? I don't know.

You'd be shocked to learn what it takes to turn me on now.

Mmm, porn.

Put it on, pretend you're a naughty stranger,

and meet me after the game at the Travelodge.

Ooh, I love how your natural cheapness

plays into the fantasy.

Mm-hmm.

You forgot your...

Jobs are hard.

Give me an "N"!

"N"!

And give me a "D"!

"D"!

What's that spell?

Goochland!

Whoops, I meant Stoolbend.

Oh, man, I am drunk.

Yo, it's dope finally hanging with you,

Mr. Brown-Biggie-Brown, the biggest pimp in town.

Wherever he go, the bitches do lay down.

"Oh, Biggie-Brown."

And it is not at all exhausting to hang with you.

Aah, giant wet willy!

Chet Butler, my previously established rival.

I'd know your willy anywhere.

Hey, Cleveland.

Shame to come all this way just to see your team

get its butt handed to them.

Not this year, Chet.

It's your butt that will have my hand in it.

And going into halftime, it's Goochland 58,

Stoolbend zero.

No worries, no worries.

We got this.

200 years ago, God looked down

at the beauty of Virginia and shed a tear of joy.

And that tear watered the lush plains that became Goochland.

But nearby...

God threw a Gatorade bottle full of chew spit from his car

and he called the resulting foul-smelling cesspool

Stoolbend.

What else is on? Put on Army Wives.

Yes, Stoolbend, located on the banks

of a polluted river of garbage and raw sewage.

So it was no surprise when, in 1841,

Goochland was chosen over Stoolbend

to host President William Henry Harrison

and his wooden wife, Eunice.

Harrison was so moved by the glory of Goochland

that he bequeathed his lumber lover to us.

And now, please stand and salute our prized possession

Eunice Henry Harrison.

What the hell is wrong with this town?

She's not that hot.

Uh-oh, watch out, Eunice.

It's the pride of Stoolbend...

rats!

How dare they mock our rats.

A lot of them... are some of the best little guys I know.

Well, we may have lost 77-nothing,

but I peed on every roll of toilet paper in that bathroom.

Ah, the breeze feels good on my drunk, hot face.

Yo, I think I went too far.

Oh, no!

My face is cooler, but at what cost?

My car!

Oh, Chet, I'm so sorry.

The black president from 24 is my insurance man.

He's honorable. Just call him.

Screw the insurance.

I'm gonna take my payment another way.

Paypal? You're gonna pay, pal!

Uh-oh. Run!

I'm just gonna put in my earbuds.

I like to run to music.

Listen up, fellas, Donna's waiting for me

in a slutty outfit at a cheap motel.

Which one?

But we're in "emminy territory."

Now we'll never make it out of Goochland dressed like this.

Everyone, clothes off.

This is only going to attract more attention.

We need costumes. Let's go.

Okay, almost there.

The bus station's only 15 Kendras away.