Veep

Table for two under McLintock, Mike McLintock.

Uh, yes. The table is ready.

We're clear. Bring in Sparrow.

Listen, can I just reiterate once again

how really, really sorry I am?

Wow! Oh, look at this. I guess they like us, huh?

Hi. Wonderful. What were you saying?

How really sorry I am. And I'm not someone who loves to apologize.

Uh-huh, right, but you're loving it now, aren't you?

Oh, loving it. Want another one?

- Yeah, I do. - I'm really sorry.

- I'm really, really, really sorry. - Now sing it.

The president and Mr. Baird enjoyed a delicious dinner

of blue crabs trapped by local fisherman Steve Yerkes

and a cheese course including "Basil Hayden" Blue

from Jasper Hill, Vermont.

Mike, how is she able to focus on the economy

if she's running around with her new boyfriend?

The president has always placed great value on fiscal responsibility.

In fact, as vice president, she was chairman

of the Meyer Postal Commission, which reduced post office debt

from 65 billion to just over 62 billion.

Okay, Eagle. Well, I'll see you in a few seconds.

Yeah, bye.

All right, we got six more votes this morning.

- Whoo! - We're never gonna close that gap.

Well, on the less shitty side, people are really loving you and Charlie Baird.

Even Wall Street's got a boner for you guys.

- Really? The market's up? - No, it's flat.

But not down is straight up for us at this point.

Madam President, we have received word that Chinese hackers

have now breached the National Security Council servers.

I got a great idea. Why don't we give the Chinese

their own log-ins and passwords?

Okay? Save everybody a lot of time.

Ma'am, the FDA is monitoring a salmonella outbreak at a Missouri chicken farm.

- Got a few fowl questions. - What?

Also from the comms department,

multiple mentions of tomorrow's trip

to the Museum of Natural History

in New York City with Mr. Charlie Baird.

Huh, not bad. Phone.

Oh, listen to this.

Charlie says O'Brien won't go down on his wife without biscuits and gravy.

Hey, can you show me how to find on Twitter

those tweets where people were gushing about me and Charlie?

Oh, yeah. You see this button right here?

Okay, so listen, certification is tomorrow.

I mean, seriously, do we have any reason

to think that we're not as fucked as a Senate page here?

Actually, ma'am... I'm sorry I'm late... I think I may have found something.

The voting data in Nevada is multiple standard deviations outside the means.

Christ, Kent, know your audience.

I think that there is statistical evidence

of missing ballots in Nevada.

- Where? - I do not know.

- How many? - I do not know.

- Are you sure? - Absolutely.

Graydon Carter is begging for a photo spread

of you and Charlie Baird in "Vanity Fair."

Hey, Garfield, we're right in the middle of talking about Nevada, okay?

Kent, what can you tell us?

I might be able to pinpoint the vote anomaly

if I could break down confounding variables using an intercept model.

What Alan Turing is trying to say is if there are missing votes,

- he needs time to find them. - Mm-hmm.

All right, then we have to delay

the certification of the recount.

Exactly my thought, ma'am.

I could have the lawyers file an injunction.

- Bob, what do you think? - I think it's a weak case.

Let me just take a meeting with Jim Whitman.

And after I'm done dick slapping him,

he will have agreed to delay certification.

- Amy, set it up. - The injunction or the dick slapping?

Christ, Amy, the meeting.

All right, gonna have to start chumming the media waters.

I want you to get me on the horn

with Ned Mitchell from the "Las Vegas Gazette"

and Susan Bailey with the "Reno Star."

Amy, set it up. Sue Bailey, the "Reno Star," everything.

Madam President, who would you say

would be your best person to be at that meeting as my number two?

- I could. - Richard.

Oh, well.

Okay, listen, I need to talk to Bob privately,

so everybody get out, please.

- Even... - Yeah-huh.

Bob, I am going crazy here in DC.

I just... I feel trapped

like a Saudi housekeeper.

Is there any way I could get to Nevada?

Just let me win the presidency for you

and then you can land Air Force One on the Strip

and piss in Caesar's fountain if you want.

Oh, come on, please, Bob, I would never stay at Caesar's.

Yes? What?

Ma'am, weekly CIA briefing.

See? Crapistan's calling.

That's what I'm talking about. I'll talk to you later, though.

Catherine, do not use any of the vulgar parts.

Yeah, but that's like all of it, Mom.

- Well, then don't use it. - But it's a doc.

- A what? - A documentary.

Then say that.

Never heard back from you.

Late night?

Sophie told you?

What?

No.

Gross.

You didn't tell me she worked for CBS.

Oh!

Oh, this is too good.

Dan, Sophie doesn't work for CBS.

She works for CVS.

You sold your dick for bulk iced tea

and off-brand cough syrup.

Don't worry.

You're gonna look really cute in a blue vest.

I am not having a good year.

Unfortunately, ma'am, the man we captured

is not, in fact, Abdullah Saeed.

Do the Israelis know anything about this?

Because they're a sneaky bunch of fucks.

Excuse me one second, ma'am.

So Mike McLintock, tonight for 8:30. Thank you.

Sorry, Kent, Salt and Moon, new restaurant.

Impressive. How did you secure a reservation there?

Well, Sue uses my name for POTUS reservations,

so when I call, I get an amazing table.

I'm back on food.

Doctor says the cleanse caused no lasting damage.

@POTUS is tweeting?

I'm the only one who's supposed to send her tweets.

"Ha, ha, ha, @RealCharlieBaird. Here's one for you now."

The president is tweeting.

She's tweeting?

Sorry, just... I just have to go in.

The president has to...

I can't let you in there, sir, I'm sorry.

Please, Marjorie, please. I have to talk to the president.

- Please take a step back. - Look, please.

Oh, no.

- Uh, ma'am. - Yes?

It turns out our prisoner's name

is Abdullah Faeed, a local schoolteacher.

What is he doing?

- What is that? - Beats me.

Hi, ma'am. If you hear this, do not tweet.

- Please, stop... ma'am? - Mike, what are you doing?

- You tweeted. - What?

About O'Brien. It wasn't nice.

I just direct messaged Charlie.

No, it was public. Everybody saw it on Twitter.

- No, they didn't. - What did you tweet?

What? It was just some funny joke I was just...

- Oh, shi... - I pushed that feather button.

I know, you tweet... that's a tweet.

- That's a tweet. - Well, then delete it!

- Delete it! - Just delete it!

- Delete it! - Hey, hey, hey!

- What? Okay. - Not here.

Gary, I did it the way you showed me to do it.

But that's not the way I showed you to do...

That's exactly the way that you showed me to do it.

Do you want me to show you again?

I'll tell you what I want you to do.

Nothing, okay?

That's your punishment. Get out.

Okay, I'll just go make some tea.

You better not.

The Swedish prime minister just retweeted your tweets with an LOL.

Well, what the FOL are we supposed to do about this?

I suggest that we disavow the tweets.

Phones are hacked all the time

to steal pictures of celebrities' penises and whatnot.

- Oh, my God. - Hold that thought, Kent.

Madam President, are you sure you did this?

What do you mean, am I sure?

Well, maybe the White House computers aren't as secure as we think.

Maybe the firewalls have more holes in them

than a gold digger's diaphragm.

My God, I hated those things.

Wait a minute.

- There was a breach earlier today. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God, and maybe that breach concerned those tweets.

Maybe it did.

Oh, my God, maybe you had nothing to do with it.

Oh, my God.

In that case, China would be blamed

for your messages going public, maybe.

So is that what I think happened?

That China tweeted this?

Oh, no, ma'am, no. You have no idea what happened.

And neither does Mike, who would be outraged by this.

Actually, ma'am, I have a better idea.

No, you don't, Mike. History has proven that.

Now, let me just run this by Bob

and see if he thinks blaming China is a good idea.