The Goldbergs

Ah, the school prank.

Back in the day, it was a pure and simple art form.

You didn't care about posting some video to go viral.

No. You'd pull a prank to become legend.

Yes! Seniors rule!

In my school, the '80s was the pinnacle of the pranking era,

and our success was measured by one thing,

how much it pissed off our principal.

Oh, no.

Darn seniors!

I'm going down.

Naturally, no one loved a good prank more than my brother, Barry.

Good fountain.

Trusted posse of Jenkintown.

TPOJ!

I think we can all agree our senior year's been a complete and utter bust.

I actually had a real nice year.

I aced AP Bio,

and I really got to know my pen pal, Yoshi Takanabu.

And I reconnected with my grandma, Naked Nana.

And even though Erica's at college,

our love has never been more rock-solid.

And I'm just happy to be included.

Ugh. Well, my whole school year's been a complete dook fest

'cause my one true love, Lainey, left me,

and no one in this hellhole even noticed me.

Hey, Barry. Everything cool?

I'm talking to some friends, Jamie Weisman.

So rude. Unreal.

Agree. Totally.

Is it? Lucky for me, it's prank week.

With my evil brain smarts,

I will finally become the school legend I am in my mind.

Couldn't help but overhear you might be in the market for a legendary prank.

What's it to you, douche box?

It just so happens I have the single best resource

for school prankery the world has ever seen.

Real Genius.

A filmic ode to shenanigans

where brilliant dreamboat Val Kilmer

pulls a series of the most epic pranks ever seen.

He is a dreamboat, which is why I'm listening.

Here's a good one.

You take apart a car and put it back together in a tiny room.

Unimpressive. Next.

You ice the hallways so the whole school

becomes a giant skating rink.

Too easy. Next!

Then go for the ultimate prank

and fire a NASA laser beam at a 50-ton Jiffy Pop,

causing a popcorn avalanche.

No! The good news is your lame ideas

have given me an incredible one.

Mother! What is it, boopie?

I'm in need of your sewing skills.

On it. What for?

Something so brilliant, so elaborate,

that the school will never be the same.

Ha! You got khaki pants! Khak attack!

You like pranks, huh? Up here.

Honestly, I don't even understand what's comical about this.

Goldberg does it again! Give me some.

* I'm twisted up inside

* But nonetheless I feel the need to say

* I don't know the future

* But the past keeps getting clearer every day *

It was May 16th, 1980-something,

and Erica had officially dropped out of college.

But for my mom, she was just happy to have her baby home.

In honor of my schmoopie-poop's arrival home

and back into my loving arms,

I present the most tender brisket ever brisketed.

How can you brisket at a time like this?

Dad's about to come home and lose his mind

when he hears I dropped out.

That's the point.

I know exactly how to butter up your father.

You do it with meat and actual butter.

I'm home!

I hit a lot of personal and professional lows today,

so give me a wide berth.

Go, go, go.

Work your Mama magic. I love you.

With that, my mom lulled my dad into a rare state of calmness.

Here you go, honey.

Little light brisket snack to take the edge off.

You just sit there and enjoy.

Little Mani-shev to help the meat go down nice.

There you go, my big tiger.

You just relax those big, hardworking muscles.

Backy-scratchies for my man, hmm?

I just pressed these nails on fresh.

Is he lulled yet?

No! What is the girl-moron doing here?

This better not be about dropping out, so help me.

Yep, few things were as important to my dad

as a college education.

You're not skipping out on college.

You're studying and going to a good school.

Your whole damn future depends on it!

Here's a plan... College!

College. College. College. College.

Don't think of it as dropping out.

Think of it as me transferring to your house.

This school rejects your application.

You go now.

He doesn't mean it, love bug.

It's the Manischewitz talking.

Damn right I mean it!

What makes her think she can move back in here,

eat our food, sit on our furniture

like she's one of our children?

She is one of our children, Murray.

Fine, the dummy can stay

as long as she pays for food and rent like a normal person.

I'm putting my foot down on this.

Come on! This is my home!

You can't make me pay for goods and services.

Plus rent. The foot has spoken.

**

So, like, when exactly

do you tell your dad I'm living here, too?

Yeah, he didn't take my news so well,

so I was thinking that we never tell him

and I sneak you snacks like a pet turtle.

This is a nightmare,

but I have no options, so I am a turtle.

Hey! What are you guys doing in my fart chamber?

This is my room, and we left college to start our band.

Also, what? Wait.

Does this mean Lainey's back

and she threw away her future, too?

My God, is Lainey all you care about?

Yes!

Other than losing my fart chamber,

things are finally going my way!

We should air this place out.

And so Barry raced off to win back the love of his life

in the most mature, subtle way possible.

Oh, no! No! No! No!

Good to see you, too, Mr. Lewis.

I hear Lainey dropped out of college.

Horrible timing, Barry!

First you drop out and break my heart,

and now you bring this back into my life?

Dark cloud, silver lining... I hear ya.

Anyhoo, I'm here to ask your daughter to prom

'cause she just dropped out of college and all.

Please stop reminding him that I dropped out of college!

Is all of this just to hurt me?

Is that what this is? Dad, go feed the fish.

So good to see his ol' mug again.

Barry, my life is in utter chaos,

and you're here for some dumb prom?

And possibly marriage. Just floating that out there.

Is that a yes to both? It's a no!

Everything's a mess right now.

I'm not even sure my dad will let me stay here.

So, you really don't wanna go to prom with me or elope to Kokomo?

I don't have time to deal with this high-school drama.

If you need a date so bad, just go with that girl

that always says "hey" in the hall.

I don't want to go with Jamie Weisman!

She was just a stall until you came back.

My life is stalling!

I was gonna do amazing things

like take a pottery class or talk to that lady

that hoses down the trucks at work.

No one says you can't talk to the hose woman, Dad!

Keep feeding the fish. I'm sorry, Bar.

I just can't deal with us right now.

Take your time. But before I go,

tell me once and for all if you're gonna be my forever lady.

I'll field this one. Tell me.

There we go.

While Barry's romantic plan bit the dust,

Erica was learning what it meant to be a starving artist.

**

Whatcha working on there? Black n' white cookie? Looks fresh.

Help yourself. I... I got a dozen.

Hold on!

No black n' white cookies unless you pay for it.

I bet that chews up real nice.

This is hard to watch.

I think it's delightful.

Pet-store janitor, gas-station attendant, fish scaler?

Yep, back before you could post a resume on LinkedIn,

the only way to find a job was in this crazy thing called a newspaper.

This one says "Wanted: Lady."

You don't wanna call that number.

I know!

This whole situation is poop.

There is no world where I am gonna sit by

and watch my baby become a fishmonger

or take a job as a lady.

Bevy, she's been at it for two days.

Erica will find her way.

Or even better, I find her way for her.

Don't do that. Murray put his foot down.

Which was great, and now it's my job