Malcolm in the Middle

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Where did you come from, flubber?

"Hello, Hal."

# I'm so full of bacon, my body's meant for shakin'

# And when I start to wiggle, my nipples, they will jiggle #

Once again I have to be embarrassed for the both of us. Yep!

# Yes, no, maybe

# I don't know

# Can you repeat the question?

# You're not the boss of me now

# You're not the boss of me now

# You're not the boss of me now

# And you're not so big

# You're not the boss of me now

# You're not the boss of me now

# You're not the boss of me now

# And you're not so big

# Life is unfair #

Go straight to your job after school. I don't want you to be late on your first day. And no excuses!

I don't wanna hear, "A lion escaped from the zoo", or, "The bus driver went insane and refused to stop."

Francis's friend gave Reese a job at the Circus Burger. It's perfect.

Reese gets to be bossed around all day by the only guy on the planet that's dumber than he is.

This job is stupid! You do get to wear a paper hat.

You wanna drive, you have to pay your own insurance!

Everyone else is insured! Why me? They've got it covered.

Son, it's not as simple as that. You see...

Good morning, everybody! Say good morning, Charlie.

Show everyone how alive you are.

My parents made a deal with Dewey.

If he keeps his goldfish alive for two months, he gets a dog.

Am I doing a good job? You sure are.

(I don't know! He never feeds it. He leaves it in the sun for hours.)

Last week there was banana in it! I do not want a dog!

If the fish lives, there's nothing we can do! Hal, I expect you to take care of this.

What are you suggesting? I'm not suggesting anything.

I just want it taken care of.

Class, today we begin a new round of independent study projects.

Hydrostatic equilibrium?

My God, I'm still on integral quantisation.

My stepdad's right. I'm useless!

The cold, hard fact of life is some are more advanced than others.

Some even think they're more advanced than me. I never said that.

Yet you assume I'm talking about you. You're looking right at me!

You're convinced, by virtue of you being in this class,

your intellects tower above the plebeians wasting oxygen in the rest of the school.

But, to some, you are nothing more

than howling primates.

I'm excited to announce we're welcoming to our class a new student.

A young man of unparalleled intellect.

As near as we can measure, his IQ is over 280.

Those tests are culturally biased!

Think what you will. Your petty fears no longer concern me.

I finally have the mental clay worthy of my sculpting.

Barton is a white-hot comet of brilliance,

blazing through our dark corner of ignorance.

A mind of unfathomable reach and enormous power. Can I come in now?

I told you to wait till you heard, "A new era for man."

But there's a bee out there.

So, assistant manager. How? INS raid cleaned us out.

So, from 12 to 5, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday,

this is my domain.

I'm proof you don't need to graduate high school.

That's just propaganda from those money-grabbing diploma companies.

Sean, Doug, this is Reese. Hey. Hey.

OK. Press cow for burger, potato for fries.

I'm not sure what this is. Does that look like a pig or a dog to you?

Wouldn't it be easier to put words on the keys? Ah, a man of letters.

A word to the wise. I wouldn't throw that in anyone's face.

Once you get your total put the money in the drawer,

except pocket transactions. What's that?

A morale builder. Once in a while take 5 or 10 bucks.

Don't ring it up, put it in your pocket.

You don't have a problem with that, do you?

Oh, no. That's cool.

You've entered the working world.

A world of adult responsibility.

I have her locker key.

If you wanna smell her jacket later, let me know.

They found the last piece of that guy. Oh, man!

If we're sharing toilet paper,

can we keep it on the spindle?

If we're bringing this kinda stuff up, my fiancee's coming Thursday.

Fiancee? What are you taking about? I'm engaged.

I'm tired of playing the field.

You don't know any women. That occurred to me, too,

so I ordered one from Russia. A mail-order bride? That exists?

In the more irradiated parts of Russia there are lots of marriage-minded women.

That's my darling Svetlana.

Wait a second. Yep.

Svetlana.

How come you're driving us to school?

That's what moms do sometimes.

Argh!

OK, you know your Tolstoy and your Eliot...

Let's see how you do with the Bard.

"Every true man's apparel fits your thief."

Measure For Measure, Act 4, Scene 2. Could you hand me my green crayon?

Wow, he's right again. OK, let's try Chaucer's The Shipman's Tale.

Should I start with the prologue? Please. How about line 203?

"When your husband has gone off to Flanders, I shall deliver you

from fear of slanders, and on the word he caught her by the flanks

and clasped her closely, giving her a riot of kisses,

saying softly, 'Keep things quiet'" What are you doing? (ALL GASP)

Chaucer? I cannot believe you're polluting his mind

with such pop culture drivel!

I apologise for them, Barton.

I'll do everything I can to minimise these annoying distractions

so you can concentrate on the accelerated programme

I've laid out for you. Together we are gonna astonish the world.

Would you like a pixie stick? Thank you.

Having problems, Malcolm?

No, no, not you(!)

This stupid hydrostatic equilibrium doesn't make sense!

It is hard. But don't despair. I'm here for you.

I'll make sure you get the help you deserve.

To estimate the pressure at the sun's centre,

assume a constant density of 1.41 grams per cubic cm.

Too fast? Herkabe made you my tutor to humiliate me.

I thought it was to humiliate me. Why is this so hard?! Don't give up.

Remember The Little Engine That Could? You're not listening!

I get everything! There is nothing I haven't been able to master.

I took algebra in 6th grade! I rebuilt dad's transmission when I was five! I read before I could walk!

I remember my own birth. What?!

D'you know your heart stops during your mother's contractions?

You seriously remember that? Worst was the diaper changing.

That was the most degrading week of my life.

So, what's it like in there? Whaddya mean?

Well, your brain?

For me it's like, when I'm thinking really hard,

my brain starts making all these connections.

Those connections make other connections,

then it feels like a bomb's going off. Is yours like that?

More like a beehive. And every bee has a brain like yours.

OK, ready!

That is so cool! I wish you had a gun so we can really test this out.

Excuse me. Can I get some help here? Hi, Greg.

I overheard your mom talking and it's true. You've got a job.

I applied here once. Didn't get it.

It's all politics. I guess. Whaddya want? You to listen carefully.

My blood sugar's low so I don't wanna burn up calories repeating myself.

I want the jumbo clown burger with fries, no pickles,

a slice of onion, centre cut, and extra tomatoes.

Do the patie well on one side, medium on the other.

Make sure they open a fresh package for my bun. If it's stale I bale.

Seriously.

That comes to $5.45 and you get free refills on the soda.

Heard that one before. Turns out it's just for today.

What a sack!

That's a pocket transaction if I ever saw one.

Oh, yeah. Right.

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Artie, you throw one helluva bachelor party.

I'm just sorry the nearest stripper's 300 miles away.

Hey, how's she doin' anyway?

She took her top off!

Listen up! I'd like to say a few words about my mate Pete,

on account of his upcoming nuptials.