Date and Switch

When I was born, I had a thousand legs

Soon I'll be dancing on a different stage

I'll go to sleep inside a silk cocoon

And be reborn into the afternoon

Good singing. Really good shit.

We're not supposed to curse. We're doing a play.

I'm just saying, it's good shit.

Deep down I know I have to turn the page

But I wonder

Will I miss my legs?

I've never, ever been so proud.

Honey, there's Matty.

Oh, look at him.

Oh, he's a natural performer.

- Oh. - Oh.

Shit.

I don't wanna sing anymore.

Watch this.

- That's different. - Oh, no, no, no.

Come on. Come on. Let's get out of here.

Later, motherfuckers!

We'll edit that out. Still proud.

Whoo!

Can't I just go see a nice musical without it turning into something gay?

Hey, nothing illegal or unprotected tonight. Promise?

- Dad, that's gross. - I'm talking about sex.

You wrap that rascal. Make sure you put a condom on your penis.

- Dad. - All right, bye, Dad.

- That is a damn fine shirt you got on. - Yeah, you like it?

Might get a girl pregnant with that shirt.

Well, I usually take my shirt off first but, you know.

If you meet some nice girls, party them hard.

- I will. See you. - All right, kiddo. Go get them.

We be the highest-ranking

Super-stanking

Filling up the bank With Benjamin Franklins

Watch me do my thing, the B-boy Batarang with the gold tooth swing

I'm strange, But it ain't the same

Propane in the game And I blow your brain

Watch me swing and swing And hang, orangutan

My-my beat's like a bangarang

You got to move your feet And prove to me

You got the beat, Reveal your inner freak

Yeah.

A shake isn't a sauce, man.

Oh, no. See, anything can be a sauce if you put it on something else.

- Open up your mind. - Whatever, I'm not worried about it.

See, those are the kinds of girls we need to be going out with.

What would you say to that girl right there if she came up to you right now?

Hi. Hello.

You're terrific, appearance-wise...

and I would like to take you out for a food or beverage situation.

- Damn, that's smooth. - Mm-hm.

- You been working on your game? - Obviously.

It's apparent.

I've been going out with Ava eight months and feel like more of a virgin...

than before we started dating, if it's possible.

Oh, it is. You're like a super virgin. You make other virgins look like huge sluts.

And so do you. And we need to fix that, dude.

We are due. We deserve adult, mature, grown-up sexual relationships.

Yes.

- What toy did you get? - I got Shelly the Crab.

Well, I got the punching crunching robot dudes.

- Oh, no. - Take him out.

Hit him with the left. Knock him out. Knock him out.

Boom, boom, boom.

- Ladies. - Dorks.

I like you a lot.

Um, especially your body and the hotness of that body.

You're a class act.

Potential wife material, if you were, like, 45 years old, all dried-up and shit.

And that's the problem. This relationship's not progressing quickly enough...

- ...physically speaking. - Look at you and then look at me.

You know, you're beautiful, and I'm just kind of a mess.

Are you breaking up with me because I won't have sex with you?

You call it sex, I call it a physical expression of our bond.

I haven't showered in six days.

Like Indians becoming blood brothers...

or football teammates getting matching tattoos.

Except sex isn't as permanent as a tattoo.

It's, like, nine minutes, tops. In and out, like a cat burglar.

It's just...

That's what I am to you, a hole for you to go in and out of?

No, no, no. I value the person built around that hole.

- What? - I'm really sorry.

Ugh, okay. I get it.

- Are we okay? Yeah? - Mm-hm.

Can I get a little hug going on here?

You can be a real asshole, you know that?

I could get any fucking guy I want. I am so much hotter than you.

Do you even fucking realize how hot I am?

Whoa, whoa, not the gummy bears.

Why don't you go outside and chill out for a sec?

Fuck you. Why don't you guys fucking blow each other?

It's the most action you're ever gonna get anyway.

How was your breakup?

I can't believe we wasted so much time with them.

The high school chapter of our sexual lives is rapidly coming to a close.

We need to begin phase two.

We need to get our dicks wet by prom.

Hm. I don't approve of that language.

I'm going crazy, dude. Eighteen years of nothing.

I don't wanna wake up 20 years from now with regrets.

"Hey, buddy, sorry I didn't put you in more things."

- Oops. - Whoa, heh!

Man. That is a metric ton of weed. Shit.

If we eat that whole brownie we're gonna immediately grow dreadlocks.

We should go to cooking school and learn how to make weed cuisine.

I'm talking, like, leg of lamb with, like, a weed reduction sauce or some shit.

Dude. Oh, what? I have a genius idea.

We should save this brownie and eat it as a reward for getting laid at prom.

Okay. So it's like our pot at the end of the rainbow?

Except instead of a pot full of gold, it's a pot full of pot.

- Yeah, I think that was implied. - I got it all planned out.

We go to prom, have sex, eat this brownie...

be high for a week straight, then we go to college.

People will be like, "Those two guys are so awesome."

- "They're definitely not virgins." - Yeah.

Then we move back here, we get, like, dead-end jobs...

we retire and we fucking die.

- Time it right, we make it a double funeral. - Oh, my God. That's a great plan.

Yeah.

- Isn't your dad gonna see this? - He's a pussycat. He'll love it.

And he's got a new girlfriend now, so he's a happy boy.

All right, man, um...

I'm gonna head out, but I will see you tomorrow at band practice.

- All right, dude. - All right.

Hey, you wanna go for a drive?

Um, I was just gonna go to sleep after finishing this pair of tits.

No, eh, um, we should definitely go for a drive.

- Yo, is something wrong, dude? - No.

Just going for a drive.

All right, listen, man.

All this talking we've been doing...

like, about sex and the future and, like, the rest of our lives and all that shit...

has got me feeling a little guilty.

- Why? - Look, you're my best friend.

- You know that. - Heh.

And so, I owe this to you.

Yeah, man. What is it?

I'm a gay dude.

What?

I'm a gay dude.

Like, I'm a gay?

Like "gay" gay?

Like, "dicks and butts" gay? Or like, "retarded" gay...

like, "Man, Nicolas Cage movies are gay"?

No, like, "I'm a dude who's attracted to other dudes" gay.

- What? No, you're just a dude. - No, exactly. A gay dude.

I mean, fuck, you're all out of shape and shit.

Oh, really? Yeah, no, dude, I fucking know.

Look, I'm not into curtains, I've never watched the Tonys.

I'm never gonna wear, like, a deep V-neck T-shirt, but I am gay.

When did you first realize this? Like, is this a recent development?

No. Fuck no.

You remember when we were kids, 6 or 7 years old...

we used to give that guy sandwiches through the fence at school?

Yeah, yeah. That guy was a homeless guy.

Yeah, and I kind of had a crush on him.

- You were gay for the homeless guy? - He was ruggedly handsome.

You wanted to fuck a hobo when you were 7, that's what you're telling me?

That's what I'm telling you.

I wanted to feel the touch of his dirty hobo hands.

This is crazy.

I mean, you've dated more girls than I have.

That's more of a you problem.

You tell Em? Did you tell her before you told me?

Yeah. Yeah. Look, dude, she's super cool.

I don't wanna fuck up her life with unnecessary falsehoods.

Wow, fuck.

- You're a gay dude. - Yeah.

- I'm a gay dude. - Are you sure?

Know what? I'll think about it for another 18 years and I'll get back to you.

- Yes, I'm sure. - All right.

Well, shit, the whole brownie thing's out the window.

- No. - Probably wouldn't have broken up...

with Ava without our whole big plan. She's hot.

Yeah, and so out of your league.

Dude, have you seen her boobs and her stomach area?

Like, her stomach is almost as hot as her boobs.

Right? Can you even wrap your brain around that?

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's a tight stomach.

I don't know what to tell you. Like, it's nice.

No, no, no. Dude, this is fine. It's good.

- I get it. You like dicks now. - Yeah.

You are a man who aspires to handle the scrotums of other men in his free time.

Listen, I haven't got that far. I don't really know how I feel about scrotums.

Look, all I know...

- ...is that this has to stay a secret. - Yeah.

I'm not ready for, like, the big gay coming-out shit.

- Know what I mean? - Sure. Yeah.

And seriously, you can tell me, like, are we cool?

Yeah, dude. You're my best friend, man.

Everything's...

- it's cool, man. - Yeah?

Hey, man, um, I know I dropped a big fat fucking gay bomb on you tonight.

I don't know if things ended right or whatever...

but, uh, look, dude, I don't want shit to be awkward or weird, you know?

Not that it would be.

But, um, you should give me a call when you get this.