The Wrong Arm of the Law

What the...?! Eh!

Right on time.

I don't know why they bother.

Right.

Exquisite, beautiful.

Positively formidable.

- Tres juste, huh? - Not bad.

Looks all right on her.

But what about that one?

I assure your ladyship it will look even more formidable on Mademoiselle, the beautiful bride.

Mm, you'll have to pad it out a bit in front.

Oh, but that is the fashion these days.

I'm sure that Mademoiselle is completely up to date. This slim, boyish, greyhound look.

Today, curves are entirely superfluous.

On the younger woman, of course.

Well, we'll take it.

- Trés gentille, Madame. - And now, something for me.

- For the wedding. - For the wedding, of course.

Well, that will be all for now, my dear.

Hold it. Give them a few minutes and we can catch them red-handed.

Trente-deux. Morning Glory.

I promise you, Madame, you will be the only woman wearing this one.

It is the only model in existence.

I've destroyed every sketch. Uh!

Voila!

Oh, dear.

If only I knew what the others would be wearing.

Well...

If Madame would care to tell me who is going,

I have my spies.

Perhaps I could find out what Madame will be up against.

- You clever boy! -

Well, Lord and Lady Hoxton.

Oh, Lord and Lady Hoxton.

I presume that would mean the Hoxton jewels?

Yes! The usual vulgar display of wealth.

Lord and Lady Hoxton.

Emily Kitshaw.

What? With that naughty, fabulous tiara?

- That's right. - Ah!

That's very, very interesting.

That's the last one coming up.

There you are then. Four bags and all registered.

A very smooth little job.

Planning, that's what does it. Care and thought in planning, you cannot go wrong.

- No, no, no, it's no good. -

I don't think this is really me.

- Yes? - All right, where are they?

- Who? - Those three delivery men.

- Delivery men? - Don't bandy words with me! Where are they?

- They're in the office. - All right, where's that?

Well, it's through there.

- You can't come through here! - Don't worry, Miss. Everything's under control.

All right, stay where you are. Mate.

Well, well.

- Now, what have we got here? - What's the meaning of this?

Come on, you, give us a hand. Come on, come on.

- What's it all about? - Now, don't give us the old cobblers.

- We've been trailing your van. - A lot of valuable stuff here, Sarge.

It's a fine thing when private citizens

are going through their personal correspondence and the coppers come in and knock the lot off.

- Get that lot in the car. - Yes, Sarge.

- You were saying? - Excuse me, Sergeant.

- You're wanted on the car radio. - Right you are, Constable. Just a moment.

Here.

Now, you lot stay here.

And don't try anything.

- They've gone. - Let's get outta here then!

Ah, ah, ah. Don't be a couple of mugs.

- Eh? - That's what they want.

They're waiting outside for us to do a bunk.

What do you mean, then?

It's one thing getting caught. I'm not getting punched up as well.

- Au revoir, Monsieur Jules, and thank you. - Au revoir, Madame.

Au revoir, Mademoiselle.

I wish you every happiness and my felicitations to the groom.

Pearly, the police have been here.

The what?

It's those delivery men, they're up to something.

- Where's the police now? - Oh, they've gone.

Gone? Why didn't you tell me before?

- In front of her ladyship? - Well, where's the lads?

- Have they took them down the nick? - No.

No?

They just took away some bags. They looked like mailbags.

- They took away some mailbags? - I saw them drive off.

- And they left the lads here? - In your office.

Hello!

- Pearly, get out of here. The law's here. - They're waiting outside.

- We won't grass on you. - Lads...

The law, as you call it,

has gone.

- Gone? - Gone?

- What do you know about that then? - I knew Pearly wouldn't let us down.

- You useless bunch of moronic twits! - What do you mean "useless"?

What do I mean "useless"?

You know what you've fallen for, don't you?

The oldest bleedin' game in the business, that's all.

- The IPO caper. - IPO?

- What's IPO? - lmpersonating a police officer.

You mean to say, we've been conned?

I mean to say, you've been conned!

- Not too bad for one morning. - Dead easy, isn't it?

We went through that lot like a dose of salts.

I told you, the crooks over here are a bunch of raw prawns.

They wouldn't last two minutes back home.

Yeah, if they all go like this job, we'll put all the pommy gangs

out of business inside of three months.

Ah, boy, then back to Australia while they're still wondering what hit them.

What are you talking about? We only just got here.

We haven't started to milk it yet. We could go on for years.

Anwvay, they shipped enough crooks out to Australia.

- It's about time they had a few back here. -

We'll go back when we've made enough to live it up big for the rest of our lives.

And don't forget I want to see the Queen before I go home.

- Yeah, we know, we know. - When are you gonna take us to see the Tower?

- You promised, didn't you? -

- Who is it? - It's me. Valerie.

- How did it go? - Like a dream. We're onto something big here.

- Well, how much did we get? - We're just counting it.

- I've got some more information for you. - All right, give, baby.

- My expenses? - Yeah, sure, but come on, what is it?

Well, you see, it's like this. One of Pearly's men is a cat burglar.

And they've got this fantastic job planned for next week.

Ooh!

Ooh! Oh! Ah!

- All right, hand it over. - Wh-what are you talking about?

- You know what I'm talking about, the stuff. - What stuff?

Search him, Constable.

- Oh, that's finished it. - Put that evidence in the car.

Give me a hand with this.

- Come on, you. - Yes, I'll be with you.

- Hey! - Will you put that down?

You'll blow it one of these days.

Hello, Coombesy.

Hello, Coombesy.

They've just left the bank. Get weaving.

All out. That side. Face the wall. Come on.

Let's see you. Come on, come on.

- All right, Sergeant? - Yes, just fine.

Now, keep your eye on this lot.

Come on, you fellas here. Face the wall, face the wall.

Get that car out of the way, please!

They done it again.

Well, this has got to stop, I tell you, got to stop! I can't afford it!

- It's not our fault, Pearly. - Shut up!

Sixjobs in the last week and not one lousy penny!

There's thousands of coppers in London, Pearly.

- You can't expect us to sort them out. - They've sorted you out enough, haven't they?

- Here, Pearly. - What?

- Do you know what I think? - What?

I mean, I could be wrong about this, but...

I think somebody's getting inside information about our plans.

Did you work that lot out by yourself, Morris?

Yeah.

Hear that, did you?

Of course they're getting information from somewhere, you twit!

Probably one of you lot grassing!

- Oh, no, not us! - No, not us!

Sting me right to the quick, the way I look after you fellas.

Double bubble you get on Sundays. Who looks after your families when you go inside?

- You do, yes. - I do, don't I?

Fortnight's holiday you get each year on the Costa Brava.

Luncheon vouchers all free, all down to Larkin.

Here, who paid to have your wife's hooter shortened?

- You did, Pearly. - I did, I did.

Who fixed for your son to go to Gordonstoun?

- You did, Pearl. - Yeah.

Who keeps you stocked up in the hard stuff?

- You do. - I do!

And this is the way you repay me?

Well, I tell you something for nothing.

When I find out who it is who's grassing...

Just coming, darling.

It's all right, my darling, plenty of time, plenty of room on top.

Any more here, please?

Here, I thought we was going out twisting.

Oh, we don't want to go out tonight, do we?

I don't if you don't.

- Do you like the room? - Lovely. Very fair, very fair.

- It's Georgian. - He done it up, did he? Yeah.

I should think it's French, innit?

Of course you'd know about that.

Yeah, I know all about that.

My old mum had a touch of the French, you know.

- Did she? - Yeah, she was a Bluebell girl, my old mum.

6' 2" she stood, stripped.

Lovely.

My other parent, that's to say my father, as it were, he's a sort of a mongrel.

He used to be able to run the mile in four minutes.

It's about all he had to offer.

I remember he got out of Paris a bit sharpish.

Yeah, I don't mind a nice few mirrors around the place.

You know, I like it because...

well, it gives you a new angle on things.

Oh, yeah.