Brittany Runs a Marathon

Hold it! Hold it!

Okay, hold it, please!

And good morning to you.

I'm not a part of the show.

Unfortunately for you guys. Oh.

Hi. Oh, my God, it's so good to...

No, we don't know each other.

The intermission is just a woman screaming for ten minutes.

- Thank you so much. -Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

There's no hats allowed in the theater.

Okay.

Okay, Brittany, we got to talk. Oh.

Come on. Sorry. I just got to take this very important phone call.

- -Okay, I'll hold.

Just hold the phone for one second.

Okay, I'm all yours, but first, quick question:

Why do you keep calling me Brittany

when you know my name is Babe?

I am lost in the city,

and I can't find my farm.

-You're late every day. -That'll do, Shannon.

Stop. That'll do.

Brittany, this is a job.

I'm just trying to make you laugh.

Do you know what that means?

Everyone else has to pick up after you and do your stuff.

I just feel like you don't know the things that have to happen to take care of your being late.

Hang on one second. Like the things that I have to do.

Sorry, I'm just-- Got to take this.

Hello?

Oh, no.

Everyone I know is dead.

The New York City Marathon is getting underway right now.

Live on Staten Island this morning.

50,000 people from around the world are racing today.

So, what brings you in today?

Uh, I have a hard time focusing. Mm.

You get enough sleep every night?

How much is enough?

Mm, six to eight hours.

Oh, way more than that.

That's not the problem.

Uh...

But I... I had a friend who was also just very out of it,

and she was prescribed, um...

Oh, what is it? Adderall?

And now she's very alert.

You know...

some people abuse Adderall for recreational purposes.

What? Yeah.

That's crazy. It's true.

I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

Well, I do. Yeah.

All the time.

Yeah, but she's a good girl like me.

Yeah, we met at church, serving soup to the homeless.

But, uh, what did...

This happens all the time. Wh-What were we saying?

Do you snore? Snore?

Maybe you're not getting good quality sleep.

This is not about sleep.

We're getting off track.

Maybe we both need some Adderall.

Maybe.

All right.

Uh, you're five-six, 197 pounds.

Your body mass index is high, and that can cause a disruptive sleep pattern.

My wh-wh-what is what?

A healthy BMI is around 25.

Yours is 31, 32.

Uh...

Yelp said you were a great, cheap doctor,

and I feel like you're sort of slinging labels at me all of a sudden.

Just a diagnosis.

Diagnosing me as what, fat?

All body types are beautiful.

That's true.

And you also want to be healthy.

Okay. I feel like you totally missed the point of those Dove ads.

Brittany, I'm not gonna give you Adderall,

but I am glad that you're seeing a doctor.

Your resting heart rate is elevated.

Your blood pressure's very high,

especially for a 28-year-old.

For you, I'm worried about fatty liver disease.

Oh, even my liver's fat, huh?

Let's get you healthy. Diet, exercise.

I want you to try losing between 45 and 55 pounds.

That's the weight of a Siberian husky.

You want me to pull a medium-sized working dog off of my body. Is that right?

Hey, I know it's hard to hear.

And look, a lot of people struggle with their weight

because of thyroid issues and genetic predispositions,

and in many cases, they're heavy but healthy.

But you left a lot of your history blank,

and I can only go off what you're telling me.

Would you say that you make healthy lifestyle choices?

Alexander, drinks on me for this side of the room.

This girl's fucking awesome!

Nobody listen to her. She doesn't have any money.

Hey, you're f-- you're fine. Mm.

You're fine. Thank you.

My girlfriend dumped me.

Well, your girlfriend's stupid.

-You want to go to the bathroom? -Maybe. You're pretty cute.

You-- You can rest your knees on these.

We're, like, full-blown adults.

-I don't wanna. -Promise me that we'll keep in touch.

Gretchen, you're gonna hit 25,000 followers.

-Oh, thanks, girl. -And, Brittany.

You'll always be the funniest person I know.

Who, me?

That's right, bitches! Suck it!

I'm the funniest person she knows.

Girls, I got to go to the bathroom real quick.

Oh, look. Moneybags Martha.

With a lecture, no doubt.

Hey, guys.

Listen, when you're disrobing,

try not to leave all your shit in the hallway.

That'd be the third time this month.

Just saying, change is possible.

Right? I get going out, having fun, but...

got to be respectful of others.

I got to take off my jacket.

Starting to feel like everyone's lives are going places

and mine's sort of stuck.

What? You've got a job,

um, a top-notch best friend and roommate.

Right? No, I know. I know.

Did I tell you about that old, bald asshole at the school

who was rude to me and then asked to see a teacher?

I was like, "I am a teacher."

Like, what the fuck, right?

Is that stupid of me? To be mad? No, he's a dick.

He was such a dick. Yeah.

-Should we let it dry? -Yeah.

-We'll do the rest tomorrow. -All right. Night, Gretch.

Night.

Oh, what a beautiful cake.

You made this for me, did you?

Oh, I love it! Beautiful.- Happy birthday!

Make a wish, Dad.

[cheering, festive chatter over video]

There are so many ways

you can have an extravagant lifestyle in any space.

Like us right now!

Mm!

[footsteps running down stairs]

[door bangs open in distance]

Fucking Martha.

Good morning, New York

and all of my international followers.

There are so many ways you can have an extrav--

I see, under "What are your fitness goals?"

you just drew a frowny face.

Yeah.

Yeah, uh... I just...

I need to get a teeny bit healthier.

Doc says I'm a big fat pig.

Well, I mean, we can help you with that.

Could've at least faked a compliment, like,

"No, you don't... you don't need to come here in the gym."

Oh, I'm sorry. Um... I mean, I like your shirt.

You can go ahead with whatever you're gonna-- what the spiel is.

We have a bunch of membership options to fit all your fitness needs,

with rates as low as $129 a month.

I'm sorry, I thought you said, um, "as low,"

and then $129 for a month.

Yeah, that's a starting rate.