The Camp Host

Oh, yeah, no, it's stuck! It's-it's--

Put it away, you're gonna break the zipper again.

No, baby, it's-- What?

I think I know how to open a tent, okay?

Oh, apparently not.

Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah, you're the zipper expert.

Oh my, oh my God! Are you okay?

- You alright? - No.

I'm sorry.

Shh. It's past quiet hours.

Oh, my God, I thought we came here

to escape the rules of society?

We're 50 feet away from flushing toilets

and quarter operated showers.

This is not exactly backcountry life.

Yeah, no, not with that attitude.

-Just saying. -Oh, my God, babe,

did you see those stars though, like

you can't get that shit in the city

and the smell of the trees, right?

And like that, the sound of the crickets.

It's all just so wild.

Like everything here is buzzing with life, you know?

Very poetic.

I'm serious, you know, like,

like, at any given moment, you and I,

we could get mauled by a bear.

And, I'd be okay with it.

-Don't say that. -I will, I'm totally--

-That's awful. -It's not awful.

It's beautiful.

You know, like,

we would feed the bear

and then, like,

we would fuel the ecosystem.

And we'd be a part of nature,

you know, and-and-and-and we would,

we would become a part of something bigger than us.

You know what I'm saying?

I wanna get wild tonight, like...

Let's get like, fucking primitive, you know.

Okay, but you need to be quiet

and then I'm going right to sleep.

I have work on the morning

so I can't stay all night

deconstructing nature with you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that all, that all sounds good.

-Good. -That sounds good.

Oh, my God. I thought the tent was hard to get into.

Let me try.

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Okay.

Wait, wait, wait, the fire.

Oh, that's okay.

The camp host said that we have to extinguish

all the fires and never leave them

-unattended. -Unattended. No, I know.

She says that bullshit to everybody.

I don't think the fire is gonna jump out and bite us.

-You know what I mean? -Oh, really.

What about your precious trees?

Fuck the trees, right?

-Is that a bear? -No, shit.

Oh..

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, what, what does it want?

I don't know, food.

Oh, fuck. I left some food out. I left some food out.

Uh...

Oh, ca-can you do something?

Are you crazy? I'm not going out there.

What do we do? What do we do? What do we do?

-You're Davy-Fucking-Crocket. -Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. We're gonna die. Oh, fuck, we're gonna die.

No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.

Get out of here bear.

Get the hell out.

Huh, babe...

What was that you're saying about being mauled?

Oh, you know, I-I wasn't scared, so...

Oh, you weren't? Okay.

Yeah, like that'd be--

Oh, my God!

Oh, no! No! Don't!

Jen, stop! Stop it!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Look out!

-Oh, my God. -What?

-What happened? -You happened.

You almost hit that turtle.

You scream bloody murder over a turtle?

Jesus Christ, Sadie, you could have killed us.

I could have killed us?

Yeah, okay, I hope that that text message

you sent was worth all of our lives, Meeka included.

No.

Not Meeka's.

Can you ever just pay attention?

- You wanna drive? - What?

Miss out on the opportunity to tell you what to do?

Not a chance.

It's your van, too.

Most people our ages own a house.

Gross.

Equity, appreciation, investments.

You know, real adult stuff.

Instead, we bought a used van.

Technically, the bank bought the van.

-We just make payments. -Don't you want to have a house?

You know, something that you can call your own?

No. We just spent the last two and a half years

trapped inside the house.

The last thing I want to do is be...

committed to the same four walls for the rest of my adult life.

I mean, look at this, I've got a road

to endless possibilities and experiences in front of me,

and I'm not gonna miss out on that.

Yeah, what else could a guy need?

Gee, I don't know. Besides for you to stop texting for once.

Hey, I'm not even texting, baby.

I'm looking for our song.

All right, fine. Maybe this was worth dying for.

...human remains consistent with the description

of a missing Florida couple, who were last seen,

camping in the Upper Peninsula.

No foul play has been detected

as evidence shows that they were likely

victims to a bear attack.

Man, internet sleuths have been tracking these guys for weeks.

America loves a missing white people story.

Actually, you know, remember that one about

the Mexican girl who was kidnapped

while camping with her parents?

-No. -Exactly.

Oh, the campsite's coming up on the right here.

I'm so happy we're not camping in Michigan.

Bears and yoopers, can you imagine?

There's the Camp Host.

- She's pretty. - Hm.

Wow, California.

Well, you're a long way from home.

Yeah, tell me about it. We've been on the road for a while.

Feels like it's been a year.

It's been three weeks.

This drama queen over here is my husband, Ed

and I'm Sadie.

Still, three weeks is a long time to take off work.

Yeah, I-I work remotely,

and she...

I, uh, I'm...

Well, I'm sort of between things right now.

You know, it's, it's complicated, you know.

But I'm figuring it out. Yeah.

Hey, I get it. It's early retirement.

That seems to be the trend with you kids now.

- Really? - Well, sure.

And I don't blame you either.

I mean, the whole world's crumbling.

Who wants to work?

Nothing matters anymore.

And who wants to be the band on the Titanic?

Exactly.

See, that's why we packed up

and, you know, and decided to...

Fly north.

You coming back home?

Unplug and get back to nature.

Where are you from, baby bird?

Um, the...

San Fernando Valley. .

Oh. City life making you a bit crabby.

-Pardon? -You know what I mean.

Where are you really from?

I could smell the thunderstorm in you.

That actually might be Meeka.

He got skunked a few states back.

I'm from Hawaii. You ever been?

So, you two want a campsite?

I think I got a couple to spare.

We don't get many campers this time of year.

What do you think.

20 bucks?

I'll throw in a couple of bundles of firewood.

Really?

That's a deal.

- Hop on out here. - What are you doing?

-I don't know. -Help me with the wood,

and I'll give you the law of the land.

They're pit toilets. There's nothing fancy.

And there's no running water, so don't put anything in them

that you would not put in the ground.

What's in the bowl?

Gratitude stones.

They're for you to keep on your person.

Put one in your pocket and it'll remind you

to be grateful for everything around you.

Nice.

This is your site.

Cute dog.