It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

So what if I didn't go to college?

John McClane didn't go to college.

He defeats the bad guys using street smarts, and I got street

smarts. Mac, you do realize

John McClane's a fictional character who's voicing lines

written by screenwriters who almost certainly went to

college. Yeah, but Bruce Willis

dropped out of college, and that supports Mac's argument.

Yeah! Uh, no it doesn't, Dee.

And the fact that you can't understand that leads me to

believe that you are complete and total dum-dum, and therefore

are not going to get selected for this intelligence

experiment. Welcome, everybody, and thank

you for volunteering in this intelligence experiment.

I'm afraid, however, that we can only use one test subject.

I-I'm sorry, before you continue, um, I noticed you said

"volunteering," which implies a lack of compensation.

Volunteering's for suckers. Yes, the selected subject

will receive $1,000 in compensation.

There you go. That's what we're talking!

That's more like it. Okay, and listen, when it comes

to intelligence, I think you'll find that I am your man.

Or perhaps a man is not what you're looking for at all.

I'm afraid my friend Dennis confuses book learning with

brainpower. But you and me, we know

different, huh? Uh, "you and I."

What? No, not you and I. Him and I, idiot.

In case I was being unclear, nerds, I will bang one or both

of you. Dee, this man is smart enough

to know to avoid a proposition like that from someone like you.

To be clear, we're not looking for a subject with

superior intelligence. In fact, the complete opposite

would be, um, uh, preferable. Excuse me for a minute.

I'm sorry, wait, wait! That's a... sorry.

What are you doing? I was gonna bash

your rat and take care of your rat problem.

Oh, no, no, no, no, please, please, this is, this is our lab

rat. His name's Armitage Shanks.

If he solves the maze, he gets the cheese.

And since we've been feeding Armitage a cerebral enhancement

formula, he's been solving these mazes seven times faster.

We'd like to try a formula out on a human subject.

What would you think about something like that?

A pill that could make you seven times smarter.

Cheese, huh?

Yeah, all right.

Ow! Shit!

What's your name, young man?

It's Charlie.

Hold up, dude, I want to get

this cheese here.

Aah! Shit!

Why don't you try the cheese

under the green light, Charlie?

I want this cheese.

Aah!

Ladies and gentlemen, we have found our test subject.

Thank you all very much for coming.

Aw, Frank, you're intruding

upon my education.

This is crazy, Charlie.

That's crazy.

Aw, shut up.

Whoa, what the hell is this?

What are you doing, man?

Well, I'm trying to learn

Mandarin and listen to Beethoven

at the same time.

You see, I just realized that I

have two ears, so it's a waste

to only listen to one thing.

Let me guess this straight.

You just realized that you have

two ears?

Taking a pill is not gonna make you smarter, Charlie.

I don't know about that, Frank.

I've listened to five books on tape already this morning, five.

Charlie, come on, any idiot can listen to books on tape.

You're only doing that because you can't read, all right?

Trust me, if you're feeling any smarter, it's just a classic

case... ... of the placebo

effect. I considered that, but I

don't think that's it, Dennis. Whatever, you don't even know

what the word placebo... Placebo means from the Latin

"placebo," meaning "I shall please."

I listened to a chapter on that this morning.

This is... Such bullshit?

I wasn't gonna say... Gonna say that?

Dude, just because you're finishing our sentences, doesn't

make you s-s-s... Intelligent.

Oh!

Guys, guys, we've got a huge problem back there.

Ugh, big rat, like the biggest ever in the back office.

Uh, that sounds like Charlie work, so, Charlie, why don't you

hop on that, and be smart about it.

Good pleasantry, cute. How about no?

What do you mean "no"? How about you kill the rat?

You know what, that might occupy you guys for about a week or so,

and that'll give me some time to continue my education in peace.

That be nice. Let's do that. What are you talking about?

A week? To kill a rat? Wh-wh-what kind of a genius rat

are we talking about? You have to be a real moron

to get outsmarted by a rat, dude.

Well, bonjours, killing the the rat, my friends.

You're... Oh, and then I realized,

Tang See, that these so-called friends of mine have been

exploiting my labor for years. An astute observation.

Conforms with Marxist theories about the exploitation of the

proletariat. It completely conforms when

you think about it. Ah, Tang See, these-these

pills are having quite an effect on me.

And the combination with my readings is really leading me

into some rather large ideas. I think I could be on the verge

of something groundbreaking. Yes.

The work you're proposing will revolutionize the field.

Exactly, right? Now, Tang See, let's-let's talk

for a second. What do you think my IQ is now?

And be honest. Well, what do you think it

is? 175?

Wow. You know. Probably, yeah.

Now, I'm thinking if I were to double the dosage, I could break

200 easily. You have to be careful,

Charlie. This is uncharted waters here.

Have you been having any side effects?

Yes. Okay, yes. There's-there's been a-a slight

ringing in my ears. My-my legs grow numb from time

to time. I ache all over if I'm being

honest, but...

I got Mongolian barbecue and Police Academy: Mission to

Moscow. Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank,

I got to stop you. Uh, tonight is really not the

best night for that, so I'm sorry, man.

But, Charlie, it's Gruesome Twosome Tuesday.

Yeah, uh, I know it is, pal, but...

What? I'm-I'm on the verge of

something really groundbreaking here and I-I really shouldn't be

playing these childish games anymore, nor should you.

We're the Gruesome Twosome. You don't have to keep

saying that, I know...

The sound effects won't help you.

The Gruesome Twosome.

They don't further your argument in any way.

You speak Mandarin? Well, I do think I'm getting

it a little bit.

Hey, Mac, Mac, I've located

him-- he's right near the hole. Oh, good, let me bash him!

No, no, no... (shushes) Oh, goddamn it.

He scurried away. All right, well, when he

comes back, I'm gonna smash him up good.

No, no, Mac, come on. We're smarter than that.

That's just gonna spread rat blood and disease all over the

place. It's not about brute force.

It's about seduction. See, I'm gonna place some

enticing tunes for the little guy.

And then I'm gonna bait this glue trap with some Brie cheese.

yet? Any minute now, Dee.

I'm telling you, glue traps are barbaric and messy.

I have come up with the intelligent solution.

Ultrasonic rodent repellant. It emits a high-pitched sound

that obliterates their teeny rat eardrums.

Stupid rats. Uh, those things don't work,

Dee. Oh, no?

Okay, how about we do a little wager.

The rat gets trapped to your glue trap and you win.

The rat scurries away and never comes back again, then I am

crowned the smartest in the... Oh, God, gross.

Is that cheese? Get it off me!

Get it off, I'm st... I'm stuck to your glue!

You guys! You've trapped yourself on a

trap that was designed for a rodent with a brain the size of

a walnut. Now a normal-size woman would

probably just be able to slide her hand right out, but with

those giant man hands... Yeah, you really don't stand

a chance, Dee. Okay, I get it.

Do you hear that?

I hear it-- oh, God, it's coming!

It's coming to eat its cheese. You guys, help!

Odd that it hasn't been repelled by your supersonic rat

scarer, Dee. Guys! It's on me!

It's on my hand! Oh, it's climbing up my hand to

eat the cheese. Now, where this gets

interesting is when the rat finishes the cheese.

Ooh, yes, maybe it'll nibble her hand down to a tiny, bloody

stump, then she could just slide it right out.

Hey. Ah, goddamn it, it's gone.

It ate its cheese and then ran away.

It didn't get stuck to the glue. Huh, maybe this rat is a

little bit smarter than we gave it credit for, Mac.

Hmm.

He is whatever, I mean, is he okay? Sure.

Is he fine? He's fine.

All I'm saying is that Stephen Hawking is much more of a Lady

Gaga than, you know, Johann Sebastian Bach.

He-he's not, he's a pop culture figure like the Kardashians, you

know? Hmm.

God.

Are you all right? Yes, that's the shooting

pain in the eye. Jot that down, please.

Huh?

Yes, I heard-heard the words. I'm learning Mandarin.