Haters Back Off

Well, that was just great.

What a great and fun video.

Did you actually like it,

or are you just saying that because she gave you a kidney?

I don't even know anymore.

Whoa! 162,000 views?

I only watched it four times, so the rest of those must be Jim.

Hello. Sorry to interrupt your slumber party,

but I'm just here to tell you that I'm having an emergency

and I will be in the bathroom, making a huge mess in there

and be in there for a long time, so nobody come in there.

There's no suspicious activity going on in the bathroom.

Good day.

I should probably get the matches.

Bethany!

Oh, gosh, that was quick.

Here, Jim, I have the... Oh! Oh!

Hello, milady. And welcome to our first date.

Oh. Oh, my... Oh, my goodness.

Uh...

Is that my robe?

I don't know.

-Is it? -Yes.

-Bethany, just close the door. -Oh, okay, okay. Sorry.

I've reserved us a table for two at Le Tub.

Aw, it's beautiful.

But not as beautiful as your face and your hair and your eyes and nose

and mouth and eyebrows,

and this part and that part and down there.

And dedication to your family, Bethany.

That was such a specific compliment.

Would you like to sit against the spigot or the mildew stain?

I would like mildew stain.

Dang it! Okay. Yes, milady.

Oh.

Uh-huh.

Yes. Porcelain.

-Ah, it's a little sticky. -Mmm.

- Mmm-hmm. - Oh!

Mmm?

Mmm.

What a wonderful first date we're having.

Magical.

Is this safe?

It's not safe.

-It's very dangerous. -Oh. Okay.

-Oh, my goodness, that scared me! -That scared me!

That's the funniest thing to ever happen ever!

- I forgot. Oh! - Okay.

-Oh. -Mmm.

Boner petite.

Excuse me?

It's French for little hot dog.

Oh!

Thank you.

-No, no, no. -No?

Like they do in France.

-Oh. -Come here.

Oh, okay.

Hey, is there something burning in here?

Oh, my God! What are you doing?

I'm in love with your mother!

Jim!

Oh, ma'am.

Can I interest you in an old chicken bone with a cotton swab stuck to it?

No?

Only $300.

Cheapskate.

Hey.

Oh, excuse me, sir. I'm on the phone with my boyfriend.

So I'll just be a minute.

Oh, my sweet baby.

You're the best boyfriend in the whole world, Joey Graceffanisfca.

You're so sexy and amazing and handsome and funny.

Oh!

He just told me a really funny joke.

It's about you.

Well, anyways, I gotta go.

There's a really annoying customer watching me right now. Super-creepy so...

No, you hang up. No, you hang up. No, you--

My friend Sally and I are going to the pool.

Wanna come?

I was just on the phone with my boyfriend.

And my best friend, Sally. So can I help you?

Did you want to buy something?

No, I'm actually just here to talk to Mr. Uncle Jim so...

Okay, no customers allowed inside the house, please. Thank you.

Besides, Uncle Jim just announced his morning poo,

so he'll be very busy for a while.

Can I take a message?

Yeah.

I wanted to tell him that I am

stepping down from my position as your roadie.

Oh.

Well, that's great, 'cause we were gonna fire you anyway.

So that worked out nicely, didn't it?

Okay.

Wait!

I need your help to build my theme park.

Good luck, Miranda.

Psych!

I don't need you!

I can build a theme park without you!

It'll be even better than anything you could do!

You'll see!

Let's do our nails and talk about our crushes.

Life is good.

Sometimes when a mom and an uncle,

you know, they share a tiny bed together, they can, um...

They develop feelings.

-Yeah. -Deep down in their groins.

No, "loins," Jim. "Loins."

Oh, "loins," right. I said "groins,"

but I meant to be telling you about our loins--

Please stop talking.

I just want you to know, you don't have to call me Daddy yet.

You can call me Uncle Daddy for a few weeks.

And I'll call you my niece-daughter.

Oh, my God.

Look, I know I can't stop you guys from doing this.

But...

you cannot let Miranda find out.

She'll make our lives miserable.

More miserable.

Emily is right. All right, all right.

The most responsible thing to do

is just continue to live in fear of what Miranda thinks of our decisions.

So what do we do?

Just keep quiet.

No matter what happens, act natural.

Uncle Jim! Mom!

We need to build the theme park right now!

Oh! That sounds like a great idea!

Doesn't it, everyone?

Everyone in the room?

Great! I'll get started on the rides.

God!

What was that, Emily? You didn't even try to act natural!

You ruined it!

You're a terrible actress!

Okay, almost done.

Okay. Got the shape.

Put on my lips, eyeballs, hair. Perfect.

Uncle Jim, does it look like me?

- Hello? - What?

-Hey, hello. Yes. -Yes.

Which one's me, which one's the cardboard cutout?

-Um... -Oh, uh, the monster is you.

No, I'm me. Got ya!

What's next?

Oh, I know. Bumper cars.

She's onto us.

We gotta go somewhere else.

-Follow my lead. -Okay. Okay.

Bethany, uh, I need to go someplace else for reasons.

- Will you help me? - Of course I will.

- Up, up, out. - Up, okay.

Okay. All right, let's test it out.

Honey, I'm home!

Dad!

-So good to see you. -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You remember what I used to tell you.

-"Don't smother, hover." -"...smother, hover." Yes, like this.

Okay. There you go. See?

Anticipation is always better than affection.

I love you.

And I'm your dad.

Okay, I think that's enough. Just close your eyes.

-Yes. -There you go.

This is nice.

It's really nice. You smell great.

Like musty air.

I wanna kiss you.

I wanna kiss you.

-Okay. -Okay.

Oh.

Where is the wine?

-Kelly? -Kelly!

- Oh! - Kelly! It is you!

Get over here! Brother hug!

Hey, Jim, don't wrinkle the jacket. It's Peruvian wool from Italy.

Okay. Well, brother handshake.

No, actually, I just put some expensive lotions on my hands, so...

Ooh, yeah. No, I get it. I have expensive lotions all over.

Maybe later we can hug and touch hands.

I couldn't find any wine, but we have some milk.

Oh, there she is.

All these years later.

She's beautiful, she's talented, and she's famous worldwide.

I did a good job raising her, just like you asked.

What are you talking about?

Well, you said, "Take care of her for me."

-I was talking about my Fiero. -Oh.

See, Mom? I told you he'd come back for me.

My favorite daughter.

-Dad. -Dad!

Oh, you missed me. Here, here, just let me get in it.

- Can you just-- - We're hugging.

Kelly, what are you doing here?

Oh, he came to see me!