Sordid Lives

Ouch. Shit.

- Turn that down, Bitsy. - Sorry.

Wardell, do you think God killed Peggy as a punishment...

for having that affair with G. W.?

You know I don't believe in that shit, Juanita.

Testing.

- Can y'all hear me? - We sure can, Bitsy.

Bitsy, have you ever had an affair...

with anybody with missing limbs or anything?

Not that I can remember, Juanita.

I once had an affair with a man with only one testicle.

You're my 27th therapist in the last three years.

I'm from the South. Uh, Texas, actually.

I was raised rigid Southern Baptist, I'm an actor, and I'm gay.

] Oh, yeah

- That's real good, Bitsy. - Thank you, Juanita.

When I was a kid, I was fat.

A fat boy.

Waddle-butt.

That's what the other kids used to call me.

I just wish they could see my ass today, 'cause

I've worked really hard on my ass, you know?

Anyway.

One year--

I think I was in the fifth grade--

my mama took me shopping for school clothes...

and I had gotten fatter.

I had to try on jeans.

Well, the only ones that would fit were the husky ones, you know?

They had that label on the back that said ""Husky.''

It was kind of announced to everyone behind me I was a husky.

I started crying.

I didn't want everybody to know I was a husky.

And my mama...

sat me down right there in Sears and told me no one else had to know.

Just me and her.

It was our little secret.

So, she bought the Husky jeans. She took 'em home.

And then she went to the Goodwill, and she bought some used jeans.

Well, she took the label off the Husky jeans and sewed on the ""Slim'' label...

from the Goodwill ones.

Slim. Shit.

Like I could pull that off.

It's just the kind of mama she was though.

Never made me feel bad about being fat. She--

She always just made it okay.

And I've always thought that that is unconditional love, and--

Well, maybe if I told her I was gay, it'd--

you know, it'd apply.

And this other thought just keeps running through my head:

She'd just try and change the labels...

from gay to straight.

I tried to do that for years.

I love your new song. You gonna sing it at the dance on Saturday?

That's the plan.

- See you boys in the funny papers. - All right.

I just can't get Peggy off of my mind, Wardell.

- That's some serious-ass shit you've been through, G.W. - I'm in agony.

- Yeah, I can tell. - I remember it so vividly.

We met at the Bonanza over in Abilene, had us a nice steak supper.

She followed me back to the motel.

Jacob's ladder.

Witch's hat.

You do Jacob's ladder, then witch's hat. Two tricks in one.

Well, one trick, and then you do another by just pulling the string with your teeth.

You have too much time on your hands, Odell.

- Ain't that somethin'? - You know what I can't get off of my mind?

- Oh, here we go again. - I can't get that...

- pig-bloating incident off my mind. - What?

Please, G. W., if I have to hear that goddamn pig story again...

- I think I'll just shit. - All happened at the Tyler County Fair.

I guess now's a good a time as any.

Was that steak tender, the one you ate that night Peggy died?

Thank you, hon! I'll see you at the funeral!

Well, I'll tell you one thing...

I sure as hell wouldn't have quit smoking if I had known my sister was going to die.

Three days now. I am about to die myself.

H-H-Hold on.

Ouch. Oh, Lord.

Huh? Oh, nothing.

Well, if you must know, it's a little quit-smoking therapy...

that Roger over at the Beehive shared with me while he was back-combing my hair.

He paid $2,000 at this clinic over in Snyder...

and they give him a rubber band--

told him to pop his arm with it every time he wanted a cigarette.

It's called, uh...

behavior modifi-something another.

Roger can tell ya the exact wordage.

Anyway, it ain't workin'.

See, I go down to Tyler every year for the county fair. Broom.

Oh, I just love all them animals and them displays of macramé...

and the cooking competition and all.

Besides, it gives me a chance to see me and Wardell's sister.

I once made a rooster out of beans and lentils when I was a girl...

in vacation Bible school.

- It's almost lifelike. - Uh-huh.

- How is old Mozelle? - Oh, she's fine.

Me and Mozelle, we had us some good times once upon a time.

You know, her and Darrel have had a bunch of marital problems.

He beat her up a few times. Tepee.

Mama hung old Cockadoodle in the kitchen.

That's what I called him. ""Cockadoodle.''

- That's amazing. - But, uh, boll weevils started eating them beans.

- And that was all she wrote. - That's amazing.

- You know, any man who hits a woman is no man at all. - You got that right.

- Darrel's in group therapy for abusive husbands now. - Oh.

A bunch of wife-beaters gets together once a week with this specialist, and they purge.

Some of them are deadbeat dads too.

Used to be two groups. One for wife-beaters and one for deadbeat dads.

But so many of them crossed over from one group to the next, they just merged.

Hey. They merged and they purged.

I've seen boll weevils in flour...

in, uh, oatmeal and parik-- paprika...

but never on a rooster you made in vacation Bible school.

I probably should have married Mozelle instead of Noleta...

and then I wouldn't have been compelled to fool around...

and Peggy would still be alive.

Well, it's just somewhat awkward when your neighbor's husband kills your sister.

Oh, Noleta has emerged.

She's throwing all of G. W.'s stuff out in the yard.

Goddamn sorry, cheating son of a bitch!

Oh, Lord have mercy on my soul.

There goes the TV.

Life is one big, ol' pile of shit, Odell.

You know, G.W., no offence now, but, uh...

you're starting to get on my nerves.

I mean, get off the cross, buddy.

We need the wood.

That was a joke, G.W.

You know, to try and lift your spirits.

My God. My God.

- Woo-hoo. - Woo-hoo.

Woo-hoo.

Come on in, Noleta.

Thanks, Sissy.

I brung you this. It's, uh-- It's my mama's tuna casserole.

You know, the one I always make with the Lay's

potato chips and the Cream of Mushroom soup.

Well, that is mighty nice of you...

given the circumstances and all.

- Are you all right? - I'm fine.

Oh, Sissy.

- Oh. - I don't know what to do.

Everybody's laughing at me, Sissy.

G.W.'s made a complete fool out of me.

- Can I bum a cigarette, please? - Oh, hon, I quit three days ago.

Threw 'em all out.

Why don't you sit down...

and I'll make you a nice glass of ice tea.

There you go.

- Would you like a Valium? - Uh-huh.

I know this has to be awkward for you, Sissy.

I mean, my husband killed your sister with his, um--

I threw him out. I threw his sorry ass out, Sissy.

Threw all his stuff out on the lawn.

If he don't get it by tonight, I'm gonna have a yard sale.

- But what am I gonna do now? - Oh, hon.

I mean, I have no skills. I'm just a mama and a wife.

What the hell am I supposed to do now?

Aw.

Aw.

Ouch.

Thank you.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be telling you this.

- Should I take one or two of these? - I'd take two if I was you.

And you'll feel a lot better when those kick in.

And you can tell me anything you want, Noleta.

I feel for you. I do.

This whole thing is just one, big, unfortunate mess.

Cup and saucer or a pocketbook. Two tricks in one.

- Didn't even use my teeth. - What happened to the pig, Odell?

- The other white meat. - I'm getting to that, G. W.

I had to go to the can real bad, on account of the fact I had one of them corny dogs.

I got real thirsty. I bought one of them big, old jumbo sodas to wash it down with.

- So I headed right on down to them porta-potties. - And I strongly believe...

that mama just didn't like old Cockadoodle...

and she made up that boll weevil shit...

because I sure the hell never saw no goddamn bugs.

I'm in hell.

Today I was at the Shamrock, filling up--

I needed one more full tank for a complete set of them Dallas Cowboy mugs--

I'm gonna get you a little refill.

And that trashy thing, Lynette Walters, was there.

Well, she was there talking to her friend...

that Gloria Other-piece-of-trash, old man Holmes's youngest girl...

the one with them two illegitimate mulatto kids...

and they were staring at me, pointin', talking all hush-hush.

Those two, all skinny in their tube tops and short shorts...