Rosie O'Donnell: A Heartfelt Stand Up

"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage: Rosie O'Donnell!"

Well hello Nyack!

How are you?

Thank you so much for coming to my mall

Now I have arrived

I'm performing at my own mall

With a Chipotle next door Isn't that good?

We just got that I was very impressed

Yeah

How many people have been to this mall before?

How many people have been to the new mall down the street?

Traitors! All of you traitors!

I was at opening day at this mall Anyone else?

Opening day, 18 years ago about at this mall, Were you there?

Who was the celebrity who was here? Do you remember?

No, well I was here with my son in a stroller...

but I was not the advertised celebrity

- Do you know who was? - Aardvark!

Arthur the Aardvark

A sixteen foot stuffed animal furry guy that was supposed to come

and entertain the children

So I brought Parker here who is now 18 but he was one year old

and he was in a stroller and he started crying

and Arthur was late apparently so we went home

And about 2 hours later the doorbell rang and it was Arthur the Aardvark

That's when I knew fame was gonna fuck up my family

Right then

Arthur the Aardvark came to our house

Well, hello, everybody! I am 52 years old, last month

Can't believe it really

And I have five children

I have four teenagers and one toddler

Right, that's the face I get a lot People go, "Ohhh!"

like I made a mistake I adopted there were no accidents

People say why would you have another baby

when you have four teenagers and I said

Because I have four teenagers and I needed to remind myself

that I actually do love children because teenagers suck

Does anyone have teenagers?

Alright, do you like them? Do you like your teens?

Cause I hate mine I do

I hate my teenagers

They're horrible human beings and I didn't expect this

cause when I was the mom of toddlers

parents of teenagers would come over to me and go

"Oh, wait till they're teens you're gonna hate it"

And I would think "Boy, they're shitty parents"

I've learned!

They're horrible It starts at 15

Y'know, if you're lucky 15 Some tell me 14, 13

Mine, 15 My son Parker, who the light of my life, right?

The kid who brought joy into my world... that kid turned on me

He became spawn of Satan before my very eyes

It was horrible It was horrible

I was crying all the time

I finally made him come to therapy with me

The hour session I cried for 50 minutes

I'm like, "We used to be friends and talk every day and I..."

"We used to watch TV shows together!"

Finally, like right when the session was almost up

the therapist said to Parker "Do you have anything to say?"

and he said, "Yes Could you adjust her medication?"

Which I thought was hurtful

I found it hurtful, but actually they did tweak it and I felt a lot better

so y'know in the end it was a win-win

so I can't really complain about that too much

but just teens are bad They're bad

They do things you never thought they'd do, right?

They're their own people Who expected that?

Y' know, not me

My son is now at a military high school, which he begged me to go to

He's at Valley Forge Military Academy

Yes, he is the top cadet

He is in charge of over a hundred young cadets there at the school

and he has applied to and been accepted at The Citadel

That's what I said

"Wow," because I didn't know he had applied there, y'know?

I didn't, because I filled out his common app

Did anyone else fill out their kid's common app?

You're a helicopter mother just like me You're horrible

I did it too I couldn't help it

He wouldn't do it

I filled out the whole application It took me two weeks

All I needed was for him to write an essay

How hard is that, right?

For months I kept saying "Please write the essay"

"Please write the essay"

The night before it's due I'm like "Honey, you need to give me the..."

"Oh, I didn't have time, mom I couldn't do it"

Like everything's an argument y'know, he's aggressive like that

And I was like, "Screw it" and I wrote it for him

"I love Broadway and Barbara Streisand"

"My personal hero is my mother"

I couldn't believe he applied there I said...

"Honey, why didn't you tell me you applied there?"

He said, "Why? I'll tell you why"

"Cause I didn't want your name to be the reason I got in"

I was like "Not much chance of that honey"

Like my name is gonna help at The Citadel?

No, it is not

Can you imagine, y'know?

He's applying I'm spending my days on the internet going

"Do not bomb Syria" Send!

"Peaceful solutions in the Ukraine" Send!

That military thing, it's all his y'know?

He's been very into this his whole life I don't know why

Part of me thinks it's because he was 7 years old when 9/11 happened

and we were in the city, right and everything changed for him then

He used to just draw pictures and then it all was army everything, y'know

So I asked him one day

I said, "Why are you so dedicated to serving in the armed forces?"

"Why? I'll tell you why mom Ya wanna know why?"

Again, that voice is all the time no matter what

Do you want string beans? "Broccoli, mom, I want broccoli!"

It's like, y'know, forget it Just telling you it's how he talks now

He's like, "Why? I'll tell you why mom"

Cause only in America could a kid like you from a poor childhood

with a dead mom and an abusive dad could grow up to be you

and then adopt kids like me who didn't have any families

Only in America could that happen so I owe something to this country

I was like, "No, sweetheart You owe something to me!"

They turn on you y'know? I never expected it

They turn on you, y'know

Oh, I loved this kid so much

I still love him, but y'know he's driving me crazy

But when he arrived in my life... I knew I wanted to adopt, right?

A lot of people go to adoption after infertility

Not me... It was a choice Why?

My mom died when I was 10

and I had a teacher in public school in 7th grade

who totally loved me back to life

She was the first person to hug me

She was the first person to say I love you

She took me into her family

and she taught me that a family is made by love

and not by blood and sadly

she died 10 years ago of breast cancer as well

So I had two mothers and they both died of breast cancer, right?

Very odd So when I decided to adopt

y'know I was certain and I went in and I met with the agency

and I said: "I'd really, really really like, y'know, a girl"

and two weeks later they said "We have a boy"

And I cried cause I didn't know what to do

but as soon as they put him in my arms that was it

Like you hear of love at first sight?

This was it. They put that baby in my arms it was like lights turned on

It was like 4th of July It was like walking into Oz

Y'know, honestly it was the most magical thing that ever happened to me

but I was nervous cause he was a boy

but I had a friend who had sons Rita Wilson

She had two boys at the time: Truman and Chester, right around Parker's age

So she came over to help me

and that first week she asked me an interesting question

She said, "Ro, why didn't you have him circumcised?"

And I said, "I thought I had"

Because I remember filling out the form when I was in the hospital

It said, "Circumcise: yes or no?"

I said yes because I remember in high school

there was that one kid whose father was from Spain

and he was really good at soccer but he had a weird weenie

You know, not that I saw it, but I heard 'em they called him weird weenie

I didn't want my kid to be the weird weenie kid

So I was like "Yes Circumcise him, y'know"

So, Rita said, "Well, couldn't you see by looking at it? Couldn't you tell?"

And I said, "No" 'cause...

Well listen it didn't look like the ones in my nightstand drawer

but still, y'know, I thought it was artistic interpretation, y'know

I mean an actual heart does not look like this

I'm just telling you right now that's not the shape of a heart

So the fact that those were smooth and nice I didn't know

The wrinkled elephant trunk thing it scared me a little...

I'm gonna be honest

I thought the head part the little mushroom tip thing

would come out in puberty

No, I'm not even kidding you

You know how we get boobs girls? Like we get boobs

They're round mounds They come out

Y'know we had that big meeting

and then we had that little movie when you're like 13

"Oh Mary wants to get a white dress but she can't"

"Her friend Flo is coming to visit real soon"

Remember that movie we had?

I thought the boys were in their own movie and they were saying

"We know it looks creepy and wrinkled right now"

"but soon you'll get a yarmulke right on the top of it"

It'll be liked Super Mario brothers down there

It'll pop out

I had no idea it was related to a circumcision, y'know?

So I start to cry and Rita felt bad for me

and she said, "Don't worry, I'll call Kate"

and that's her best friend Kate Capshaw married to Steven Spielberg

so she called them up and three hours later they were all in my house

They brought lox, bagels, and a mohel

That's why I love the Jews I'm telling you right now

I want to be a Jew I love the Jews

They can solve any problem in 15 minutes

We did the circumcision at my house

and then we buried the foreskin in the backyard

It was the eighth day, right

Observant Jews will know you're supposed to do that