Welcome to Me

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It's the perfect pet for someone special you know.

You have 16 new messages. First new message.

Hey, booboo. Gina here. Pick up the phone.

Pick up. Come on.

I just had the craziest phone conversation with this telemarketer

- and he's kind of sexy. - Next new message.

Hi, Alice. It's Daryl Moffet.

I just got off the phone with Greg at Suncoast Pharmacy.

I had no idea you weren't picking up your medication. Can you give me a call?

Your home is far less likely...

Everybody comes to our beautiful planet Earth

and it is beautiful if you saw our show on Friday

to do something great, something unique,

something that only you were born to do.

Only you can give. So, what is your calling?

I definitely know what mine is.

This show is about helping all of you who are watching us.

Think about and then figure out, 'cause that's your real job, to figure out

what is your calling, and then begin to honor it.

Hundreds of people in this audience...

I'm going to have to check on her. Yeah.

I should... head out. I'm... It was nice to meet you.

- Alice. - Alice.

Take care, Alice.

- Who was that? - I don't know.

She asked if there was a rape in A Tale of Two Cities.

If maybe, well, one that's just for you.

Just a phone call, but hopefully a new start for your friendships.

And hopefully those of you who haven't made the call,

in six years, ten years, twelve, will get the nerve from this show

to pick up the phone and reconnect. Do that for yourself.

The California Stack Sweepstakes.

Hello, California. Happy Independence Day.

I'm Helen Hardaway, and welcome to the California Stack drawing.

Tonight, you need to pick four or more numbers to win.

Get all eight numbers and you could win or share tonight's jackpot

of $86 million.

And away we go.

Number 40,

23.

There's 37

followed by 14.

There's 57, 15.

And finally our bonus numbers are... 54 and 39.

Lottery retailers will pay for prizes up to one hundred...

Thanks for calling the California Lottery.

If you're calling to report a winning, just say "I'm a winner at any time."

Oops. I didn't catch that.

If you're calling to report a winning, just say "I'm a winner at any time."

- I'm a winner. - Oops. I didn't catch that.

If you're calling to report a winning, just say "I'm a winner at any time."

- I'm a winner at any time. - Congratulations. Please hold.

Yesterday was a very lucky day for Alice Klieg,

a Palm Desert woman who holds the winning ticket

for an $86 million California Stack Sweepstakes payout.

Oh, my... That's my... That's my friend! Oh, my God!

Thank you. Thank you.

I'd like to read from a prepared statement.

I was a summer baby, born in the year 1971 in Simi Valley, California.

My mother was a nutritionist and my father was a commercial baker.

And I've been using masturbation as a sedative since 1991.

We're unable to show you the rest.

Yesterday was a...

They cut me off.

- Hello? - What...

Hi, Ted. Alice, it's Ted.

He saw you on the news.

- They cut me off. - Yeah, she's mad they cut her speech off.

- She sounds bad. - She's about a 7.5 and climbing.

- You don't have to stay. - Somebody has to stay.

- They cut me off. - Okay. Later, tater.

Alice?

You hungry?

I'm going to take an iodine bath.

It's my new thing. I'm managing my moods by living a high protein lifestyle.

What's going on with the Abilify?

I have a prepared statement.

Okay.

"Dear Daryl, it's been a good run, Daryl,

"but as I will no longer be collecting disability from the State of California,

"our visits are no longer mandatory.

"I appreciate everything you have done for me,

"but as a new member of the rich and famous,

I simply don't have time for the pain."

Well, I have something I'd like to read, too.

"My dear Alice,

I would be happy to discuss the logistical details of our new relationship,

"a relationship which gives me great pride when I reflect on the ground

that we have covered.

"Since the psycho-pharmacological value of string cheese in the treatment

"of borderline personality disorder is not, to my knowledge, even in clinical trials,

"I would encourage you to reconsider walking away from the good

and necessary work that we do."

Why did you stop your medication?

It's a new era.

Eighty-six million-dollar Alice.

Do you really want to stop seeing me?

No.

Yes.

No.

What do you want to do, Alice?

Something really big.

I'm moving today.

Nice.

Good.

If I paid you...

would you give me a clean-bill health, mentally?

Thanks for choosing our casino, Miss Klieg.

- So, how long do you plan on staying? - Indefinitely.

Do you allow pets here?

Well, I'm sure we can work something out.

- Do you have a dog? - No.

What's the matter, sweetie?

Located at the beautiful Palm Springs area.

Nothing.

What I'm suggesting, is a more of a less idea.

A five-dollar tip for you.

Just ask Ted for a little advice, small amount,

- about what to do with your money. - I don't need any help, Mommy.

No hand? Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

- Sorry, Mom. - It's all right.

Teddy.

- Welcome to my new home. - This must be your Alice.

- This is Derick. - Hi, it's so nice to fina... Okay.

This is... this is my best friend, Gina.

- I'm her Gina. Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

Those two sour pussies over there are my parents.

This is Derick, Ted's male lover. Isn't that good?

- Hi, hi. - Hi.

If it weren't for you, I don't know what we would do.

- I always knew about Ted. - What?

When we were married. By the way he fucked me.

I get it.

So...

how does it feel to be a millionaire?

I have a prepared statement.

Prepared statement.

Okay.

Here's what I want to say.

Cause. Okay?

Effect. Okay?

"I want each of you to understand that...

"you can have what I have right now if you really believe it.

- You too can have a new life." - New life.

New life.

"And as I begin my new life,

I must reflect on the love and inspiration each of you has given me."

I love you, guys. Shit, I didn't want to cry until the end.

A toast to Alice and her new life.

New life.

To my new life.

Let's hope.

I'm going to get shrimp.

...it's harvested in Ecuador,

where the locals call it La Madre

or The Mother.

Smoothies are such a great way to load up on powerful nutrition.

Every single particle of Live Alchemy contains coded blueprints

that actually rewrite your DNA.

So, who's ready for a new life?

This has been a live broadcast from the headquarters of New Vibrance Studios.

If you're interested in being a member of our studio audience,

please contact the number below.

Live for Palm Desert, California, welcome to Live Alchemy.

You can't put yogurt in waste baskets. Okay?

I know, but then, you can't just let it be there. It's disgusting.

Good to see you. Welcome to Live Alchemy.

I'm Gabe Ruskin.

Now, what if I were to tell you

one teaspoon of Live Alchemy contains more usable protein

than a 16-ounce sirloin steak.

- Well, get ready to pan to the audience. - It's true. What if I were to tell you...

...that in 100 years, our main source of food would be algae?

Now.

I would believe it.

Hey, hey, wow. We got a live one.

And I wouldn't lie to you. Now...

We're all used to healthy food tasting like dirt, right?

Frank, pull away please.

Right, I mean, it's really bad. Well...

I'd like to get a volunteer from the audience

to come taste my chocolate amaretto smoothie with Live Alchemy.

Who's curious?

No, no. Come on. Not the crazy bitch. Gabe.