Your Friend, Nate Bargatze

Please welcome my daddy, Nate Bargatze!

I love you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Phoenix, thank you so much.

That was so good.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

That's very nice.

This is it. We're doing it.

Uh…

So…

My… I love…

Look, I love doing stand-up comedy.

I love it.

And the job I had, the last serious job,

the job I will go back to when all this falls apart…

I was a water meter reader.

Thank you.

This job was…

The title was the description of what you do.

People would ask, I'd go, "I'm a water meter reader."

"Yeah, what's that?"

Let me tell you what it is, all right?

We're going to read water meters. That's the…

That's 100% of the job.

So back when I did it, it was in Wilson County, Mt. Juliet, Tennessee.

And so, back when I did it, I would have to park the truck,

and like get out in the neighborhood.

Like, run through a neighborhood,

and type in how much water every house uses.

So it's 2001. Obviously, 9/11 happens.

If you're old enough, you remember when 9/11 happened,

the whole country got very scared there was going to be more attacks.

Well, we did as well

in Wilson County.

We figured,

they just went to New York, obvious next stop,

Mt. Juliet, Tennessee.

And they are going to poison our town's water.

So they got all of us water meter readers

to guard the water tanks.

I really did this. I stood…

Just in a dark field, alone,

waiting for the Taliban to show up.

No weapons, no training.

They gave us a lantern. A lantern!

That does nothing but shows your body as you hold it up.

I can't see two feet in front of me.

If someone's got a gun, they're like, "Shoot at the only light in that field."

I'm going to put it over my heart to see. I'm like, "What's going on?"

I mean, I think, like, to this day,

I've always said, what did they want us to do?

Call the Mt. Juliet Police?

"Osama is here."

"He got past our lanterns."

"He's in the water tank. He knew how to open that. We were…."

"We were surprised by that, but he knew what he was doing."

My wife was with me when I had that job.

She's been with me way before where we're at right now.

She was in it for the benefits I got at the water company. Uh…

We have, uh…

So we've been married 17 years.

- - Thank you.

And, uh, I know…

You know, the longer I'm married,

the more I realize why she was put in my life.

I would not be here if she was not in my life.

I know all of this.

Now, I've also become very reliant on her because of this.

I don't know anything

about me. Like…

I don't know what I like and don't like to eat.

I mean, someone would be like, "You want to try this?"

And I got to get her involved.

I'm like, "I don't think so."

I don't know how long to microwave something.

I have to ask her every time,

as if her family invented the microwave.

"How long do we microwave this for?"

And she's like, "Do it till it's hot."

It's like, "But I know you know a number. You know, just…".

"Just say the number. I don't…."

"I'm either gonna call my mom, or you're gonna tell me the number."

If she doesn't tell me, I type in 90 minutes and I walk away.

I do do my own laundry.

- - Thanks. Thank you.

I think that's what it deserves.

My mom did my dad's laundry growing up,

so I thought all wives do husbands' laundry.

And I've always done my own, and to be honest,

I felt it had been forgotten about over these past 17 years.

The sacrifice I was making that other husbands didn't have to make.

One day, I was driving home and it popped in my head,

and I was like, "All right, I'll bring that up."

I mean, I didn't bring it up that day, you know?

I was like, I'm sure there will be a time

where we'll be in some fight,

I'll be losing this fight…

And then, I mean, I just come, I'm like, "I do my own laundry!"

She's like, "Fight's over!"

"You win. I forgot how good I got it."

So I sit on it for, like, six months, like a long…

We finally get in a fight.

I don't remember what the fight was about.

Nothing. I don't know.

It wasn't laundry. I remember that.

So, I'm losing this fight.

And so, in my head I'm like, "This is it."

I mean, honestly, I was sad to see it go.

That's how good I felt.

I felt bad for her. I mean…

I was like, "She thinks she's winning this fight."

"I'm about to drop a bomb on her right now."

So just out of nowhere,

I just go, "I do my own laundry!"

And I said it like, "They don't make them like this no more."

I was shocked

that it started a second fight I never saw coming.

Thanks.

We do laundry very differently.

She'll read the labels, I'll wash a rug and a suit together.

I'm…

I don't know.

"You wanna put your shoes in there? Put your shoes."

The washing machine's always a foot from the wall

when I get done.

It's like, "That was a lot of stuff you put in there." You know?

Yeah. "And look, it's almost all wet."

I travel a lot. Obviously.

So she'll be at home with our daughter.

We have a wonderful daughter, as you have seen.

- And… -

But I know it's hard. You know, she's home,

my wife has to be the mom and the dad,

and the good and the bad parent.

You know, and I come home and I'm super fun.

Or I'll mess up the routine.

This is just stuff she tells me. And…

Like, I'll go… When I go home,

I'll lay in bed with our daughter

and then we get in trouble for talking.

I'm not the one talking, by the way.

But we get yelled at as if I'm the one talking.

I do get it, because I don't think of the consequences with everything.

Like, we have one dog.

I would like another dog.

My wife does not want another dog, because it's a lot.

It's a lot to have two dogs,

'cause you got to open the back door and let two dogs out.

Then you shut it, and now…

Now they're out there.

You're inside,

not dealing with it, but…

But then they want to come back in and you're like,

"Got to go let all these dogs back in."

You're like, "One dog, two… Look at all these dogs everywhere."

Look, I… To be honest,

I've never taken care of the one dog we have, but…

Two? Two would be fun.

Our dog sleeps in our bed,

and someone told me you're not supposed to do that,

'cause you lose dominance over the dog.

And, you know, I asked him,

I said, "What year do you think it is?"

These are all doodles.

They're barely dogs.

It's a person. They're people.

This guy acts like it's 1980 when you kept the dog outside all year.

Those, you needed dominance over.

You had a wolf in the backyard.

Friends come over. "You want to go outside?"

"I wouldn't."

She's the cheaper one of us, as well.

Not in a bad way, you know.

She likes the lights being off.

Turn the lights off, you know, save money. Turn the… Get the lights.

All the lights off, it's a fun time, being in that environment.

Turn the light on, find your seat.

Get a stick, knock the light back off.

Sit in the dark and be sad and just be…

Just sad all day.

But you're saving nickels upon nickels.

Right when I get in bed, "You turn that light off?"

"I can't tell if that's on."