Dope Thief

That never happened either.

Well, I guess you decide when things happen for both of us.

Why do UFOs only abduct white people?

Okay. I'm gonna tell you a little story

about how a hardware store in the middle of nowhere

just runs out of acetone.

Are you listening to me? You never listen to me.

Don't talk to me like I'm your wife.

You give me so much more shit than my wife.

You know how to put a house into "deconfliction," right?

Put it in the system. Anybody takes an interest, they see that it's yours.

That way, no other agents raid your house and shoot you by mistake.

Yeah. You're abusing that shit.

Am I? Just like you abused me?

This guy's name is Randy Baum.

He cooked for a biker club 20 years ago before he flipped on 'em,

and he's been rotting in the database ever since.

All of a sudden, this fucking guy, he's working around the clock.

Look, I know what you were taught,

but sometimes… sometimes you can't run right to the paperwork.

Sometimes you gotta figure out a few answers before you start taking the test.

Look, about a year and a half ago, DHS busted a truck full of coconuts.

And guess what was in all of 'em?

They can smuggle this liquid meth in anything.

Soda, wiper fluid, contact solution.

But why would a cartel need an old dinosaur like Randy to convert it?

Because there's too much here.

Randy is saying this?

No, I'm saying it.

Randy fucking barely has a frontal lobe.

A guy like him doesn't work unless there's a labor shortage.

About a year ago, something happened. Changed this whole economic landscape.

- COVID. - COVID.

Cartel probably guessed the border was shutting down.

Not even coconuts are getting across.

So you're saying a big shipment came over ahead of the closure?

And then their networks fell apart.

Not enough cookers, contractors. The usual managers couldn't get north.

And couriers can't go south.

The regular supply chain's a fucking mess. Why would the drug trade be any different?

So I think that these cartels,

they started hiring third-party contractors

just to convert and move this load.

These old bikers from the Shake and Bake era,

they're all coming back for a piece.

It's a fucking quarantine stash.

It's the stash for the East Coast.

Mina.

Mina, just come with me. Look at the house. Meet the guy.

He'll open up to you.

Crazy people love you. They're fucking drawn to you.

Tell me about it.

Hey, Randy?

Wanda the witch has seen… seen… seen…

Wanda the witch… witch… witch…

Wanda the witch has a magic broom.

It flies by itself… by itself…

It flies by itself around the room.

The quick brown… brown… brown…

The quick brown fox… fox… fox…

The quick brown fox jumped over… over…

The quick brown… brown… own…

The quick brown fox jumped over…

The quick brown fox jumped over…

The quick brown fox… fox… fox…

The quick brown fox… The quick… The…

The quick brown fox…

jumped over… jumped over…

The quick brown fox

jumped over the little bird… over the…

You've gotta work for every word.

Get it out. Really project.

The quick brown fox…

One more time, with everything you've got.

The quick brown fox jumped over the psychotic,

lying, rat-fucking, piece-of-shit dog.

Oh, shit.

Sherm… Shermie. Hey, stop. Stop, Shermie.

Hey, be quiet. Be quiet!

Hey, Ma. Ma?

Shermie! Hey, can you keep Shermie quiet, please, all right?

I ain't pay that pet deposit. It was a whole separate form.

Give me a second.

Okay.

Oh, shit. Shit, man.

Oh, man.

The warden's back. I gotta go.

What does that boy have you doing now?

Making license plates.

I'll have a whole pile for you when you get out.

Go finish your test.

Don't get caught with this phone again.

Sorry, but I fucked up your blue jay.

Did you steal another car to go buy all this?

You have the strangest way of saying "Thank you."

All this stuff is half the price at Costco.

Yeah, well, they track your membership card at Costco

and we're in hiding, Ma.

So I'm not popping up on nobody's grid just for you to get some Kirkland merlot.

And look, Ma, you can't smoke in here,

'cause this is a nonsmoking building…

- okay? - …I'm blowing it out the damn window

like a teenager.

I just stare out there

and think it's not high enough to kill myself.

- What is all this paraphernalia? - What…

- Get it off my table, Raymond. - Why? What is wro…

It's security stuff. It's security, all right?

All right. Watch. Come here.

Just throwing it everywhere.

All right. Come on. Sit down, please.

All right, see this?

I put security cameras on everyone.

You got the Shermie cam. I put it above his bed.

You stuck one on Janice's house?

Yeah, I don't know Janice, Ma.

I just put it on her tree to watch your house.

- That bum Manny's been sleeping all week. - Well, while you're sleeping,

I get to watch for the…

bogeyman.

You went from fake DEA to fake CIA.

Now you're a whole fake police state.

What happens if we go to the real police, Raymond?

Well, if that ended all this, you know I'd take the hit today.

Except that when I'm gone,

they come for you and then they come for Manny.

And pretty much burn anybody I love.

Well, you got your wish, klepto.

You got everything you love in the same little box.

Records, your toys, your friend in a coma.

Lock us all up together, 'cause you're a fugitive who can't leave Philly.

Yeah?

No, he's not coming back here, man.

He knows he's been made.

Let me come out here.

Talk to me, Rick.

- What's up, man? Talk to me. Rick? - Ray.

Rick?

Fuck, Manny.

Shit. Manny.

What the fuck? What the fuck?

Manny, this alarm is going off everywhere, man.

Open the fucking door.

Manny, open this fucking door, man.

I can hear this shit down the hall. Let's go.

Manny… Manny, hey, man, I'm not mad, man. I'm not mad. Just…

I swear to fucking… Manny!

Open the door. Manny, open the door, man.

Look at me. You fucked?

Man, open this fucking door, Manny. Open the door.

Hey, Manny. Get the fuck out of here. What the fuck, Manny?

This don't fucking bother you?

Manny, come on, man.

Motherfucker, man. Are you fucking kidding me right now?

This, like… This don't bother you, man? This don't bother you?

I couldn't stop it.

I was trying to do that, but I couldn't stop it, Ray.

Shit, man.

- Where the shit at? I know you got shit. - We have to talk about this, okay?

I'm an adult.

- You have to respect my… - Where you hide it, Manny?

You have to respect my privacy.

Yo, when'd you sneak out and score, Manny?

It's because I can't do this anymore.

- I can't do this anymore. - What you do, man?

The fuck do you do? You don't do shit. I do everything. All right?

- You just sit in here and get high… - …close my eyes, I see…

- …and you watch Court TV. - …those dead bikers.

Hey, hell no, man. Get up.

Manny, fucking sit up, man.

Look at me. All right? Look at me. Hey, look at me.

- I miss Sherry. I wanna-- - You don't get to go away on me

and you're doing the right thing by keeping her out of the line of fire.

But I need you to tell me how far in you are, all right? Be honest with me.

I was raised Catholic.

There you go with that shit.

I was taught right and wrong.

Oh, yeah? Okay. Okay then.

Here. Open that.

Find me the chapter in there that talk about firing up in a hotel bathroom.

Where that at?

I can't hide shit inside myself the way you do, Ray.

I hid Malik's head for you and you hid heroin in an iron, Manny.

Look at you, man.

- Whoa, whoa. - All right.

You're tagging your fucking locations?

Fuck.

Oh, my fucking God.

- Yo, where is he, Ramón? - Yo, hold up, man.

- How do I adjust this seat, Sherry? - Ramón, where is he?

Yo, stop playing with me, where the lever that adjust this seat?

- Mira , mira, magic. - See that shit. Come on. Let's go.

- What, you driving amputees? Yo. - Where is he, Ramón?

- Cut the shit. Come on. - No, you cut the shit, Sherry. All right.

No más .

In the last two days, you have posted nine pictures of beverages.

What do you want me to tell people, Ramón?

- Oh, you trying to save face? - No, I'm trying to find him.

Oh, how you doing that? Following a trail to margaritaville?

Ray, if he's relapsing, he needs to be with me.