How I Met Your Mother

Kids, there are two big days in any love story...

the day you meet the girl of your dreams...

and the day you marry her.

Stashed a cooler behind the pulpit.

Beer be with you. And also with you.

Mmm.

This is what church has been missing. Dude, you fixed church.

Yeah. You're welcome, God.

Nervous? What? No.

I'm just hopin' it doesn't rain.

Why, do I look nervous?

Look at your beer, dude.

You always do that when you're nervous.

It's a sad day in New York, Ted.

A sad day indeed.

Do you know what I saw on my way in here?

A girl... in a sweater.

And you know what that means.

The season of exposed skin is over.

Exactly!

Gone are the tank tops, Ted.

Gone are the cute little skirts.

Gone are the sundresses? The sundresses, Ted!

I don't think I can make it another eight months with no sundresses.

Barney, I really... I have to grade these papers.

I'm sorry. I'll let you work.

But first a riddle.

What piece of women's attire most stokes a man's desire?

A sundress. Correct.

What lightweight outfit, pink or white,

makes the front of my slacks abnormally tight?

I really have to get this done. Of course. Of course.

Thank you.

Sundress, by the way. Mm-hmm.

Hey, hey.

What are you nervous about? Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.

What flowing cotton frock... Okay! I'll tell you.

Just... There's a...

There's a girl sitting at the bar.

Oh! Don't look.

Wah. I wanna see a pretty girl.

Okay, you can look. But just... just...

Just be cool, for once. Oh. I'll be cool.

Aw, Ted. You got your beer label in a bunch over nothin'.

Listen to your Uncle Barney.

You have no reason to be nervous.

None whatsoever.

And I'm gonna tell you why in one word.

And what's that word? Dibs.

You can't call dibs on a girl I've been sitting here thinking about,

maybe talking to eventually at some point.

You never called dibs. Dibs were implied.

Implied dibs? Yeah.

Ted, you are spitting on the grave...

of Sir Walter Dibs, inventor of the dib.

It was 1652.

The S.S. Dibs was lost at sea...

Look, I don't have time for a fake history lesson, so I'll keep this simple.

You go over there and talk to that girl, I will see you in court.

And who's gonna represent you? Dibs on Marshall as my lawyer!

Damn it! Ha, ha! Where is Marshall anyway?

Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily had recently decided...

to take a swing at starting a family.

Tonight was their first at bat.

I'm almost ready to leave. Let's just go through the checklist.

- Candles? - Check.

Music to set the mood?

Music for when we're actually doing it.

You know what? To hell with your dibs.

I'm goin' over there right now and talking to her.

Oh, yeah? Yeah? Be my guest.

Fall in love with her. Get married.

Just know this. When I step up...

to make my toast as your best man...

- Actually, Marshall will probably be my best man. - As your best man!

Ladies and gentlemen,

I... had dibs.

- No! -

Tell me this isn't true. I... I had implied dibs.

Oh!

The way you've humiliated me!

I had no idea. You have to know that.

Shh. Shh. You're the victim here.

We both are.

Let's get outta here.

Or we could just do it right here.

We could just do it right here. Let's do it, baby.

Fine. Have at it. Exercise your dibs.

She's got her shields up anyway. She's readin' a book.

Yeah, at a bar.

That book might as well be called...

Are You There, Barney? It's Me, Horny.

That is not what "shields up" looks like.

That is what "shields up" looks like.

Move! God!

Hey, what's up, dudes?

Fries?

Oh, good God, woman. You're a disgrace.

No fries for this guy.

Robin, seriously, I love you,

but it's like you have squiggly cartoon odor lines...

coming off of you right now.

What?

Know what, Barney? Just cut her some slack.

She just went through a breakup. Thank you, Ted.

With hygiene?

No, with Don.

You see, a few months earlier...

Here. Have some tea. Thanks.

Robin, I am here for you. Whatever you need.

Okay. Um, about that, Ted.

Listen.

I know myself pretty well,

and, um, sometime over the next few months,

I'm gonna want to sleep with you.

And when that happens, you have to try to say no.

Try? I will absolutely say no.

Our friendship is too important. Oh.

Okay. Maybe I wasn't clear enough.

Um, I will come at you with everything I've got.

I will stalk you like the lioness stalks the gazelle...

careful, patient, deadly.

And if you let your guard down for so much as a second,

as sure as you were born, I will hump your brains out.

Okay, I'm ready to have sex now.

It was a tough summer, but I think our girl's been a real trouper.

She's...

Is this a Cheeto? No, we ran out of Cheetos last week.

Oh, yeah. It's a Cheeto. Dibs.

Oh, you're exquisite.

You must let me paint you.

Hey, Robin. What do you think?

The girl sitting at the bar... shields up?

Mmm. Totes, toots. She's here on a date.

She brought the book because she got here early,

and she also wants to impress the guy she's meeting.

Girls like to come across all classy and smart, you know?

This, what you're doin' right now...

I'm getting a de-rection.

Hey! How'd it go?

You pregnant yet? Nope.

Okay. So here's what happened.

I was at home waiting for Marshall.

Hey, how was your day? Don't answer. No time. Look...

Um, bedroom. No, no. No time.

Look... Floor. No. No time. Against this wall!

Marshall, whoa! Wait! A big package just arrived.

Yeah, it did. No, no.

It's a real package from your dad.

Well, that's a little weird, but, yeah, it is. Marshall, look!

A bassinet? Oh, my... He must've made it in his woods hop.

Wasn't that sweet of him?

Lil? Isn't that sweet?

Lily?

You told your dad we're trying to have a baby?

Of course I did. I tell my dad everything. My dad is my best friend.

Oh!

Lily, we have been looking forward...

to this magical, special night for two weeks now.

And, sweetie, during that time, I have been, um...

How do I put this delicately?

Savin' all my love for you.

I have read 11 books on conception.

I have cut out alcohol, caffeine and sugar.

I take my temperature every hour.

But good for you for not playing with yourself.

- I feel ya, buddy. - Ah! No, don't even touch me, dude.

It's been like... It's been two weeks.

I'm, like, a light breeze away from havin' a big problem.

I'm seriously...

Okay. I'm better now.

Okay, Barney. What's this gonna cost me?

- Excuse me? - Your dibs. I wanna buy your dibs.

$250,000.

Twenty bucks.

But... Can I go smell her first?

- No. - Fine.

All right. Wish me luck.

Now, kids, remember how I told you about a girl named Cindy...

how I went on one date with her and it ended badly? Get out.

- Well... - How are you?

Good.

What the hell are you doing?

That girl she's talking to... I dated her.

Ooh. That sucks.

And dibs.

So you went on one date with one of her friends.

It's not necessarily a big deal.

I mean, did it end on bad terms?

Um...

Oh, hi, Cindy.

Oh, hi, Cindy!

Yikes.

Well, I guess you just gotta move on.

It's not like you have a shot with Reading McGee over there, right?

Ted?

Then I remembered.

Cindy had a roommate...

a roommate I only caught a glimpse of.

But a roommate who, by every indication, was something very special.