The Package

Improved By: FidelPerez Sub Upload Date: August 11, 2018

Nice!

I love this belt.

Only 30 minutes more TV. Okay, hon?

This lamp. Sweet. Oh.

Donnie's gonna be here any minute.

Yeah. Whoa. (GROANS)

- (SNIFFS) - (HORN HONKS)

Welcome home, Sean Floyd.

All right, Donnie's here. So, I guess I'll see you guys tomorrow.

All right, honey.

- Have fun camping, kiddo. - Bye!

- (GROANING) (ON TV) Oh, yeah. Ah, Ooh.

- (WOMAN MOANING) - Oh, my God.

Ooh.

Holy shit.

- What is this? - I don't know!

- Oh, my God. Work!

- Just walk over, hit the button on the TV. - What are they doing?

Okay, I'll see you guys later.

What are you doing? - (MOANING, PANTING)

Dude, what are you doing? Are you serious?

Sean Floyd, back on American soil for one week only!

Dude, turn that off. My little brother is crying in there.

- (CELL PHONE CLICKS) - That's crazy porn.

She's a big girl.

What are you wearing?

They're my hiking shorts.

Why do those shorts cover your belly button but not your balls?

What's that on your face? You spilled something on your face.

It looks like you drank a glass of Ed Sheeran's pubes.

One fact, the '80s nostalgia wave we're living in, it's about to crest.

And when it does, I'm gonna be swimming in puss. Doy you know why?

What, are you growing a Narcos coke 'stache?

I am growing a Narcos coke 'stache, my friend.

- You're growing a coke 'stache. - Mm-hmm. Donnie Escobar, right here.

- Wow. - That's right.

How you doing, pal?

- I'm good. How are you? - Glad to have you back.

Ah, it's good to be back and...

Oh, we're hugging.

Oh, hey, dudes.

'Sup, Virgin Megastore?

Excuse me? Oh, shit.

- Hey, Mrs. Abelar. - Hey.

Hi.

Jeremy, what are you doing over there?

- (MOUTHING) Jeremy!

I can see you are jerking off the walking stick!

Mom, I'm packing.

Your dad and I are leaving in an hour, and I want you out of here ASAP.

Okay, I'm going!

Oh, God, I so need this vacation.

Six hours, I'll be in Napa with a Zinfandel.

Bye, Mrs. Abelar.

Look who the fuck is back.

What's up, man? - (LAUGHING) What's up, man?

Yo, you dogs ready to get... ...fucked up?

- Oh, yeah. - Show him the ID.

It's a military ID.

1991, dude.

- What? You actually buy stuff with this? Fuck yeah, he does.

Jack Jessop reporting for booze.

You don't look like this guy.

This guy looks like a soldier.

- You look like Pocahontas. - (JEREMY SCOFFS)

- Dude, no one says shit to an Army ranger. - All right.

I found this outside the booth at the gun and knife show

when I was picking up this bad boy. Check it out. Check it out.

Huh?

- Whoa. - Oh, shit.

Hoo-rah!

- Pretty tight, huh? - Yeah, it's cool.

This is in case we run into any crazy shit out in the woods.

- Like, fucking crazy shit! Shit. Fuck! - Whoa, man!

- I'm... Sorry, dude. Come on, man.

I try to act like I'm riding a bike, but I still got the training wheels on.

- You feel me? Yeah.

- Let's just pack up the van. - Let's do it!

- Yeah, let's just get the fuck out of here. Let's pack it up. Hit the road.

Why are there so many bags?

- What is all this shit? - Oh!

Uh... Yeah, there's a slight change of plans, dude.

It sucks total donkey dick.

- Stop going through my shit, perv. Sarah?

No. No. No!

No, no. No way. No, no, no.

- For real? - Why does this feel so awkward?

Jeremy, did you not tell them that we were coming?

I was... I'm telling them now. Like, they're learning of it right now.

- Are you kidding? - They're coming.

Welcome back, Sean.

Hey! Hey, what's up?

- Do you not hug people anymore? Oh, yeah, sorry.

- They don't hug in Germany? Yeah.

Welcome back. I mean, I'm back. You're not back.

I'm just back for the next week. Hey, Sarah, what's up?

Were you really in Germany?

There was a whole rumor going around that you were actually in rehab for bath salts.

- Everyone's talking about it. - What? No.

Nein! Nein! I was in Germany. Yeah.

Cool hiking gear.

Hmm? Oh. What?

- How'd that get tucked in? Stop!

- You're ruining my bra! - I don't care.

This shit's expensive. Stop!

Jeremy said we're going like, six miles into the woods.

Yeah!

Yeah. I'm glad you're coming, though.

You know. It's all gonna be worth it when you see me twerking

with Mother Nature. (CHUCKLES)

Are you gonna be twerking against a tree or...

- How does that work? - I don't know.

- (LAUGHS) Excuse me!

This is supposed to be a bros trip.

So, I need a group meeting. Now! Sean!

- Sounds mad. Yeah. - So, I gotta go. Um...

Bye.

Hey, did you guys know that people think I've been in rehab?

- Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it's just... it's some bullshit rumor, dude. Forget about it.

Look, I'm feeling fucking betrayed with you right now, J-Tron.

Chad and my sister broke up yesterday,

so she bailed on the Cancun trip with his family.

- That's fine. - (CHUCKLES) Oh, what? They broke up?

- That sucks. - Yeah, she found out he cheated on her...

I don't care what happened.

I'm not going camping with my ex this weekend.

Wait, I thought you guys were never, you know "official."

Yeah, that's one of our many disputes. Thank you, Sean.

Spring break. Indigonanza...

- is about bros. Bonding. - Uh-huh.

Ceremoniously drinking

a bottle of Indigo Caribbean Spiced Rum in 48 hours.

- That's the tradition. - This is true.

Plus, we only have Sean for one week before he goes back to dipping his balls

in sauerkraut for the rest of the school year.

That's not something we do.

All right. This is shitty for me too, okay?

I mean, my girlfriend freaked out when she found out

ladies were coming and I didn't invite her.

Jeremy, how many times do I have to tell you? You're being catfished.

Her name is Kendall Jenners.

With an S.

- Not real. - That's her name, okay?

She's real, all right?

We're gonna meet this summer at theater camp and we're gonna have sex.

Hey, actually, that reminds me, Sean.

You know, this weekend might actually, finally be your chance to bang my sister.

- Whoa, whoa! - What the fuck?

She's my twin sister, okay? We have this special connection thing.

If she's having sex, it's like if I'm having sex.

- Dude, that's gro... Don't say that! Because, now... - Why not?

Why would you not want me to feel sex? Sex is great.

It's your fucking twin.

- Don't be disgust... - (SCREAMING)

Jesus Christ! - Stop pouting in there, cheddar bush.

It's gonna be like this the whole fucking time.

Scared me.

Here we go.

Bye! Bye, Mrs. Abelar.

Bye! - Fuck you, Mrs. Abelar.

Don't say "fuck you" to my mom, man.

- We say "fuck you" to Mom all the time. - Well, yeah, but she's, like, our mom.

I just don't think any Abelar woman should be disrespected...

...like that.

Yeah.

Ah, they're good kids.

- They're nightmares. - I know, hon. Let's go.

- They're my suicidal nightmares. - I know, I know.

Hey, um, I'm really sorry about Chad.

Thanks.

So, do you guys keep in touch at all? Or...

Oh, well, we broke up 17 hours ago.

So...

I'll keep you posted.

- (CHUCKLES) Hey!

Are you going to the Sadie Hawkins dance?

Oh, wow, really?

You know what, Sarah? I'm think gonna have to think about it,

but thank you for asking.

Actually, I just wanted to warn whoever you end up going with

that you shart during blow jobs.

- That happened one time! - Happened two times.

- You said you'd never... - (SARAH LAUGHING)

All right. Stay in the van. Be cool. I got this.

Hoo-rah!

You got ID?

Blammo! (COUGHS)

Hmm... Ranger, huh?

$47.65.

Military discount.

Stop. Wipe it on your dirty butt. - No! Not on my... Ah! Not on my butt!

You know what? Just keep the change.

- You have a great day. No receipt. Heh. - (BELL DINGS)