Dice

I was doing 80,000 seats a week...

80,000 seats.

When you reach that level of success, you know, it's...

it's hard to stay there.

So when it got a little tough, I grabbed my girlfriend, Carmen,

and my sons, and we moved to Vegas

to make things a little easier.

But the shows... well, you know,

that's not really happening right now.

You know what I mean?

So my only real source of income

has been coming from gambling.

Long story short,

I need new windows,

and... and I just don't have money to pay for them.

So you're saying you don't want to pay for the windows?

I'm saying I can't pay for the windows.

Because honestly, when you came through this door,

I sort of felt like...

like a friendship brewing between us,

like immediately, just the way we said hello

and I gave you that little hug.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, my... my friend here

will vouch for me on that.

Right, Shake?

What he's trying to say is that sometimes

people come here with celebrity prices on things like windows.

And what I'm saying, you know, is that

it doesn't have to be that way.

Let's put all that aside, okay?

Let's... Let's just get real for a minute, okay?

Let's pretend I'm not Andrew Dice Clay.

Who?

Andrew Dice Clay.

Oh!

Top of the world, Ma.

Babe, how's this sound?

I don't have time right now.

Do you like this dress?

Yeah, beautiful.

But do you like it better than this dress?

Babe, we're trying to do a thing here.

Stop with the drumming!

Are you fucking kidding me right now?!

All right. I stopped.

I just came in here! I clearly have a question!

- But I stopped! - You don't care at all!

I'm not doing anything!

You want to know what's bothering me?!

Am I hitting anything?!

Sorry. We were just into it.

You know what I mean? I-I care what's going on.

What's... What's the matter?

Okay, my brother's called me already five times today.

He's really upset. His wedding's falling apart.

Well, weddings can be very stressful.

The bakery got the date wrong. He doesn't have a cake.

He is so stressed, he's making me stressed.

Well, you know, honestly, he did it to himself.

- How? - Well, I offered my help.

I mean, honestly,

this wedding could have been one for the books,

but he didn't want my help.

Are you being serious right now?

He's paying too much for the steak,

too much for everything.

I could have got him a free deejay.

He didn't want it.

And on top of everything,

look at the shit linen fabric.

Oh, my God. Enough about the linen.

What do you mean enough about the linen?

It's coarse. It doesn't feel good on skin.

I mean, I could live with it, but it's nothing that...

Andrew, I don't give a shit

about your feelings about linen, okay?

My brother wanted to plan his own wedding.

Get over it!

I mean, since when do you like weddings so much?

I thought you hated weddings.

Yeah, I hate weddings.

Marriage doesn't work. It's depressing.

If marriage doesn't work,

why are you so excited about this one?

Because this is a gay marriage.

Okay, so marriage between men and women don't work?

That's right. Think of all our friends, right?

Everybody's sitting on the couch the minute they get married,

eating pretzels, watching reality shows.

All of a sudden, you forget why you even got together,

and all the fucking stops.

Not with gay marriage.

They're always happy.

They're always dressed to the nines.

They're in top physical condition.

They're in Palm Springs three times a year,

doing push-ups and sit-ups like Navy fucking S.E.A.L.s.

And that's why the fucking and sucking continues.

We have sex all the time.

I know, but that's 'cause we're not married.

Why we got to be here so early?

I mean, the wedding's not until 6:00.

Well, I just want to help my brother set up,

and then I want to get my hair done before the wedding.

Have you been listening to anything

I've been saying all day?

Not the way you think.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means you're getting your hair done.

How excited should I be?

I don't need you to be excited.

I just need you to know the schedule.

Where's the gift? Did you bring a gift?

Babe, I'm not gonna go traditional.

What should I do, buy the guy a bowl?

I'm going with cash,

$1,000 in an envelope, the right way.

We can't afford that.

We can't afford not to.

It's boomerang money.

Boomerang money?

Yeah. It comes back to us.

Oh, okay. So, then, when we get married,

he's gonna give us 1,000 bucks?

No. Like, uh... like, on a birthday or something.

Relax. I'm just busting your fucking onions.

Yeah.

Babe, I-I know you got to be here early.

I get it. But why do I got to be here?

You're here so I know you're here.

So you know I'm here?

That's why you're here.

Carmen!

Oh, FYI, uh, brother's fiancé... not a fan.

- Not a fan? - Hey!

Hey, Carmen!

Hi.

Congratulations.

- Oh, thank you. - Congratulations, yeah.

Are you guys feeling better?

- Here you go. - Thanks.

Well, um, nothing has gone wrong in almost 20 minutes,

- so I'm feeling optimistic. - Hey, you know what?

Brides are always nervous on the day of.

It's gonna be okay.

Brides?

Well, you know, grooms. Y-y...

- Yeah, it's okay. - No, no.

You... You may think it's okay, but this "bride"

doesn't appreciate callous remarks like that

from a man who refers to women by calling them "piglets."

Yeah, in my act, my stage performance,

my comedy routine.

There's a big difference between Andrew,

who's in front of you right now,

and the guy onstage when I'm performing.

Oh, okay, well, if... if there is a difference,

then why do you both dress in fingerless gloves?

Well, maybe we both share the same fucking closet.

What's the bug up your ass?

- What a coincidence. - Okay.

Yeah, what a coincidence.

I think... I think that everyone's on edge today.

Yeah. We're gonna go talk to the florist, okay?

- Okay. - See you guys later.

Everybody's stressed out.

All right. We'll see you later.

- Okay. - Yeah.

Can you believe that guy?

You still want to give him 1,000 bucks?

$1,000. We're gonna make it $2,000.

We're gonna teach them.

Okay.

I'm a good guy.

I know, honey.

Finally...

a real human being I can talk to.

Wait. Why is Milkshake here?

He's my plus-one.

You don't get a plus-one. You're my plus-one.

You really don't know how weddings work, do you?

- What do you mean? - Okay, fine.

You two get the gift.

I'm gonna go get my hair done, okay?

- Okay. - All right.

I'll see you later.

Look at this... Vegas.

Look at the life we get to lead, huh?

What's more exciting than hanging out here?

What are you drinking?

Gravy.

- Gravy? - Gravy.

Are you kidding me?

I was hungry. I was at home.

I wanted some gravy,

so I-I didn't have anything to put the gravy on.

I decided I'm gonna have a la carte gravy.

Why don't you just eat horse shit?

It's more chewy.