My Three Sons

Hey, Steve, Rob and Katie are about to leave and you're going to stand there and

stare at an empty room or come downstairs and say goodbye to them.

I'll be down in a minute, Charley.

All right.

We'll only be down the block, Dad.

Oh, hi, Kate.

Well, I guess they've got everything.

It looks so bare.

Remember when Mr. Storfman built this room?

The fights he and Uncle Charley had?

Anything you want, missus, you just tell me.

Are we doing the right thing, Dad?

No, of course not.

Rob's out of school now and the kids need a mother and father.

Now the house full of uncles and grandfathers and Uncle Charlies.

Oh, you graduate from college and you think everything is great.

Then you walk into a room and you find your wife in the arms of another man.

Oh, boy.

The room looks awful.

Well, that's why I'm in the arms of another man.

Where are the babies now?

They're in the back seat of the car with Uncle Charley.

Well, we'd better get down there before he spoils little Charley and gives the other two a complex.

It's going to be weird around here without Rob.

Robbie and Katie and the babies.

Well, Robbie and Katie ought to be having dinner about now.

No, I'd say they're feeding the babies about now.

Does somebody want to talk about something besides Robbie and Katie and the babies?

Well, I can't get them off my mind.

Besides, I forgot how to cook for just four people.

Well, I, uh, imagine Kate and Rob are sitting down to dinner about now.

I just said that.

Oh.

Do you like it?

Great.

I mean, the food.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

It seems like we should be having champagne or something for our first meal in our new apartment.

Honey, the root beer's fine, and so is the canned tuna.

To us.

To us.

And to Dad.

To Dad?

Yeah.

He's not happy.

Sure he is.

What do you mean?

He's just surface happy.

Oh, yes, his house and his sons and Uncle Charley and a good job.

You're not doing your case any good with that kind of argument.

Don't you see?

When we were there, he had the...

the babies to fuss over and he even had me to... to be masculine at when I screamed about spiders.

What's he got now?

No.

No what?

No, you're not going to match him up with some female.

Well, she's not just some female, Rob.

If you only knew how pretty and guilty you look.

Okay.

Katie, who is she?

And forget the whole thing.

All I'm asking is that we invite Dad for dinner to meet her.

Well, he can make up his own mind.

Honey, he won't be making up his own mind.

You'll be making up his mind.

Who is she?

Well, she's a friend of my mother's.

And she's a widow.

And she's pretty.

And she's very bright.

And her name is Millicent Sawyer.

And...

You've already asked her.

A week from Sunday.

To Katie Douglas, the meddler.

I'll drink to that.

I keep telling you, Steve, tie your socks together before you throw them down the laundry chute.

I thought I was doing that, Charlie.

Yeah, well, somewhere between here and the washer, they get separated.

Well, I'll tie them tighter.

Yeah, you keep saying that, but you... Don't do it.

I got a whole basket full of socks that don't match.

Is, uh, is something bothering you?

Heck no, but you're going over there for dinner and... Ah, forget it.

Charlie, Katie just wants me to meet this woman, that's all.

She's trying to get you married.

Oh?

I asked her and she said yes.

You're supposed to be lonely and you need a wife.

Her very words, Steve.

Well, Charlie, would it be so terrible if I didn't marry you?

Would it be so terrible if I liked this woman?

I mean, suppose I did get married again someday.

Well, what happens to us around here?

Well, nothing would change.

I mean, she'd have to take me and you and the boys and Tramp just the way we are.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Here, you better stick this in your pocket.

And it wouldn't hurt to squirt another shot of this aftershave on your jowls either.

Hey, now, wait a minute.

Are you trying to marry me off?

Sure, why not?

Dad, could I see you?

Well, Ernie, it's a little late.

Is it important?

Yeah.

I'm in sort of a jam with this Mrs. Harper.

What's a Mrs. Harper?

She sort of wants to talk to you, Dad.

Tomorrow after school.

Well, Ernie, I'm sorry you didn't tell me about this sooner.

I've got to go now, but, uh...

We'll discuss it at breakfast in the morning, hmm?

Where are you going?

Over to Robbie and Katie's to get married.

Hi, Dad.

Katie, I didn't see you behind the door there.

Say, you really fixed the place up, Katie.

Thank you.

Yeah, I helped, too, you know.

Oh, I know that.

Dad, I'd like you to meet Millicent.

Oh.

Millicent, this is my father-in-law, Steve Douglas.

Millicent saw you, Dad.

Well, how do you do?

How do you do?

Mr. Douglas.

Sit down.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, Mr. Douglas, would you mind sitting on my right?

Light on the right, be rift on the left.

Oh.

Well, no, not at all.

Dad, I'll get you something to drink.

Yeah, well, thanks, Ron.

Millicent was the only one who predicted triplets, Dad.

Is that so?

I'll be right back.

You predicted triplets?

Mm-hmm.

You see, Kathleen has eight letters in it.

Rob has three.

Katie's maiden name, Miller, has six letters in it.

Her married name has seven.

Three from seven is five.

Six from seven is one.

Five and one are six, divided by two parents, which makes three.

I always thought three from seven is four.

Oh, well, isn't that what I said?

Well, possibly.

And Rob's full name is Robert.

That's six letters.

What sign were you born under, Mr. Douglas?

I'm not sure.

The birthday's the end of August.

I guess that's Virgo, isn't it?

That accounts for it.

There's a streak of doubt in many Virgos.

Here you go, Dad.

Oh, thanks, Rob.

Is it too early to ask you to sit down?

I'm afraid I mistimed the roast.

Oh, that's all right, Kate.

We'll just bring these along.

Uh, Dad, you sit at the head of the table.

Millicent, over here, and Rob.

Oh, Katie.

You forgot.

Light on the right.

You reffed on the left.

Well, you better sit here.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, about Mrs. Harper.

We were supposed to talk about her at breakfast.

Yes, I know.

But I'm going to have to skip breakfast this morning.

I rolled over and turned off the alarm, I guess.

What about Mrs. Harper?

Uh, you're supposed to be there about four.

Be where?

Mrs. Harper's room.

112.

That's on the main floor near the water fountain.

All right.

But, uh, what's the problem?

Well, uh, Mrs. Harper teaches in one of those rooms where the desks aren't fastened to the floor.

So the other day, I got the kids to change them all around.

So we were facing backwards when she walked in.

Well, uh, it seemed kind of funny at the time.

Because it seemed so funny, I have to go over there and straighten it out.

Well, um, I think she wants to talk to you about something else, Dad.

I, uh, came up with sort of an F on my last test.

Hey, Steve, I forgot to ask you.

How was that dame that Katie fixed you up with last night?

Oh, uh, she seemed pleasant enough.

Charley, you're going to have to figure out some type of restriction for Ernie.

He came up with sort of an F on a test.

I won't have breakfast this morning, Charley.