The Big Bang Theory

Previously on The Big Bang Theory:

My brother...

...he's got a big crush on Bernadette.

You're moving back to India?

What's going on?

It's not what it looks like.

What does it look like?

It's not what it looks like.

It's not what it looks like.

What are you grinding about?

Penny's brain teaser this morning.

She and Koothrappali emerge from your bedroom.

She is disheveled and Raj is dressed only in a sheet.

The sole clue: It's not what it looks like.

Tsk, just let it go, Sheldon.

If I could, I would, but I can't, so I shan't.

Now...

...knowing Penny, the obvious answer is they engaged in coitus.

But since that's what it looks like, we can rule that out.

Let's put on our thinking caps, shall we?

Raj is from India, a tropical country, third-world hygiene...

...parasitic infections are common, such as pinworms.

- Mm-hm. - The procedure for diagnosing pinworms...

...is to wait until the subject is asleep...

...and the worms crawl out of the rectum for air.

Yes, just like that.

Penny could have been inspecting Raj's anal region for parasites.

Oh, boy, that's a true-blue friend.

They slept together, Sherlock.

No, you weren't listening.

She said, "it's not what it looks like."

She lied.

Oh.

Now don't I look silly sitting here wearing this?

_H6Y- _H6Y...

H93'...

H93'...

Leonard, is it awkward for you...

...knowing one of your dear friends had sexual intercourse...

...with a woman you used to love in the very place you lay your head?

No, I'm fine with it.

That sounds like sarcasm.

But I'm gonna disregard it because I have an agenda. Paintball.

Specifically, the interdepartmental tournament this weekend.

Now, in order to function better as a fighting unit...

...I thought we should establish a chain of command.

Now, it goes without saying that I would outrank the three of you.

But the question remains, by how much?

Now, I don't see me as some four-star general back at HQ...

...riding a desk and playing golf with the Secretary of Defense.

But I also can't be Sergeant Cooper because that might lead you...

...to think of me as a regular Joe. This might take some thought. As you were.

- What the hell is wrong with you? - How could you do that?

- What is it to you? - I got his back.

Yeah, right. You're jealous because...

...I'm Penny's number-two choice after Leonard.

Hey, if I wasn't engaged to Bernadette, that totally could have been me.

Please. Sheldon would've been before you...

...and he might not even have genitals.

Why do you care so much? You're dating my sister...

...and Penny and I are in love.

- What, heh? - What?

Gentlemen, if I may interject.

I've decided my rank will be captain.

If it's good enough for Kirk, Crunch and Kangaroo...

...it's good enough for me.

- You're not in love with Penny. - Yes, I am.

The god Kamadeva has shot us with his flowery arrows of love.

- Who? - He's the Hindu version of Cupid...

...but way better because he rides a giant parrot.

Raj, come on, you fall in love with any girl who smiles at you.

A month ago, you were writing poems about his fiancee.

I'm sorry, what?

Rubbish. He's talking rubbish.

Oh, Bernadette, please play my clarinet

That could have been about anyone.

You have nothing to worry about, because now I'm the dusky half...

...of Koothrapenny.

For the record, I do have genitals.

They're functional and aesthetically pleasing.

Oh. Coming.

Yup, that's good.

Wine glasses should have handles.

Keeping accurate track of your alcohol intake.

Smart idea, considering how trampy you get when you've had a few.

You heard what I did?

- Well, I heard who you did. - Ugh.

Oh, my God, I screwed up everything.

I hurt Leonard, I hurt Raj. I mean, what is wrong with me?

I feel like two totally different people.

Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Whore.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

- Know the story of Catherine the Great? - No.

She ruled Russia in the late 1700s, and one night when she was feeling randy...

...she used an intricate system of pulleys to have intimate relations with a horse.

I'm sorry, what does this have to do with me?

She engaged in inter-species hanky-panky...

...and people still call her great.

I'm sure your reputation can survive you shagging a little Indian boy.

You jerk-face!

What did you tell Howard?

You say there's something going on between us? He thinks there is.

He's completely freaking out!

Please, come in.

What the hell is wrong with you?

You were always so nice to me, I thought maybe you liked me.

I'm nice to everyone!

- I'm sorry. - Damn right, you're sorry.

And you tell Howard there's never been anything between us.

I will. Hey, Bernadette.

- What? - Do you think I have a shot with Penny?

Of course, you do. You're a cutie pie. Any girl would be lucky to have you.

You know, I've done this before.

In kindergarten, I was supposed to marry Jason Sorensen...

...but by the time my class got out there, he was engaged to Chelsea Himmelfarb.

What did I do? Hung upside down from the monkey bars...

...let all the boys see my underpants.

You can't blame yourself.

When your pre-frontal cortex fails to make you happy...

...promiscuity rewards you with dopamine.

We neurobiologists refer to this as the skank reflex.

- You know what? Let's get out of here. - Where are we going?

Somewhere where no one's seen me naked.

We may have to drive a while.

Subtlety isn't her strong suit, is it?

Oh, can I stay at your place for a few nights?

Really? A best-friend sleepover? Yay.

Yeah, sure. Yay, heh.

We'll make popcorn, stay up all night, and I'll teach you my secret language.

- Sounds great. - Nope. Sounds:

- Yeah, I'm gonna go pack a bag. - No, you're not. You're gonna:

Do we really have to wear this camouflage crap to play paintball?

Who said that? Leonard, I can hear your voice, but I can't see you.

I'm not in the mood, Sheldon.

Oh, there you are.

Leonard, I know you're upset about recent events...

...and I have someone here to help.

I don't wanna talk to Amy.

Yeah... No, it's not Amy.

Hello, dear.

You called my mother?

Oh, Leonard, is it really necessary to caption the obvious?

He's been like that since he was a toddler.

"Look, Mommy, a butterfly."

Maddening.

What's going on? What do you want'?

Sheldon informed me that you're experiencing an emotional upheaval

...and I'm here to help.

That's so nice.

And we're back to the obvious.

Now, what's up?

Well, uh...

Okay, um...

I don't wanna get back with Penny.

We tried it, it was crazy, it didn't work.

But I can't deal with the fact that she slept with my friend, Raj.

And then I find out that Raj's sister, Priya...

...who I've been going outwith, is moving back to India.

So I'm just completely confused and alone.

I understand.

- Got any advice? - Yes. Buck up.

Excuse me, you're a world-renowned expert...

...in parenting and child development, and all you've got is "buck up"?

Sorry.

Buck up, sissy pants.

- Thanks, Mother, I feel better. - If you need any more help...

...my books are available on Amazon.

Logging off.

Ninety-nine...

...100.

It's like a waterfall of liquid gold.

My turn.

Don't know what the point of staying in L.A. is.