Columbo

Rosebud.

Rosebud.

Rosebud.

You're gonna die. Every last one of you.

I'm sorry to give you the bad news, but that's a fact.

Death, sooner or later. Show me those dials.

And the woman sitting next to the man in the check suit.

Spread out. Give yourself some living space.

If we wanted you next to each other...

we'd fill this hall and I'd make another $100,000.

But you wouldn't get the point. And the point is take control.

Take control of your own space...

your own lives...

your own responses.

We don't want you crammed in...

contaminating each other with your nasty little fears...

and insecurities.

And if you don't think that you're that kind of a girl...

or that kind of a boy...

then what are you doing here...

shoveling out your hard-earned money to the good doctor?

Now, did anybody forget to twist his dial?

- No. - No.

Oh, Come on, I can't hear that. No, Dr. Mason!

No, Dr. Mason!

Good. Charlie...

how did they do on the word death?

They didn't like death.

Negative 8 dB on that one.

Thank you, Charlie.

You're not really sure what death means...

but you don't like it. You don't like the word.

You're bothered by the word mother...

and you're afraid of the word father. Words!

Food, money, boss, wife, sex.

Mommy and daddy started setting you up right from the cradle, conditioning you.

They took control with the control words.

Then the words took control. Now, who's got the control?

I've got the control.

The words locked you into your locked-up little lives.

Now we're gonna teach you how to smash the lock.

Laurel, Hardy.

They're not very bright, but they answer to their names.

What name do you answer to?

All right.

I'm going out and eating lunch. A nice, big lunch.

But you're not gonna eat...

until the facilitators tell you that you can eat.

Oh, you'll earn that privilege.

Burt, Ian and Betty will help you with that.

They're going to hear you count. Count backwards from a hundred...

count yourselves right back into the cradle.

Now, start counting.

100...

99, 98, 97, 96,

95, 94, 93, 92...

What's on the docket, Charlie?

You wanted to check the foreign language tapes.

Oh, they'll wait.

And the seminar for the new facilitator group.

Oh, God preserve us.

Come on in.

Laurel, Hardy.

Come on. Come on.

Charlie, Charlie...

I grow weary.

You should try the Institute for Life Control.

Will that save me?

From what?

The Institute for Life Control.

Let's run away and be Indians, Charlie.

Do you miss her?

Lorraine?

Lorraine's dead.

You never talk about it.

The car went over the cliff. She stopped living.

I can't do that. Not even for her.

It wasn't that good a marriage, if you wanna know.

Eric.

She was seeing somebody else.

Somebody. I don't know who.

Lover.

Well, you still want me to talk about it?

No.

Come on, let's get out of here and play some tennis.

Well, I thought you'd never ask. Your place?

I have an annual physical with Ernie Garrison.

Take me a couple of hours.

If I'm late, just let yourself in and make yourself at home.

I'll meet you at the house at 3:00.

Yes, sir... Boss. Tennis at 3:00.

Oh, Charlie, will you do me a favor and take those clowny Dobermans for me?

My pleasure.

Don't let them push you around.

Come on, gang. Let's go.

Goodbye, Charlie.

I'll see you at 3:00.

Terrific. You ought to do this for money.

Is this the best you can do?

Well, let's find out.

All right, everybody out. Scram. Go on. Beat it.

Pow!

We'll do a resting trace for five minutes.

Then I'll be back.

Thanks, Ernie.

Take it easy, it's not for you.

Dr. Mason's residence.

Charlie, it's Eric.

This damn physical's taking longer than I expected.

I'll get there when I can.

Whenever.

Oh, Charlie...

help me settle an argument with this big-shot doctor.

Ernie won't take an expert's word for it, so you tell him.

Now, in the movie Citizen Kane...

what was written on Kane's sled?

I mean, exactly what was written there?

Well, the sled's hanging in your den it says "Rosebud."

You hear that, Ernie?

Here, Charlie, I'm holding up the phone.

You tell him nice and loud.

Rosebud.

Eric.

Any pain now?

No, I never felt better in my life.

No more ball. When I say that's it, that's it.

All right, one more time and that's it.

All right, officer, they're all yours.

Lieutenant.

They're my dogs.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir. You must be Dr. Mason.

Here I am...

playing away with these dogs as if nothing happened.

I know what a terrible shock this must have been, sir...

I mean coming home and...

From the doctor and all...

and finding out what happened to Mr. Hunter.

I'm Lieutenant Columbo, sir. Homicide.

I'm afraid, sir...

that we have to make out a police report...

in every death, sir...

where the victim wasn't under a doctor's care.

Are you a physician yourself?

No, no. My doctorate's in psychology.

You're very tall, sir.

For a psychologist?

Or for someone whose dogs just killed his best friend?

It was just a general observation, sir.

You're an acute observer, Lieutenant.

What'll happen to my dogs?

Well, for now...

they're being held by the Animal Regulation people.

And then put away?

Well that's up to the court, sir...

but I'm afraid under the circumstances...

I'm not arguing the point, Lieutenant.

Obviously, they have to be destroyed.

Oh, Dr. Mason.

Dr. Mason.

Excuse me, sir.

Are you Dr. Eric Mason, the mind control doctor?

Not mind control, life control.

There's a difference, Lieutenant. I'm not a Svengali.

Oh, I didn't mean to imply, sir.

Just last night my wife was talking about your institute.

Oh, you're a very famous psychologist, sir.

Mrs. Columbo, she's highly enthusiastic...

about taking one of your 48-hour sessions...

to study control, sir.

I understand her enthusiasm, Lieutenant.

But it seems that I can't even control my own dogs.

Well, you know, that's been bothering me, too, sir.

They don't seem to need much controlling.

I mean they're very affectionate animals.

I hit it off with them right away.

They hit it off with everybody, Lieutenant.

Until today, sir.

Yes. Until today.

Uh, were they trained, sir?

I mean, some kind of guard dog training?

The only training they've had is to be affectionate.

The victim, Mr. Charles Hunter...

Dr. Hunter.

Dr. Hunter, sir.

Did the dogs get along with Dr. Hunter, too?

With everyone.

Including Miss Joanne Nicholls, sir?

Look, I don't know how many ways I can say it, Lieutenant.

Right, sir.

According to Sergeant Burke, Miss Nicholls called in her report...

just after 3:00 while you were still at the doctor's.

Um...

I understand she lives with you, sir.

Not with me. On the premises. In the guesthouse.

Right.

I've never believed the myth...

about Dobermans turning into spontaneous killers.

I still can't get it through my mind.

Something happened.

Charlie must've done something to provoke an attack.