Redneck Zombies

- Ooh! - Son of a bitch.

Get him down the hall, quick.

So that's her, huh?

Yes.

Quite a disturbing case. - And what's the prognosis?

Our patient seems to be suffering

from an acute effective paranoid psychosis,

with complications of schizophrenic melanomic edema.

At least, that's the preliminary indication.

- Well, there must be some way to break through it.

What the hell happened up there?

No one knows, but whatever it was,

it must have been the epitome of horror.

- Well, do we have time for nine holes before surgery?

Oh, yes.

Let's play at your club.

Mine doesn't allow Jews.

- Well, what's your hitting average

these days, Sven?

I'll go back to 16.

It's messing with my head,

driving this shit from one dump to another.

Just don't make no sense.

Can't keep it in Cumberland

because it's too close to the river, so it's got

to go to Ecomico, where it'll be too close to the ocean.

Can you believe that, Hoss?

So now, here I am, in the middle of redneck nowhere,

with a few stripes and a short straw,

playing nursemaid to a goddamn tin can

full of chemical toxic warfare waste.

Oh, shit.

And the Lord, I said the Lord

has made men equal in his eyes.

We are all brothers and that is why we must be rid, I say,

must be rid of those who would disgrace brotherhood.

We must smite the niggers and chase the crackhead bastards

from off -- - Fuck you.

- Now, let's see, I'm sure this splotch right here

is that tree right over there.

I think that splotch is a tobacco stain.

That old man dribbled like a Harlem Globetrotter.

- Hell, he was missing so many teeth, it looked like Mr. T

did a workout on his face.

- Well, I pity the fool who don't cut the bullshit

and find a trail before we die out here.

Unless you can't find it, Wilbur.

- I'll find it. Don't you worry none, little lady.

I'm sure that this splotch is that tree, dickhead.

Which means this scraw is probably that fence.

Which means the trail is right over here.

Hot damn!

Hallelujah.

- Hey, don't be singing no spirituals now, Theresa.

I'll tell you what, I'll just sing

about redneck white boys who a pain in they own ass.

- Are we going to stand here and slap gums,

or are we going to get into some serious wilderness?

Well, how about we stay?

Eat me, Bob.

No, baby, I don't do that shit.

I know.

Come on, let's get a move on

SO we can have camp set before dark.

All this and brains, too.

Ugh.

How are you feeling, Andrew?

Finer than frog's hair, Wilbur.

Well, come on, Mr. Clean.

I don't know why you're always

knocking my personal hygiene.

The odor emanating from your upper pubic hairs

could knock The Terminator off a shit wagon.

Maybe you should try some.

I mean, what's it going to do,

make you dissolve or something?

Think I should?

Yeah, sure.

Keep it.

Don't worry, I've got plenty.

- Listen, you were just kidding about my pubes, weren't you?

Yeah, sure.

Don't worry, anyway, that'll take care of it.

Oh, man, I been talking your ears off

and I haven't even offered you a huff.

How about it?

You want to hit a joint?

Just what I thought you'd said.

Here you go.

Shit on a toadstool.

Watch it.

Shit, shit, shit.

Phew, no leaks.

Get off my land!

Get off my sail.

Uh, whoa.

Be cool, yo.

I just lost some shit here.

And I don't need no revenuers

poking around in my business.

Now, get!

Look here, slim, I just need my barrel.

- Now, what we have here is a failure to communicate.

Bitch!

Do not open 'til Christmas.

Jed, Junior, Jethro, Billy Bob.

Elly May to you, coon shit.

Right.

What did you do to our still?

Still?

Uh, I didn't shoot your still.

Anyways, it was an accident.

You see, I was walking up the road and I dropped my gun,

and it went off three or four times.

- You know we promised all the swill they could drink down

in the valley before you got into town,

and you shot up our still.

So now, I think we're going to have

to use your still to deliver.

My still?

You want to use my still?

My still ain't no good.

You said so a thousand times yourself.

"Ferd Mertz, your still ain't no good."

- Tell you what, look what I got for you here.

Brand new still.

One of them European jobs.

Slick.

Look at that.

Sturdy, kick them rims.

Yeah, this still'll work good for you.

And look at that paint job.

Young, fast.

Does have a nice paint job.

- And all this can be yours, seeing you need it so bad,

‘cause I'm your friend, Ferd.

Let's buy it, daddy.

- Well, okay, but if you ever mess around our still again,

Ferd Mertz, you're going to be picking buckshot

from where the sun don't shine.

You mean Antarctica?

Get!

Well, the sun don't shine in Antarctica.

All they got down there are them funny little penguins

and those big polar bears.

Grr!

Ahh!

Scared myself.

- Gee, daddy, why didn't we shoot that varmint?

- Yeah, we should've filled him full of holes.

Yeah, we should've plugerized him.

Oh, now, come on, boys.

I taught you all better than that.

Just because ol' Ferd's got polecat shit for brains

don't mean he'd be all bad.

Oh, sure, he do get my dander up once in a while.

And maybe I do feel like blowing a hole in his ass.

But he did give us this nice barrel here,

and well, sometimes, you just gotta do what's right.

Doesn't mean you have to like it.

Huh?

Shut up!

You're right, daddy.

Dang.

That thing's heavier than a cement yule.

Go get our new truck, Billy Bob.

- How many times do I have to tell you, daddy?

Call me Elly May.

All right, dag nabit!

Go get the new truck, Elly May, before I tan your hide.

Gee, daddy, why does Billy Bob

want us to call him Elly May?

Well, Junior...

I'm Jethro, Pa.

I'm Junior.

Well, Jethro, your brother's kinda funny

and...oh, nevermind.

I never should've bought that dang satellite TV anyhow.

I like that satellite TV.

Me too.

I like it.

I like Heckle and Jeckle.

You bitch!

You boys hurry up with that thing.

We got work ahead of us if we're going to get that mash

delivered in town by tonight.

Oh, you've been a good old girl to us, Florey.

But I guess I gotta put you down.

I hate to do it, you know?

But it -- it's like my daddy used to say to me

before he got run over by that tractor.

Sometimes, life sucks.

Will you boys hurry up?

Now get a move on.

We ain't got all night. - Jethro, come on.

Ow!

Oh, my foot. - Quit your whining, Junior.

I'm Jethro, Pa.

Oh, quit your whining anyhow.

Now. get the dang thing opened up.