Oh, God!

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

JER, CLEAN OR DIRTY?

MARGINAL.

NO, IT'S NOT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU USE THAT THING.

I MEAN, IF IT'S FOR ME, IT'S NOT NECESSARY.

OF COURSE, I DO LIKE TO WATCH YOU USE IT.

I KNOW.

LISTEN, I THINK WE SHOULD WAIT

WITH THE POWDER ROOM, THEN, HUH?

NOPE. NO MORE WAITING FOR TOILETS.

I JUST DON'T LIKE TO SEE YOU WORRYING

ABOUT LOANS AND MORTGAGES, THAT'S ALL.

THEN DON'T LOOK.

JER, I JUST DON'T THINK

THAT WE SHOULD SPEND THAT KIND OF MONEY--

NO MORE THINKING TONIGHT.

LET'S WATCH TV.

WAS THERE ANY GOOD MAIL TODAY?

OH, A COUPLE OF JUNK,

SOME BILLS, AND A LETTER FOR YOU.

HUH.

READ THIS.

"GOD GRANTS YOU AN INTERVIEW,

"1600 NORTH HOPE ST., LOS ANGELES, CA., ROOM 2700,

TOMORROW AT 11 A.M."

IT'S A GAG.

NO STAMP, NO RETURN ADDRESS.

PRETTY CRAZY GAG.

IT'S AN AD.

FOR WHAT?

FOR GOD OVEN CLEANER OR GOD DETERGENT.

I DON'T KNOW.

NOBODY WOULD DARE.

AIR BALL.

ARTIE COOGAN.

WHAT?

ARTIE COOGAN.

THAT'S IT.

OH, YEAH.

ARTIE, CRAZY ARTIE.

NO. AN ENGLISH TEACHER WOULDN'T MISSPELL INTERVIEW.

WELL, NEITHER WOULD GOD.

WELL, I CAN'T MEET HIM TOMORROW, ANYWAY.

I'VE GOT TO MEET THE DISTRICT PRODUCE MANAGER.

SORRY, GOD.

2 POINTS.

DID WE MAKE LOVE LAST NIGHT?

MM-HMM.

MM-HMM. JUST CHECKING.

WELL, KEEP CHECKING.

I LOVE YOU.

HONEY, IT'S SO LATE.

WHERE'S 2 POINTS?

HUH.

WATCH YOUR HANDS, NORMAN.

OH! WE WERE JUST--

GOOD MORNING, MR. McCARTHY.

I'M SORRY TO BE LATE, SIR.

LANDERS. HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

IS THIS HOW YOU'VE INSTRUCTED YOUR STAFF

TO PREPARE ROMAINE LETTUCE FOR DISPLAY?

MR. McCARTHY, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING AT,

AND I HAD THE SAME ARGUMENT

WITH THE LAST DISTRICT MANAGER.

PLEASE ANSWER.

YES, I DO.

AH.

NOW, WHY WOULD ANYONE BUY THAT

WHEN THEY COULD GET THIS

FOR THE SAME PRICE?

MR. McCARTHY,

IF I PUT THIS HEAD OF LETTUCE IN THE BIN,

IT'S GOING TO STAY THERE ALL DAY.

IT'LL BE THERE TOMORROW AND THE NEXT DAY AND THE NEXT,

AND WE'RE GONNA WIND UP THROWING IT AWAY.

OUR OTHERS STORES--

YOUR OTHER STORES DO NOT HAVE A RALPH'S UP THE STREET

AND A LUCKY MARKET RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER

WHO TRIM EVEN CLOSER THAN I DO.

NOW, I KNOW MY CUSTOMERS, MR. McCARTHY.

I SEE.

LANDERS?

I ALSO NOTICED THAT YOU HAVEN'T

BEEN OILING YOUR CUKES.

WH-WHAT?

WHY HAVEN'T YOU BEEN OILING YOUR CUKES?

OH, UH...

WELL, IT TAKES TIME, IT TAKES OIL.

IT'S DISHONEST, MR. McCARTHY.

DISHONEST?

UH, SIR,

THERE'S AN INTERVIEW THAT I--

OUR COMPANY HAS CERTAIN POLICIES, WHICH YOU--

MR. McCARTHY, I HAVE AN INTERVIEW WITH GO--

YOU HAVE A WHAT?

UH, I...

WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

STAY.

WHAT IS THIS?

YOU'RE RIGHT ON TIME.

I LIKE THAT.

CLOSE THE DOOR.

WHO ARE YOU?

YOU READ THE NOTE.

WHO'S THAT, ARTIE?

GOD.

COME ON, ARTIE.

NO, IT'S ME, GOD.

GOD?

RIGHT, GOD.

GOD ALMIGHTY.

BIG G.

IT'S NOT A GAG, I PROMISE.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I-I'VE GOT THIS LOAD OF PLUMS COMING IN.

LET THE PLUMS WAIT.

HOW OFTEN DO YOU TALK WITH GOD?

PRACTICALLY NEVER.

HOW DO I KNOW YOU'RE GOD?

I MEAN, ALL I HEAR IS A VOICE ON AN INTERCOM.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SEE ME.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE.

THAT'S NO ANSWER.

SUE ME.

IF YOU'RE GOD...

YEAH?

IF YOU'RE REALLY GOD...

YEAH, YEAH?

IF I'M REALLY GOD, WHAT?

YOU LEAVING?

RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

WHERE ARE YOU LEAVING?

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHERE DO I THINK I AM?

RIGHT HERE IS WHERE I AM, THAT'S WHERE.

AND WHERE IS HERE?

1600 NORTH HOPE STREET, ROOM 2700.

JERRY.

HUH?

THERE'S NO ROOM 27OO IN THIS BUILDING.

THERE'S NO 27th FLOOR HERE.

I THOUGHT THIS WAY WE'D HAVE A LITTLE PRIVACY.

CHECK IT OUT.

GO AHEAD, I'LL WAIT.

UH, SIR?

YES, SIR?

H-H-HOW DO I GET TO THE, UH, 27th FLOOR?

IN THIS BUILDING? YEAH.

I'M AFRAID YOU'D NEED A CAN OPENER.

WE ONLY HAVE 17 FLOORS.

17.

HUH.

HAVE A NICE RIDE?

COME IN. COME IN.

CL-CLOSE THE DOOR.

SIT DOWN.

GO AHEAD.

RELAX.

DON'T SMOKE.

I DON'T.

GOOD.

TOBACCO WAS ONE OF MY BIG MISTAKES.

MISTAKES?

YOU TRY.

OSTRICHES WERE A MISTAKE.

SILLY-LOOKING THINGS.

AVOCADOS--

MADE THE PIT TOO BIG.

LIKE I SAY, YOU TRY.

YOU STILL DON'T BELIEVE IT?

ARTIE, IF THIS IS YOU, MAN, YOU WIN.

I MEAN, THIS IS THE BEST GAG YOU'VE EVER PULLED.

I'M NOT ARTIE.

I WENT TO A LOT OF TROUBLE TO MAKE IT

A COMFORTABLE INTERVIEW.

YOU MISSPELLED IT, YOU KNOW.

WHAT? INTERVIEW.

IN YOUR NOTE.

IT'S, UH...

IT'S "I" BE--

IT'S "I" BEFORE "E."

GIVE ME A BREAK.

A FEW THINGS I GOT RIGHT.

I PUT SUMMER BEFORE WINTER,

DIDN'T I?

YOU'RE SCARED.

WELL, SURE.

AW, BUT, LOOK, IF THIS IS A JOKE, IT'S GONE TOO FAR.

IT'S NO JOKE.

HOW COME YOU'VE GOT SUCH A...

I MEAN, JUST A VOICE, LIKE EVERYBODY'S?

EMPATHY.

I'M TALKING TO YOU IN A WAY YOU CAN ACCEPT.

I'M RELATING.

I DON'T LIKE TO BRAG,

BUT IF I APPEARED TO YOU JUST AS GOD--

HOW I REALLY AM, WHAT I REALLY AM--

YOUR MIND COULDN'T GRASP IT.