Permanent Midnight

you know what's mortifying?

smack is like the leisure suit of the nineties.

instead of wrecking dad's buick on prom night,

these little suburban fucks are copping habits.

and oding in the rec room.

and you're different because...

i never got to the prom.

traded my cummerbund for two bags and a rig.

do you even know why you did the shit that you did?

you ever read that interview with william burroughs.

where they asked him why he shot heroin?

he said, "so i can get up in the morning and shave."

yeah. so, it was like a grooming thing.

you kidding? i hated to shave,

but in hollywood, got to look your best.

you looked so moronic

in your little fast-food outfit.

yeah? well, believe it or not,

serving america's frozen fish needs

is not my primary calling.

i'm sorry, college boy.

where'd you go?

how can i help you?

um, let's see.

give me a fish sandwich with extra sauce.

you got that good sauce?

tartar?

yeah. yeah. tartar. gob it on there.

oh, yeah? so, what's your m. o., huh...

picking up ez burger boys at the drive-thru,

- getting them bounced out of rehab? - uh-huh.

hey, you guys still open?

hey...

you guys still open?

you're going the wrong way.

sorry.

do you have some matches?

i just need some matches.

- matches? - yeah.

yeah, sure. we keep them with the kiddie meals.

i'll get them.

hey, you're one of those rehab patients, aren't you?

what is it, whimpering wounds or something?

jesus.

whispering winds.

hey, it's obvious.

you're too darn sad-looking

just to be another retard in a pink visor.

it's red.

oh.

do you want to go have a cup of coffee?

you want me to go have a cup of coffee

with you right now?

yeah.

shit! shit!

wait. ggh!

all right.

oh, i wish i was high.

shit!

- agh! - sorry.

it's ok.

i've never done this straight before.

trust me, on smack, i was a real stud.

the first time anybody touched me after i got clean,

i thought, "jesus, that's why i needed drugs."

it was 7 years ago.

yeah. well, i got 92 days,

but who's counting, right?

so, what, did i get you in trouble?

it's no big thing.

besides, my three-month stretch of rehabilitative fry-cook therapy

was up tomorrow, anyway.

- i just missed the mugging. - the what?

you get a mug when you finish your stint.

right. i forgot that part.

anyway, i got to get back to l. a.

oh, goddamn, you're from l. a.?

i'm not, but i moved out there to pursue my art.

who says?

i want you to meet bessie.

man: that's where they kept mr. chompers.

- mr. chompers, like the puppet? - yeah.

why, are you a puppeteer?

yes. i'm a puppeteer. i'm a writer.

- you write that crap? - wrote.

oh, god, i get it.

you're, like, this angsty, arty, hemmingway type

who, like, sold out to hollywood,

hit the needle, and ended up in rehab.

you tv geeks don't do anything original, do you?

actually, the tv geek part

is just a little side effect.

i was getting a little too fucked up in new york,

so i thought,

"i'll move out to california

and get away from drugs."

so, you went to l. a. to get away from drugs.

that's pretty good.

i miscalculated.

hey, it's an honest mistake.

hey, i'm all about honesty.

so, you came out cold, or did you know somebody?

ugh...

why do you want to know all this?

well, really, there's only two things

you can do in a hotel room,

and we already did one of them,

more or less.

yeah. i sure showed you a good time, didn't i?

yeah, excellent.

come on. tell me.

well, i had this friend nicky

who was kind of a drug buddy from high school.

- careful, careful, careful. - this is great.

yeah. it is great, but this is a big machine.

i've never had a car before.

- this is excellent. - really? try it out, man.

give it a spin. try out the brakes.

come on!

he was one of those guys who was always scheming up.

shit that almost happened,

and i was popping so many of his pills,

it all sounded great.

well, he gave the script to a guy he plays golf with

who happens to have a lot of money... moe levine.

check it out. moe levine.

this guy moe levine read it.

he likes it. he loves it.

says he might want to put on the play.

ha ha! you fucking kidding me?

no. i am not kidding you. i am not kidding.

and you've just been keeping this under your hat?

he really wants to put it on?

he might. no. he seriously might.

- the play is the thing. - this is great, man.

what a day. what a day to be cruising around.

i think we made a fine choice.

i never had a car, man.

ok. so it's like boy meets chucklehead, and then what,

boy gets this terrific job

writing alien puppet sitcom?

well, it wasn't really that simple.

i kind of had to sleep my way to the middle.

really? you and nicky?

mm, no.

nicky and i drew the line at necking.

actually, he had this girlfriend

who had a girlfriend who needed a green card.

there's about 200 of these turkish fishermen

standing around on the dock,

and, because it's a holiday,

they were falling over drunk,

and i'm wearing these incredibly high heels

and holding this massive cake done up in the american flag.

sandra, what you're describing

sounds like a wonderful scene for jerry,

who's a pretty good writer.

i tell you, by the time i'd finished running that gauntlet,

i looked like i'd been cake wrestling.

vola, is my future husband always like this?

i mean, he can behave normally, right?

no, not really,

especially when benny has made a house call.

which he hasn't

because i don't associate with benny anymore.

you've made that clear, and i understood it.

- ask jerry. - who's benny?

vola: he's a prepubescent drug dealer.

what's this, heidegger? you a big fan of his?

well, i'm trying to get through it.

it's not exactly light summer reading.

yeah, but it's probably good for, like, plotlines

and character names, stuff like that, right?

have you seen "mr. chompers"?

i don't have a tv.

nicky: ooh, see what i mean?

this is like a good, like, give and take.

this is, like, she likes to bullshit, you like to bullshit.

- that's what i mean. - can i have the pipe?

can i have... yes. you may have the pipe.

it's over here, and then it's over here.

and then it's over there, and then it's over here.

great.

sandra: oh, jerry, you don't have to charm me.

we're only getting married on paper, you know?

you got to get a load of this. what is this outfit?

- this is like mad max here. - yeah.

what is this, leather?

actually, it's jewish leather.

it's designed for humiliation.

so, what do you think? she's ok.

she's ok. she's british.

what does that mean?

- means she's british. - she's cool.

you're gonna really dig her when you get to know her.

i don't want to know her, vola.

i'm just getting married to her.

i'm just saying she's nice.

yeah, if you got for that studied nonchalant brit type of thing.

suck my dick.