The Mindy Project

Welcome home, Prince Leo.

Behold, one day all this will be yours.

I hope you like property taxes, kid.

Oh, Danny, you're already making lame dad jokes.

I'll tell you what's a joke. The parking at that hospital.

- Danny? - Yeah?

Where's our TV? And my laptop, and our booze.

Oh, my God, we've been robbed.

No, we haven't been robbed.

- I baby proofed the place. - Baby proofed?

- Yeah. - More like fun-proofed.

Look, I read in an article that says kids

shouldn't watch screens until they're 18.

I was literally raised on TV, and I turned out perfect.

You have an attention span of 15 seconds.

What? Huh?

Hey, did you disable the wifi?

- Yep. - How am I gonna turn

my ill-informed mommy blog into a book of stolen recipes?

- That's my dream! - Look, it's gonna be hard

for me too. Giving up the Weather Channel

Especially in an El Nino year.

Yeah. You do love El Nino.

We're both in this together, okay?

Look at him. He's all that matters.

- I love this guy. - Hey, did you find my gun?

There's a gun in here?

No.

- Love you. - I love you, too.

Found it. It was in the toilet.

Danny, what does that mean?

A beautiful boy could only come from

such a beautiful mother?

Danny, I love that.

I'm gonna get that as a tramp stamp.

- Yeah? - That's gorgeous.

Come here.

How am I supposed to go back to work tomorrow?

Maybe I should take paternity leave.

Are you kidding me? Sex noises again?

- It's ridiculous. - The third time this week.

- It's disgusting. - I'm getting a UTI

just thinking about it.

You know what we used to do when we heard sex noises?

We would just turn the volume up on the TV, so maybe...

We should go next door and talk to her

because we're not bringing back the TV.

- Yes. Great idea. - But... but...

- Let's do it. Come on, babe. - Okay.

Just one sec, guys.

Just fool around with each other for a minute, okay?

- Yeah? - Can you quiet it down?

This is a family building, not the last days of Rome.

Yeah, yeah, you guys are the old married couple

- that live next door. - I'm sorry, old?

No, no, no, no. Him, maybe. Not me.

I'm essentially a child bride.

Okay, regardless, this is a family building,

so can you dial it down a couple of shades of Grey?

Okay, so I have to sit and listen

to your baby cry all night?

I'd rather die than dial anything down

for a couple of smug breeders because in six months

when you guys move out to Scarsdale

and you get fat and you die, I'm gonna be here

partying with the anorexic gay couple that moves in, okay?

- Okay, all right. - All right.

Oh.

Okay, so we agreed, no screens,

no junk food till he's done breastfeeding,

and no going outside till he gets his vaccinations.

Except to go to the movies with him,

which is fine because I'm ethnic.

No, New York City is the greatest city in the world,

but it's a vile cesspool of disease.

We invented AIDS.

Take that, San Fran.

Okay. I can stay inside.

Although I did email TMZ that I'd be leaving the house today.

And most important, keep this nearby

so Leo doesn't forget Papa.

That's sweet, but we are saying "daddy" and "mommy."

None of this, like, Papa, Mama,

European bull jive, okay? We're Americans.

No.

Mi familia.

Okay, you're getting very Italian

and very emotional this morning.

You guys... I love you guys so much.

- Yeah. - I love you.

I love you, too.

Ciao Bella.

Go out and make us some money, okay?

I have very expensive habits.

- I'll call you in five minutes. - Bye, babe.

So as of now, we no longer take the API insurance,

but we do take Steve Harvey brand insurance.

So nice of you to finally join us, Dr. Castellano.

Or should I say, proud Papa Castellano.

Bring it in. Bring it in.

Hey, where's Dr. L?

Oh, wait, let me guess. She's at home with that baby.

She's with Leo, yeah. They're doing great.

Not that anyone's asking. She should be back

about, I don't know, 8 to 12 weeks.

Oh, that must be nice.

I didn't get any time off when my dog had puppies.

- You took two weeks off. - I only needed one.

I totally get it. I recently missed an important lunch

because I was admiring a butter-yellow dandelion

that had forced its way through a pavement crack.

That's a weird new attitude.

Yeah, Dr. Reed's been in a real good mood

since he started getting it on the reg.

On the reg with Whitney?

Well...

She knows you're going out, right?

Indeed she does, Danny.

And I'm as happy as a prawn in sauce.

Hey, Dr. R., since you're in such a good-ass mood,

I was wondering if we could revisit my request

for a "TLC Tuesdays" dress code?

TLC Tuesdays?

You know, like, I don't want no scrubs

to wear on my body.

No scrubs. Well, that could be fun.

Oh, my God. Thank you!

It will so not interfere with work.

I just need the next two hours off

- to plan what I'm going to wear. - Get outta here.

I was planning on making an Irish exit here,

but since you're in such a good mood,

what the hell? And my wife took me back.

So I'm quitting and going back to Philly to be with her.

Adrian, that is fantastic news.

No way, no. No, no, no, no.

That's not fantastic.

No. If he quits, there's only two doctors here.

More importantly, if he quits,

I'm the only single guy in the office.

Me. The cute one.

Don't get in the way of love.

Oh, my little buddy, Leo, is up.

What kind of trouble are we gonna get in today?

Any drama? Any fun excitement?

Nothing?

Oh, my God, Danny. There's an emergency!

What? Wha... wha... wha... wha... Is Leo okay?

Is he okay? What's going on?

I'm so bored.

- For God's sake. - Danny, I have no internet.

I have no TV. Did you know that Leo's not even

gonna talk until he's 12 months old?

Yes, we're doctors. You didn't know that?

I'm an OB-GYN, pal. I'm not a pedo-atrician.

How can you be bored?

Our baby's like a work of art.

It's like being at the Guggenheim all day.

Do not bring up the Guggenheim.

Remember they kicked me out for tripping and falling

all the way down the spiral?

I was worried this might happen,

so I left you a care package. It's in our closet.

A care package? In the closet?

- Mindy? - Thank you, Danny!

All right.

Leo, your daddy gave me a present.

Ugh! Books? Come on, dude.

Okay...

What do we got here? Ahem.

"Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean."

Okay, this is hitting a little too close to home.

Now, let's...

"The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn."

Certainly has a lot of the N-word like a Kanye song.

Oh, no, but it has a message like a Common song.

No, thank you.

Hmm. I hear this one's pretty good.

Very violent.

How can a book with this many Jews in it

not have a single joke?

So, how are we feeling these days, Mr. Reese?

There you go.

My husband left a year ago

and I've only recently felt like I'm ready to love again.

Me and you both, sister, 'cause I'm single

and I'm looking for a nice girl to take care of.

Well, you know, we're kind of in the same boat.

It might be fun if you and I...

Shh! Quiet. Quiet. Stop, stop.

That's Dr. L's ring.

Okay.

Hey, Dr. L, I guess you butt dialed me.

I'm gonna hand up on myself. So sorry to waste your time.

Wait, no, Morgan. Don't hang up.

- Hello? - I called you on purpose.

What's going on in the office?

This is a social call?

Yeah, this is a social call.

Waited my whole life for this.