Robot Chicken DC Comics Special III: Magical Friendship

I know you said dressing on the side, but I got a little excited

DC approved!

They're just two best buds

Friendship is complex

Crime ain't gonna stop 'em from Metropolis to Gotham

Wearing capes on their necks

Well, one has an "S"

And you know one has a bat

One bangs a reporter

And the other bangs a chick who's a... cat

Oh, saving the day having assloads of fun

The alien is stronger 'cause of our yellow sun

They're two best buds they're inseparable friends

They're never gonna argue over whose penis is longer 'Cause they're bros to the end

It's the "Robot Chicken DC Comics Special 3... Magical Friendship!"

This is a nice ride, Batman

- Real leather? - Bat skin

It's expensive, but, you know, billionaire

I get the theme, but that seems a little cruel

I hate bats, you should see the cave when Alfred goes on vacation

- Guano everywhere... 'em - Learning something about my buddy

It's good to catch up like this how was your time in space?

Ah, you know, had to clear out some Daxamites hiding on Saturn

- You ever get out to Saturn? - No, I can't survive in space

Oh, right, because you don't have any powers

Well, turns out Saturn's a lot like Daxam

- You ever realize that? - I've never been to Daxam

Oh, right, because you don't have any powers

Well, as I'm rounding them up one goes, wait, this isn't Daxam?"

And I...

And I go, "do you think the west continent was still celebrating Lord Daxam's third age"

"you filthy Daxamite?" Get it?

- I said I've never been to Daxam - Well, guess you had to be there

How long till the hall of justice?

What was the name of that show that was just like "Knight Rider" except with a motorcycle?

I think Frank Fontana from "Murphy Brown" was in it? You remember that?

- Oh, "Street Hawk" - "Street Hawk"

"Street Hawk"!

So, the Legion of Doom is targeting the strategic oil reserves

Wait, sorry, who's the new guy?

That's the newest member of the Justice League...

- Guy with a rock - Hey, pleased to meet you

- This guy's a superhero? - Of course

- And just what are his powers? - Show him, Guy with a rock

- Hyah! - Yeah! All right!

So "Guy with a rock" is just a guy with a rock?

Hey, G-rock has been thoroughly vetted

Damn it, Superman, is this more of your "hilarious" commentary

- on how I have no powers? - Hey, hey, this isn't all about you

Green Arrow is also a powerless muggle

What?! "F" you in the "A"! I'm out of here!

Damn door is stuck again!

- Hyah! - Damn it!

Here's your hundred bucks, well spent

You know, I could really use steady employment

- So if there's... - Just get out of here!

Ding, ding

We now return to "Grumpy Cat's worst Christmas ever"

Christmas is ruined, meow, meow

Hey, Batman, what's this locked file?

I suppose it's time I shared this secret with you, Robin

I keep a dossier on every superhero

- Oh, like birthdays, allergies? - No, Robin, how to kill them

Superman has been Earth's greatest champion... just ask him

But if he turned evil, it could mean Earth's total annihilation

That's why I built this...

a batarang fashioned from his one weakness... Kryptonite

I pray never to have to use it

Anyway, that's lunch so you want Subway today or...

What about the other heroes?

The key to stopping the fastest man alive... misdirection

Well, I'm out

Fire is his one weakness!

Yeah, fire is everyone's weakness, it's... fire

- But I don't have enough cash - We'll work something out... wink, wink

Oops! That belongs in a different folder!

Ooh, what about my file?! Why's my file empty?

Uh, anyway, that's lunch, Shakey's or...

No, Batman, I want to know!

If I turned evil, what ingenious plan have you devised in order...

- Ow! I give up, I give up! - Just kind of like that

Ma, I got here as quickly as I could!

- What's the emergency?! - Hello, Superman

Or should I say Kal-El?

You are Kal-El, right? Son of Jor-El and Lara

I'm Transar, I'm a private investigator from Krypton

I've been looking for you all over the universe for many, many years

What? No, no, Krypton was destroyed

I'm really sorry to tell you this, Krypton is fine

You see, your parents were in the middle of a nasty divorce

and your mom's lawyer, a woman by the name of Bar-El... no relation...

well, she's a hell of a divorce lawyer

And so your dad kept threatening to put you in a rocket

and blast you off into space if your mom didn't back off

Nobody believed he'd really do it I mean, every once in a while

you read about one of these custody battles

Where a parent kills their own kid as a way of hurting the other parent

but obviously something that horrific is pretty rare

But on the day of the mediation no one could find Jor-El

And your mom's attorney asked Jor-El's attorney

a guy named Braun-El... again, no relation

She asked Braun-El where the hell Jor-El was

You see, everyone had agreed to meet on a time that Jor-El had insisted on...

at like 11:00 in morning or 10:00...

whatever, it makes no difference I don't know why I told you that part

So anyway, they're all standing in the driveway in front of the house, you know

and everyone's wondering where is Jor-El

And then they hear someone shout, "hey, you dumb bitch!"

Sorry for the blue language ma'am, that's what he said

And they all look up, and standing on the balcony is your dad

And he's holding a remote-control thingie and he says, "hey, you dumb bitch!"

Again, I'm sorry, ma'am those were his words

"You can have the house and the car but you can't have the... baby"

And he presses a button on the remote and a goddamn rocket lifts off from the roof

and you were in it I mean, it was unbelievable!

So, of course, you know they took him right to jail

And your mom's attorney hired me to go looking for you

And after searching half the goddamn universe, here we are

That's probably a lot of information to take in, isn't it?

If it's not too much trouble could I have another cup of coffee?

Come on! We'll be safe in this alley!

Bank robbers! Always looking for a safe!

Too bad Plastic Man's here to bounce your check

- Rubber Man! - Huh?

Plastic doesn't stretch, you're Rubber Man

The robber is referring to plastic as a noun

but plastic as an adjective for example in the name Plastic Man

means easily shaped or molded

That's also where the term plastic surgery comes from

Who are you talking to?

You're too late, detective

Once I enter the lazarus pit I'll become fully rejuvenated

But... wait, what?!

Okay, very funny! Now, help me out

Sure, let met just... oops!

That was funny for like a second I should have put a ladder in here

Hey, this thing's, like, four feet deep!

I'll kill you for this, mother...

Well, I just killed a baby

Uh, Mr. Cy Borg

- Oh, here - Oh, here

- Oh, my fallen parents, how I miss you - Batman, we've got to... oh

You're still doing this, huh?

It's called a day of mourning butthole, not 15 minutes

But you wouldn't know that because you've never lost anyone close to you

Not true! I lost Lois!

Then I turned back time by flying around the world and fixing everything!

Well, we don't all have that power, now, do we?

It's not about powers! It's about how much love is in your heart

- But... but... - Anyone can turn back time, even you

- Huh? For real? - You've just got to want it

- I do want it! - Then run! Run with your heart

Get out of my way!

I'm coming, mommy!

This seems really mean, Superman

You know, you're in his kill file, too

Yeah, you can do it, Batman! Faster!

Beware the Mighty Simon whose vast mental powers

allow him to control virtually anyone's mind

and move any object through his incredible telekinesis

Uh... 'kay

I hope we're not disturbing you

Someone's got to inspire you guys, right? Eh?

Yeah, my dead parents and your armpits really push me forward

Batman, take care with the cosmic treadmill

I use it to race beyond the limits of time and space

Don't worry, Flash

Batman's not gonna break any land speed records

- Move your dicks, I'm coming through! - Oh, gross, dude! Get a towel!

Huh, what?! Fire, fire! Everybody out! Fire alarm, people!

Oh, hello, citizens

- Whoa, is that Batman?! - I...

Hey, what the hell is that?!

Nothing... nothing to watch here! I'm just taking a stroll!

Uh, citizen, ma'am, good to see you hello, hello, yes, I am the Knight, hello

Mongul's war machine has killed thousands in El Salvador

Its next target appears to be...

Batman's balls!

Who the hell pulled the fire alarm?!

It's a regularly scheduled drill

Must not have CCed you on the old memo

Wait a minute! If you're Batman, who's this guy?

Hey, Batman was a no-show so I grabbed the janitor

One guy in a Batman costume is just as good as any other, right?

Okay, so the League ordered you into mandatory therapy, eh?

That's always fun for me

So, you two fight like cats and dogs... yes, would that be a fair way to put it?

- More like "bats and dogs", up high - What does that even mean?

Because bats rhymes with cats that's supposed to be a joke?!

See? He's just cranky

because I pointed out that a rich guy with no powers in a bat suit is cosplay

At Anime Expo, you're a dime a dozen

Cosplay? Anime Expo? Those aren't even words!

Just garbage falling out of the stupid square-jawed face of a super piece of shit!